Work this week has just been exhausting if you know what I mean. Yesterday was particularly annoying, just tons of little twisty things trying to screw up my chi!! Including having to argue with someone at the very end of the day about whether to say "probably" or "perhaps" in a paper I was working on. OMG RU FING KIDDING ME??? The project I was working on got held up. I can feel my soul leaking out when stuff like this happens. It makes my head want to explode. I was so irritated about it that it woke me up in the middle of the night! My irritation! It woke me in the night!! GAH.
+++++
I need to get off the couch and go run or whatever I end up doing today (is it raining again?)... but I'm waiting on the Oprah Ekhart Tolle show to download to my iTunes.
+++++
I think I forgot to update about my salivary gland ages ago. I went to an ENT finally who poked around and told me she didn't think I have a stone. I'm not so sure she's right cause I can kinda feel something in there, not sure if it's a stone or what? But it still hurts on the left side. She did scare the shit outta me by telling me if stones develop deep in the gland they will have to remove the whole thing and that is a major surgery and I DO NOT NEED ANY MORE SURGERY TO REMOVE ANY MORE GLANDS THANKYOUVERYMUCH. So. Still freaking out a little bit about that one. Will keep you posted as I will have to go back for MRI's and stuff if it's not gone by June.
+++++
Ooh, my file is done. Must motivate. I will have more to say about toxins soon, so stay tuned!
Showing posts with label Running. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Running. Show all posts
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
New Rules of Lifting for Women
I went for a run on the trails this morning. Didn't want to go, but I am so glad I made myself cause it felt SO GOOD. The temperature was right around 55, cool breeze - perfect weather. I really want to get some more running in this spring and maybe train for another 10-miler or half marathon. I've been off the trails out of paranoia because there have been a bunch of attacks on female joggers in Arlington lately. There was another one a couple weeks ago. Guess I'll just have to remember to bring my pepper spray and some whoop-ass hehe. It's not funny, though!
Weather yesterday was beautiful too. I walked down to the Lincoln Memorial and walked around the reflecting pool. Days like yesterday when I still feel like it's cool that I live and work in DC. Most of the time lately I'm just anxious and frustrated and wanting to leave here. I think that's one of the reasons why I haven't been sleeping that well lately. I lay awake and worry and feel anxious.
On New Rules for Women -- Laurie, I don't think it's a man/woman thing like the BFL for Women book which was a total SUCK. In fact, I think much of the front matter of the book is much better written than the original and provides more information. I think EVERYONE could benefit from reading it. I think the workouts feel less challenging because the program is written to appeal to all kinds of exercisers, especially women who have been working out for a long time, even using weights, but haven't moved past "doing the machines." For someone who's never touched an Olympic barbell, you can't just throw them into a program with all kinds of crazy supersets like in NROL!! I'm just enjoying it right now, I'm trying to be better about not needing to go balls out 100% of the time. Sometimes it's ok to chill out a bit in the gym, work on your form and enjoy not feeling so trashed after a workout that you could get a nap!! Anyway, it looks like the program is about to pick up a bit as I'm done with the first phase after tomorrow. Then I move on to a 3x6 rep scheme, which I'm really looking forward to!
Catch y'all later...
Weather yesterday was beautiful too. I walked down to the Lincoln Memorial and walked around the reflecting pool. Days like yesterday when I still feel like it's cool that I live and work in DC. Most of the time lately I'm just anxious and frustrated and wanting to leave here. I think that's one of the reasons why I haven't been sleeping that well lately. I lay awake and worry and feel anxious.
