The Year of Optimum Well-being

I didn't really want to displace that sweet picture of me and Adam from the top of my page cause I like lookin' at it, but it's time to update!

Yesterday I turned 28 - gawd it sounds so OLD. I totally thought - when I was younger - that I would have my life all figured out by this age. Married, kids, dog, minivan, etc. WRONG. How wrong I was! If you had told me in high school that on my 28th birthday, I would be living in Washington D.C. working a "front-page"** job for the State Department, missing my sweet boyfriend who I'll be separated from for the next two years and preparing for my first whole body scan after having CANCER, well... Well, I would have laughed in your face!! Haha. That's not MY life! In high school I still thought I was going to be some kind of a writer or, you know, someone who somehow gets paid to be deep and interesting. I thought I would NEVER work a desk job, never conform, never give in to The MAN! Especially not WORKING for The Man... no way! Are you kidding?! I read 1984!! Haha, my poor parents. Sigh. Sorry ma. I know I was incorrigible. But just look how I turned out! See, it all worked out in the end. It alllllways does.

No matter how bleak things seem, no matter how many doors slam in your face, no matter how much you worry and struggle, everything always works itself out in the end. I've been though my fair share of trials and tribulations and usually no amount of struggle on my part improves or changes the situation. Often when we can't see our way out or through, when we want and wish and strive, the thing we really have to do is wait. As the fates weave their tapestry all around us, finally other people and events will play themselves out, and a new door will open and we can move forward again.

I had a great birthday. I got a ton of gifts to unwrap from my sweet mom - some clothes and girly things. She always makes me feel like a princess on my birthday. I went to Ching Ching Cha, a Chinese tea house in Georgetown with my 3 best girlfriends here in DC. We ordered flowering teas and chatted and it was perfect weather for it, being damp and gray and chilly and rainy.

One of the girls is my cousin, Cara. She got married last year and she and her husband moved to DC right afterwards. We are the same age and our dads are identical twins, so our families have always been close and we grew up together. As much as she is like a sister to me, I admit I am a little resentful and jealous of her. We've walked the same path in life, even to our careers in international realtions (she's getting a PhD in political science). We've done basically the same things... but it's always seemed like she does them just a little bit better, has an easier time, always gets what she wants. My path has led through the thorny brier thickets, quicksand and mud holes and she's traveled on the paved superhighway.

Anyway, yesterday she was talking about starting a family in the next couple of years and I felt an intense pang of jealousy and bitterness. It's completely irrational and ridiculous... having kids is not a competition! But part of me wants to be FIRST, at that at least! I don't want to follow in her footsteps! And god forbid we get pregnant around the same time and go through it together. Cause I know how that will go. She won't have any morning sickness, she will stay thin everywhere except her stomach, the baby will pop right out and she'll put on her pre-pregnancy jeans the next day. Her baby will sleep through the night from day one and get a scholarship to Harvard before its first birthday. Who can compete with that?!

Why am I thinking about babies all the time?! Who knows. There really is something to the biological clock thing - my ovaries have a mind of their own. But it also symbolizes what I want most right now - to move on to that phase of my life, to be married, to even be in a position to think about having my own family. And I can't have that right now in the world that I've created for myself. Even if Adam and I get married before he finishes his assignment in Hawaii (in November 2009) it will still be almost two years from now before we can even think about building a life together.

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. It's an inner struggle. Because I could easily leave my job and go to Hawaii and start that life I want so much. Seriously, how great would that be?! Hawaii, y'all. I don't even particularly like DC that much. The only thing holding me here is my career. If I only had 5 years to live... or, if I had terminal cancer, for example, I sure as heck wouldn't be sitting here in DC waiting. But if I'm not being fatalistic, then it's foolish to leave a good job, especially when it's entirely possible that Adam and I would come back here after he's done in Hawaii anyway.