On New Rules for Women -- Laurie, I don't think it's a man/woman thing like the BFL for Women book which was a total SUCK. In fact, I think much of the front matter of the book is much better written than the original and provides more information. I think EVERYONE could benefit from reading it. I think the workouts feel less challenging because the program is written to appeal to all kinds of exercisers, especially women who have been working out for a long time, even using weights, but haven't moved past "doing the machines." For someone who's never touched an Olympic barbell, you can't just throw them into a program with all kinds of crazy supersets like in NROL!! I'm just enjoying it right now, I'm trying to be better about not needing to go balls out 100% of the time. Sometimes it's ok to chill out a bit in the gym, work on your form and enjoy not feeling so trashed after a workout that you could get a nap!! Anyway, it looks like the program is about to pick up a bit as I'm done with the first phase after tomorrow. Then I move on to a 3x6 rep scheme, which I'm really looking forward to!
Catch y'all later...
Saturday, October 20, 2007
I can't believe it.
I never have "bad" days. But if I did, yesterday would have been one... I'll work my way backwards...
1. The metro was broken. (I hate the facking metro) So I had to wait about 15 minutes in the HOT tunnel and then cram on the train with about 5 squillion other people (it's always more crowded when there aren't enough trains) - my commute time was doubled.
2. On my way to the metro, a 17 minute walk, it poured rain sideways in that special way it rains only in Washington DC. And I? Did not have an umbrella. *shakes fist at sky* ... also, see #1 again and keep in mind that I was soaking wet
3. Was at work till 7 pm on a Friday due to late meeting with the big boss - the PDAS (convoluted Washington title - Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary, who is second to the Assistant Secretary, who is second to the Under Secretary, who is second to the Secretary. It took me about a year to fully understand this. ha.)
4. will have to take on work load on Monday of colleague (who conveniently is jetting off to Aruba) crashing on last minute preparations for the PDAS's travel to the Middle East.
5. Found out that my office director may not let me do a rotation outside DC after all, when I've had my heart set on it for MONTHS now, because we just found out that we are losing someone in our office. If that is true, I will not be going to Hawaii for the winter spending three months with my bf or making connections for jobs at PACOM while i'm there the #5 put me in a very bitter and irritated state that just seemed like it got worse all day!
...............
All that, and the most important thing was somehow COMPLETELY lost on me. I mean, I did not even think about it all day yesterday until just now, which compelled me to write this post...
Yesterday was the one year Anniversary of my Cancer Diagnosis. The day my life changed forever.
And it didn't even occur to me yesterday. All week I've been thinking about it. I've been thinking about how I would reflect and do something of a ritual or something... and then the day came and I got wrapped up in life's little mini-dramas and I fORGOT the most important thing.
The irony is significant here. One year ago yesterday, my perspective totally shifted and all of those little mini-dramas did NOT matter, and I completely saw with crystal clarity what really DID. Riding on the metro one year ago, I felt intense compassion for everyone around me because I realized that any one of them could have just been diagnosed with cancer, just like me. Or found out a loved one died or they're infertile or any one of a million very important and very human things could be going on with them. Instead of resenting them for being on the train in my way, sweating on my arm, sneezing in my direction. Little disagreements at work, irritations, etc, suddenly when viewed from the new vantage point of sensing mortality didn't affect me. It was like finding enlightenment.
Sensing mortality means feeling your death. Feeling how close it is, how fragile and vulnerable we are. Feeling how death is just the other side of the coin. It's incredibly overwhelming and words can't describe it unless you've felt experienced it.
Of course, this enlightenment doesn't last. Eventually life goes on and living is not so urgent anymore.
I'm not even officially in remission yet, so I can't say I'm cancer free. I'm in this weird thyroid cancer-limbo land until I have my first year scans and see what there is to see. I had stage I disease, so I'm not planning to die of this.
++++++++++++++++++++
Yesterday I went and ran hill drills where the Bluemont Trail meets the W&OD trail. I ran down then back up, then ran down backwards, then up backwards. Then down again. Then I did lunges up until my quads stopped firing. ran the rest of the way, then lunged back down. Then ran up and down three more times.
While it's been 60 and cool every morning, this morning it was like a sauna. I, of course, dressed for 60 in pants and a long sleeved tshirt and was DYING. I had my shirt off for the hill repeats, muffin top be damned! It was still dark out so who cares?