See, this is the kind of situation that makes you want to struggle. To try and strive and work to change things, to figure SOMETHING out... but as I said before, I know from experience that what I probably have to do is wait. I have to open my eyes and my heart and my life to possibilities. To the possibilities and lessons of being apart from Adam, of it not being time yet.

My goal for this year is to be healthier and happier on March 8, 2009 than I am today. My 28th year is going to be the Year of Optimum Health and Happiness. The Year of Optimum Well-being. I am so grateful for everything in my life - for my family, for Adam, my job... I am the luckiest girl in the world. It's hard to imagine there could be more than this, but somehow I know this year will bring more abundance. Even if I don't have what I want now and don't get what I want now in the end, somehow I feel like things are going to keep getting better and better. Amazingly, impossibly better.

**...as in front page of the newspaper...I work. On those things.

Continuing on with the body acceptance theme....

I'm having a hugely lazy weekend. Sure, I've been (somewhat) productive, but mostly I'm working on wearing the butt-impression into my couch. It's 1:30 here on the East coast and I'm still in my pj's... still in the same spot on the couch as I was at 8:30 this morning. After so many fascinating adventures in Hawaii and such wonderful companionship, these last two lazy weekends have been, well, depressing.

I've been consoling myself by reading every blog I can find that captures my interest. I just spent almost an hour scrolling through pictures on this site where real women post pictures of their bodies after giving birth. I'm both terrified and amazed. What is my body going to look like after having kids?? Tons of stretch marks and stretched out skin?? For some reason I have always thought my body would pretty much bounce back to somewhat normal after giving birth. My mom doesn't look like that. She looks like a 25 year old (not even kidding) - have I gotten an unrealistic expectation from her?! I have stretch marks on my boobs and hips already... does that mean my belly is going to be covered with stretch marks too? Why am I even thinking about this aAAHHHHRHHHHHHHHH! WTF, losing my mind!!!!!

On the Exploding Oven and other randomness...

Did I ever tell you guys about the day my oven exploded? Yeah. I shit you not. I wasn't there when it happened, thank god because I guess I could have gotten hurt? Although the glass was shatterproof and exploded into about a thousand little chunks instead of sharp shards. I came home from being out of town for a few days and discovered it. Behold:



I still don't really know what caused the explosion. I went online and found many stories of this happening to other people. A lot seemed to be GE appliances (which mine is), but there were other brands too. Apparently because the glass is tempered, any slight imperfection will eventually cause the glass to shatter. This happens to microwaves too, which you can imagine is far more dangerous than the oven because many people have their microwaves above their ovens at head level. There was a woman a few years ago who was injured when a microwave door exploded in her face while she was shopping in Sears. This could happen to you! Craziness.

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Adam and I hung out together on the webcam for about 2 hours yesterday. It was so good to see his face, I almost burst into tears. I miss him so much and the prospect of being separated for the next two years while he is stationed in Hawaii just seems so daunting and overwhelming. Sometimes I really want to just throw in the towel, quit my job and move out there. But I know I would regret that in the long run. And I would be really sad when he goes back to Durka-durka-stan again and I'm stuck at home alone all day with nothing to do except lay on the beach (hmmmm.... considering....) -- NO, it would get sad and lonely after only a few days of that. I need a job there or I can't go!

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I had a pretty good workout yesterday. I'm waiting on my New Rules of Lifting book to arrive in the mail so I can get some new routines. I've been on a "fat loss" type routine since basically this time last year trying to lose the 5 lbs I gained after cancer plus the 5 lbs I gained being a nincompoop with the vending machine (which equals just enough weight that most of my clothes don't fit anymore, which is why this is kinda bothering me because I really don't want to spend $1,000 buying new suits). Which just proves that if you don't dial in nutrition, no amount of exercise is going to make you skinny. Anyway, my point in telling you this is only to say that I'm changing things up at the moment to more of a bodybuilding-style split - 4 days of lifting, alternating upper and lower body with optional cardio. Last week I did no cardio, this week I'm shooting for two 15 minute HIIT sessions after my leg workouts and two 30 minute moderate intensity cardio sessions on my off days. So it looks like this:

Sun: 30 minutes on the arc trainer + kundalini yoga
Mon: upper body, chest focus
Tues: 30 minutes on the stepmill + yoga
Wed: legs, quad focus + 15 minutes of HIIT
Thurs: upper body, back focus
Friday: yoga
Sat: legs, hip and hamstrings focus + 15 minutes of HIIT

These workouts are heavier lifts with fewer reps. I figure I should focus on building some strength and muscle before I might have to lose a bunch of it going hypo again for my scans.

Here was yesterday:

warmup - squats, lunges, back extensions

deadlift (4x6) superset with dumbbell split squats (static lunge) (4x8)
DL: .........................SS:
10 x 65#....... ........10 x 25 # db's
8 x 75# ...................10 x 25's
6 x 80#....................8 x 30's
6 x 95# ...................8 x 30's
6 x 115# .................8 x 30s
6 x 125# .................8 x 30's

good morning (3x8) superset with calf press on the hip sled (3 x 20)
GM: .......................Calf press:
8 x 65#................... 20 x 180#
8 x 75# ...................20 x 180 #
8 x 85# ...................20 x 180 #

HIIT on the bike (I wanted to puke a lung!)

I should credit this routine to Jen Heath, whose physique I covet:

OK time to get up and get this party started!

New Look for the blog

I was sick of lookin' at those dots. This is MUCH better. I like the star. I need a new avatar... another day. Right now I need to get my ass up off the couch and get to the gym for some leg work and then off to get my groceries. I've been sitting here reading blogs and searching for jobs for two and a half hours now. Yikes! I actually applied for a few jobs. One in Hawaii working for the Air Force (intelligence) and two in Texas doing the same. Would I really move to Texas if I was offered a job there?? I don't know. There are so many things I don't like about living in the DC Metro area, but I know also that I'd just be trading in one set of problems for another. I can't help but wonder what it would be like if Adam was here and we lived together in a little house maybe somewhere in Northwest DC or the outskirts. Maybe I wouldn't mind it so much. I like my job soooo much and it would be really difficult to leave it under any circumstances. I'm just ready for a new chapter in my life. I'm ready to put the cancer stuff behind me (soon) and MOVE ON! I'm ready to be married to Adam and start our life together. I'm ready to have my own family. Right now I'm just in limbo. My cancer is not officially in remission yet and I still have more tests and procedures to go through, and I find myself starting out a new year all alone again in this big city. When am I gonna stop feeling like I'm just waiting?

The World As it Should Be

My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer on Friday. It sounds good - small tumor and they caught it early. Still. I don't think I need to say how much this grips me. After watching Crazy Sexy Cancer on Wednesday and reliving all the emotions and memories, now this brings it back even stronger because it's personal. My heart goes out to her so much. Even though there is not a doubt in my mind that she will be "cured" (...no one really uses the C word in reference to cancer because, well, you're never *really* cured, it's always lurking there the possibility of recurrence or metastasis), I know what she is going through. I know how completely overwhelming and impossible it seems that this is happening, that this is your life, that you will make it through this, that you will feel joyful or relaxed or carefree again. Ever. (You do, eventually. Eventually you get lost in work again, cuss at drivers who cut you off, feel frustration about the size of your ass, and stop seeing unfolded laundry as a sign that living itself is just too impossible. This too shall pass. It really shall. As unlikely as it seems.) I remember feeling the intense need to DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING. NOW. Oh my god, just fix it. And at the same time, the feeling of total helplessness, because there's nothing to do but wait. Wait and see. For me, the waiting and wondering was almost harder than going through the treatment... almost. Because you don't know what will happen. Yeah, they say it's a small tumor and they caught it early, but what if they cut you open and the cancer is EVERYWHERE? What if you have complications? What if you don't wake up? What if you DO? Then what? Then there's a gaping wound in your neck and you feel like if you lean your head back it might fall right off, or if you sneeze all your insides will come exploding out, and eventually there will be a huge scar on your neck and that will never go away, and now you don't have a thyroid and maybe the cancer will come back anyway maybe it will come in the night and steal you away and in spite of all your best efforts and all the vegetables you have eaten and all the healing you have done and all the moments you have lived as though you are not a sick person you are a sick person... ? Yes, eventually WHATIF? stops becoming your All Consuming Entire Existence and you stop living with the clarity of a Mortal Person because, quite simply, it is too exhausting. Sometimes you have to just sit on the couch and eat candy bars from the vending machine and watch bad re-runs on TV, even if it might be your last day on earth, because you just can't live on the precipice of life all the time. But even once you do move on, there will always be the Reliving of it. Talking with my aunt, I experience all the fear and emotion and pain again, just as powerfully as the first time, it seems.