1. The metro was broken. (I hate the facking metro) So I had to wait about 15 minutes in the HOT tunnel and then cram on the train with about 5 squillion other people (it's always more crowded when there aren't enough trains) - my commute time was doubled.
2. On my way to the metro, a 17 minute walk, it poured rain sideways in that special way it rains only in Washington DC. And I? Did not have an umbrella. *shakes fist at sky* ... also, see #1 again and keep in mind that I was soaking wet
3. Was at work till 7 pm on a Friday due to late meeting with the big boss - the PDAS (convoluted Washington title - Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary, who is second to the Assistant Secretary, who is second to the Under Secretary, who is second to the Secretary. It took me about a year to fully understand this. ha.)
4. will have to take on work load on Monday of colleague (who conveniently is jetting off to Aruba) crashing on last minute preparations for the PDAS's travel to the Middle East.
5. Found out that my office director may not let me do a rotation outside DC after all, when I've had my heart set on it for MONTHS now, because we just found out that we are losing someone in our office. If that is true, I will not be going to Hawaii for the winter spending three months with my bf or making connections for jobs at PACOM while i'm there the #5 put me in a very bitter and irritated state that just seemed like it got worse all day!
...............
All that, and the most important thing was somehow COMPLETELY lost on me. I mean, I did not even think about it all day yesterday until just now, which compelled me to write this post...
Yesterday was the one year Anniversary of my Cancer Diagnosis. The day my life changed forever.
And it didn't even occur to me yesterday. All week I've been thinking about it. I've been thinking about how I would reflect and do something of a ritual or something... and then the day came and I got wrapped up in life's little mini-dramas and I fORGOT the most important thing.
The irony is significant here. One year ago yesterday, my perspective totally shifted and all of those little mini-dramas did NOT matter, and I completely saw with crystal clarity what really DID. Riding on the metro one year ago, I felt intense compassion for everyone around me because I realized that any one of them could have just been diagnosed with cancer, just like me. Or found out a loved one died or they're infertile or any one of a million very important and very human things could be going on with them. Instead of resenting them for being on the train in my way, sweating on my arm, sneezing in my direction. Little disagreements at work, irritations, etc, suddenly when viewed from the new vantage point of sensing mortality didn't affect me. It was like finding enlightenment.
Sensing mortality means feeling your death. Feeling how close it is, how fragile and vulnerable we are. Feeling how death is just the other side of the coin. It's incredibly overwhelming and words can't describe it unless you've felt experienced it.
Of course, this enlightenment doesn't last. Eventually life goes on and living is not so urgent anymore.
I'm not even officially in remission yet, so I can't say I'm cancer free. I'm in this weird thyroid cancer-limbo land until I have my first year scans and see what there is to see. I had stage I disease, so I'm not planning to die of this.
++++++++++++++++++++
Yesterday I went and ran hill drills where the Bluemont Trail meets the W&OD trail. I ran down then back up, then ran down backwards, then up backwards. Then down again. Then I did lunges up until my quads stopped firing. ran the rest of the way, then lunged back down. Then ran up and down three more times.
While it's been 60 and cool every morning, this morning it was like a sauna. I, of course, dressed for 60 in pants and a long sleeved tshirt and was DYING. I had my shirt off for the hill repeats, muffin top be damned! It was still dark out so who cares?
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Picture from the race
Here's a picture of me with family at the race. I'm related to all but the girl and guy second and third from the left. The rest of us look identical, I think, including Cara's husband in the neon jacket, who is only related to the rest of us by law!
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
1:38:40!!
A 9:51 pace. I can’t believe I ran it that fast! It was awesome, I had a great time! I was worried, of course, that I would feel tired, or it would be too hard, or I would get injured (or my previous injuries would flare up) – but none of that came to pass. I felt great, it was a fantastic run. It didn’t feel like ten miles at all, it went so fast. I didn’t feel like I was struggling until the last mile really – I was just swept along by the huge crowd. I maintained an even pace, I didn’t slow much throughout the race, although I did walk for a couple of minutes at one water station, partly because my heart rate was running really high at that point, having run uphill for about a mile and a half. Then came the turnaround, and the downhill quick shot to the finish line.