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Just to show that life does move on and you do eventually get to do things you love again and not be a Sick Person, I will tell you that Adam and I went to Harper's Ferry on the border of WVA and MD yesterday to walk around and go hiking. I wanted to hike farther, but the foot was pissed, so we hiked to the overlook and back and called it good. The hike goes over an old bridge across the river and up the hill on the other side to a rock outcropping where you can look down on the town of Harper's Ferry and get a good view of MD/VA in the distance.

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Adam is leaving next weekend to spend 10 days in Kansas with his family. That's TEN of the mere THIRTY he has left here in DC before he moves to Hawaii. Ten days to test out being alone. Because come October? He will be gone. I didn't think I cared. Truthfully, I thought, ok, he's going. Probably we are not meant to be together (if we were, wouldn't we [I] *know* it by now?) and maybe his leaving will be good for me, maybe it will be a catalyst for new and exciting things to come into my life. Maybe it will be like the End of an Era and I will be able to move on to a healthier, happier, more fulfilled chapter in my life.

But.

The closer it gets to that time, the more I realize that I do care. I care a lot. In fact...

I'm dying inside.

I feel a little catch in my throat when I ask him how many kids he wants to have and he makes his arms into a big circle and says, I think I can get my arms around maybe 4 or 5 of them... or he washes my dishes while I'm in the shower, not because he should, and not even to do something nice for me, but just because that's the way he is... or when he tells me that walking beside me through cancer, especially holding my hand in the hospital after surgery, he felt like his soul was fused to mine... and when I ask him if he still likes me even though I'm not as skinny as I used to be and he says, you don't even know what you're talking about... but do you still love me? and I already know the answer is he would love me still no matter what.

My Person is leaving me. What does this mean?

I don't know. I don't know.

And I'm eating my heart out.

I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes
And try to tell the difference
Between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home

"Do they collide?"
I ask and you smile
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter

(Death Cab for Cutie)

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That's all I have for now. I want to tie this post up in a neat little insightful ribbon, but I can't. This post is messy and complicated, just like life, and sometimes you can't figure it out and you can't make it better and it's not ok. You just have to breathe and put one foot in front of the other and hit the publish button and trust that everything is as it should be.

"Do they collide?"
I ask and you smile
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter

Battery Recharge

This week has been soooo nice. I've gotten a MUCH needed break from the daily grind. I have not had to ride METRO ONCE (praise and rejoice). And can I tell you I have not looked at the papers once either! (Don't tell my boss...) I have absolutely NO IDEA what either North Korea or Iran is up to, whether the UN has done anything new, whether the Norks have tested another nuke, whether Al Qaeda is finally gone from Iraq, whether another Katrina or tsunami has suddenly hit some poor unsuspecting coastal city... Germany could be communist again and I would be oblivious! It is totally unlike me to not care about these things, but the relief from concern about the problems of the world and the burdensome feeling of duty to do SOMETHING anything to fix them is unbelievable. I don't feel one shred of guilt for turning a blind eye -- unravel world! fall apart into chaos and mayhem, do it quickly while I'm not on watch!