I am SO happy with my time!!! I’m really proud of myself for completing the race, and amazed that I was able to do so well on the minimal training I actually did. The weather even cooperated – it was cold before the start, especially since everyone had to metro downtown and wait outside for busses to take us to the Tidal Basin and then walk almost a mile from the drop off to the staging area. But once we started running, I warmed up even a bit too much. It was that perfect 50-ish overcast coolness – great to run in.
I’m happy to be done, too, and now I can focus on some other goals and interests. It’s not like training was taking up a whole lot of time (since, um, I wasn’t… training…) but it is an element of stress – especially the last few weeks of 8/9/10 mile runs that take days to recover from. Speaking of recovery, after the race I ate SO MUCH, and went for a massage and pedicure (a super birthday present from my parents!!) and that was the PERFECT combination. I was not even sore on Monday, I felt fine. Like I had run maybe 3-4 miles on Sunday, not 10. It was hard not to go to the gym and lift, but I made myself take the break, just psychologically I probably needed another day of rest.
Some of the things I want to accomplish this spring are:
Hike something new.
Visit somewhere historical in VA (maybe Williamsburg?)
Take a trip to Florida to visit my sister.
See muscle definition in my arms.
Do 10 pull-ups in a row.
Run the George Washington Parkway Classic 5k with my coworkers.
Get confirmed.
Finish 3 books (Water Music by T.C. Boyle, It’s Not About the Bike by Lance Armstrong, and Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs).
Start a Roth IRA.
By the way, the cover of Newsweek is a series about living with cancer – in line with the Edwards/Snow announcements of their recurrences. The main article is by a man whose odds of survival were only about 50%, but I still related to much of what he wrote, like:
“With no standard of care for this disease, each expert I managed to get on the phone had a slightly different take on how it should be treated, which I later discovered is common with cancer.”
“Physically, I felt OK; emotionally, I was in hell. A woman I knew who was dying of breast cancer told me that none of the pain she was suffering at the end of her life compared with that first month and the daze of diagnosis.”
“Like the 10.5 million other cancer survivors in the United States, I experienced a bit of extra stress last week. When Elizabeth Edwards's breast cancer recurred in her bones and Tony Snow's colon cancer recurred in his liver, the cold fear that many of us live with every day crept a little closer.”
“The only constant in cancer is inconstancy; the only certainty is a future of uncertainty, a truism for all of modern life but one made vivid by life-threatening illness.”
Definitely worth a read.
I am SO happy with my time!!! I’m really proud of myself for completing the race, and amazed that I was able to do so well on the minimal training I actually did. The weather even cooperated – it was cold before the start, especially since everyone had to metro downtown and wait outside for busses to take us to the Tidal Basin and then walk almost a mile from the drop off to the staging area. But once we started running, I warmed up even a bit too much. It was that perfect 50-ish overcast coolness – great to run in.
I’m happy to be done, too, and now I can focus on some other goals and interests. It’s not like training was taking up a whole lot of time (since, um, I wasn’t… training…) but it is an element of stress – especially the last few weeks of 8/9/10 mile runs that take days to recover from. Speaking of recovery, after the race I ate SO MUCH, and went for a massage and pedicure (a super birthday present from my parents!!) and that was the PERFECT combination. I was not even sore on Monday, I felt fine. Like I had run maybe 3-4 miles on Sunday, not 10. It was hard not to go to the gym and lift, but I made myself take the break, just psychologically I probably needed another day of rest.
Some of the things I want to accomplish this spring are:
Hike something new.
Visit somewhere historical in VA (maybe Williamsburg?)
Take a trip to Florida to visit my sister.
See muscle definition in my arms.
Do 10 pull-ups in a row.
Run the George Washington Parkway Classic 5k with my coworkers.
Get confirmed.
Finish 3 books (Water Music by T.C. Boyle, It’s Not About the Bike by Lance Armstrong, and Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs).
Start a Roth IRA.
By the way, the cover of Newsweek is a series about living with cancer – in line with the Edwards/Snow announcements of their recurrences. The main article is by a man whose odds of survival were only about 50%, but I still related to much of what he wrote, like:
“With no standard of care for this disease, each expert I managed to get on the phone had a slightly different take on how it should be treated, which I later discovered is common with cancer.”
“Physically, I felt OK; emotionally, I was in hell. A woman I knew who was dying of breast cancer told me that none of the pain she was suffering at the end of her life compared with that first month and the daze of diagnosis.”
“Like the 10.5 million other cancer survivors in the United States, I experienced a bit of extra stress last week. When Elizabeth Edwards's breast cancer recurred in her bones and Tony Snow's colon cancer recurred in his liver, the cold fear that many of us live with every day crept a little closer.”
“The only constant in cancer is inconstancy; the only certainty is a future of uncertainty, a truism for all of modern life but one made vivid by life-threatening illness.”
Definitely worth a read.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
The forecast for tomorrow. Shit.
 T-Showers |
Sunday
High - 62
Low - 54
Precip: 60%
Showers early then thundershowers developing later in the day. High 62F. Winds SE at 5 to 10 mph. Chance of rain 60%.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
The Finish Line
I dug out my reflector vest and ran OUTSIDE this morning! On the trails! It was downright warm, which was sooo nice. It was 80 degrees here yesterday! That means the dog days of summer are fast approaching, when I will wilt for three months in the oppressive humidity. But for now? We have The Spring! I hadn't run outside in the a.m. in... gosh, months, I think. It felt good.
I wish I had another week to train for this race, just so I would feel more prepared. I wish I had the Europe week back! Not that I think I'd be faster or anything, but that I wouldn't feel like I'm just trying to squeeze out ten miles. I'm not really bothered that much by it... it's more my physical state and recovery!
I will just be proud of myself when I cross that finish line. I'm really glad I decided to go ahead and run the race despite not being physically ready for endurance training. It's like a milestone in my cancer journey - a symbol of survival and a gateway to the next big thing. The cherry blossoms will be erupting around the tidal basin, spring will be rolling around us in all its splendid newness, and I will finish the run on Sunday knowing that I am crossing more Finishing Lines than one.
I wish I had another week to train for this race, just so I would feel more prepared. I wish I had the Europe week back! Not that I think I'd be faster or anything, but that I wouldn't feel like I'm just trying to squeeze out ten miles. I'm not really bothered that much by it... it's more my physical state and recovery!
I will just be proud of myself when I cross that finish line. I'm really glad I decided to go ahead and run the race despite not being physically ready for endurance training. It's like a milestone in my cancer journey - a symbol of survival and a gateway to the next big thing. The cherry blossoms will be erupting around the tidal basin, spring will be rolling around us in all its splendid newness, and I will finish the run on Sunday knowing that I am crossing more Finishing Lines than one.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Apparently running 10 miles is exhausting....
Oh boy am I feeling it. On Saturday after my ten mile run I felt weird and fuzzy all day. I was so tired, like bone tired, that I even had a hard time falling asleep. I was definitely not recovered on Sunday. I went over to the gym thinking I would do some upper body lifts, but I left after a few sets because I was THAT wasted. Even this morning I was still not feeling it and subbed out my 20 minute high-intensity cardio session with a low-intensity incline treadmill walk. I must be getting old :) (should I stop blaming this stuff on my cancer/thyroid now?)!! I have got to get a couple of runs in this week so my body is not so shocked and peevish after the race on Sunday! That's what you get for not running for a couple weeks and then jumping right in with a long one! Oh well. Not like I could have said no to the Europe trip...