Perhaps I will reconsider my living arrangement, as I think I have identified one of my most HATED aspects of this rat race - the METRO. I could stay in Arlington a bit farther from a metro stop for less rent and spend the offset on parking downtown... hmmm....

Otherwise, I have also only worked about 15 hours total this week. Aside from the minor nervousness before my final test yesterday, it was pretty stress free. I deeply hope that this entire 8 week void will be similarly undemanding and I can return to work full of gusto in October (despite having to work Saturdays). All told, since the cancer experience, I have not slowed down once. I have not had a vacation, save for sick days taken to recover from surgery and in isolation while I was radioactive and could not be around humans. It's like tension on a rope - it only takes so much before the fibers slowly start to unravel one by one till you're hanging by a thread.

I have today off from work and although it's been ghastly hot here, I'm planning to bask by the pool, work out, get a pedicure and browse around the mall at Tyson's.

everything happens for a reason...

i have to grumble about my foot... i have metatarsalgia, kinda like plantar fascitis except in the ball of your foot, where the middle toe rubs around on the fat pad, mine is inflamed somehow and it makes walking/running painful. it is going away slowly though, feeling better every day. now i just have to not be an a$$ about it and go out and run 5 miles like i want to. i have no idea really how this happened to me - in April i ran a 10 mile race with no problem and suddenly i get foot injury with no real cause evident.

i am feeling super emotional today it is my last day at my real job before passport duty and i must leave my work (that i am passionate about) behind for the next 8 weeks... AND work saturdays for the rest of the summer
AND the last article in Oprah mag that I read this morning was all about one of her golden retrievers dying i was almost bawling but it was about how she realized that her dog's death was a gift just like her life and she learned from it...

i need to think on that one as i have to ask god what i am meant to learn from having cancer so young and the other experiences in my life, they seem to be piling up things not really going how i would like them to and i need to ask god, what are you trying to show me right now?

- cancer and all that nonsense
- craziness with having to change bc pills, then stopping them
- my foot injury which seems to take away many things i love (running, walking)
- my work is getting taken away, even though temporarily, and i have to sacrifice my saturdays to do repetitive boring monotonous work (this is not what i studied my ass off in grad school to do!)
- my bf is moving to hawaii in early october, that is coming up fast

it really seems too much for one person in just 8 months to handle, but i know there is a reason these things are coming into my life and i just don't know what yet - am i supposed to do something? do something different? just wait it out, ride the storm and then suddenly i will break through the curtain?? i do not ask god why why me. not even for a minute. because why not me? i feel so lucky that these are my vanilla sufferings and i am not living in a war zone or starving or or or... but this is not the life i imagined at the moment. i nkow it will pass, as all things, this too shall pass (my mom always says), but can't help wondering if it's some karmic thing that needs me to do something that i wish i knew what it was.......

tgif, y'all, that's all i got to say!

Nostalgia

I regularly get really powerful nostalgia. Not sure why I'm sharing this, but it's been on my mind. I think it means I'm not in the right place somehow... something is off in my chi. If I was living fully and passionately, completely absorbed in the present, I would not be overcome by random waves of intense nostalgia. Sometimes small things set it off. Cooking my eggs. The way the light looks at the sunrise. A memory. Or nothing at all in particular. There's not really a specific time I get nostalgic for... sometimes it's moments in my childhood, certain memories... sometimes college or other more recent times. There are times I decidedly do NOT get nostalgic for. Alabama is one of those. I never ever wish I could relive that place. Not for a minute. Nostalgia is it's own sensation. It's not remembering, not even fond remembering, although that is part of it. It's not missing, either... It's a mix of memory, longing, joy, sadness, missing, emptyness... all at once. Lately I have the odd, unsettled feeling like I'm missing out on something... or just missing something. Like life is passing me by... I feel inordinately sad about the simple passing of time.