My tendinitis turned out to be just a day-long irritation, it's feeling all better today. I actually injured my peroneal right before my surgery in November (I was SO sad I could not run before my surgery!) and it totally SUCKED because I literally could not walk on my foot. I thought I might have fractured something. It turned out to be a lucky time for that injury because I was forced to lay around recovering from surgery, so could not continue to exercise stubbornly like I probably would have done otherwise. And the peroneal injury prevented me from doing something retarded like trying to do cardio a few days after the surgery like I probably would have done otherwise! See, things happen for a reason.
That bout of tendinitis turned out to be not so bad, but I was off that same leg for a few months with illiotibial band syndrome a couple years ago. It was so hard to not run for months! That was when I swam - in the nice olympic size lap pool at the Texas A&M gym (gawd, we were so spoiled at that gym, and I knew it too: it was bittersweet to work out there knowing I would have to leave it all behind.... huge pool, spa, quarter-mile indoor track, full weight room, plenty of cardio equipment, a huge rock climbing wall, indoor basketball courts, etc, etc, etc. FOR FREE. -- let's not get technical about mandatory student fees --. I weep when I think about it.) Aaanyway, after some physical therapy (only $10 per session with a collegiate sports PT... maybe I should go back to college?!) my ITB finally subsided, although it still flares up every once in a while if I do not stretch diligently. Something must be off with my right side because I now have tendinitis problems up the whole leg!
Metro tires me deeply and tries my patience. I therefore avoid using it on the weekends when I don't have to (I would probably go downtown a lot more if I didn't have to ride metro!). But yesterday I just wanted to be outside in the glorious sunny springtime. So I decided to metro to Rosslyn and walk across the Key Bridge to Georgetown to go to church. I walked up the Exorcist Staircase, which I thought was appropriate, being that I was on my way to church. Yes, that's the real actual staircase from the movie - they filmed it in Georgetown! Freaky stuff.
This afternoon I got to go hear the Moscow Chamber Orchestra play a lunchtime concert at the State Department. Apparently it's the bicentennial anniversary of the establishment of diplomatic relations between Washington and Moscow. Who knew?!
My tendinitis turned out to be just a day-long irritation, it's feeling all better today. I actually injured my peroneal right before my surgery in November (I was SO sad I could not run before my surgery!) and it totally SUCKED because I literally could not walk on my foot. I thought I might have fractured something. It turned out to be a lucky time for that injury because I was forced to lay around recovering from surgery, so could not continue to exercise stubbornly like I probably would have done otherwise. And the peroneal injury prevented me from doing something retarded like trying to do cardio a few days after the surgery like I probably would have done otherwise! See, things happen for a reason.
That bout of tendinitis turned out to be not so bad, but I was off that same leg for a few months with illiotibial band syndrome a couple years ago. It was so hard to not run for months! That was when I swam - in the nice olympic size lap pool at the Texas A&M gym (gawd, we were so spoiled at that gym, and I knew it too: it was bittersweet to work out there knowing I would have to leave it all behind.... huge pool, spa, quarter-mile indoor track, full weight room, plenty of cardio equipment, a huge rock climbing wall, indoor basketball courts, etc, etc, etc. FOR FREE. -- let's not get technical about mandatory student fees --. I weep when I think about it.) Aaanyway, after some physical therapy (only $10 per session with a collegiate sports PT... maybe I should go back to college?!) my ITB finally subsided, although it still flares up every once in a while if I do not stretch diligently. Something must be off with my right side because I now have tendinitis problems up the whole leg!
Metro tires me deeply and tries my patience. I therefore avoid using it on the weekends when I don't have to (I would probably go downtown a lot more if I didn't have to ride metro!). But yesterday I just wanted to be outside in the glorious sunny springtime. So I decided to metro to Rosslyn and walk across the Key Bridge to Georgetown to go to church. I walked up the Exorcist Staircase, which I thought was appropriate, being that I was on my way to church. Yes, that's the real actual staircase from the movie - they filmed it in Georgetown! Freaky stuff.
This afternoon I got to go hear the Moscow Chamber Orchestra play a lunchtime concert at the State Department. Apparently it's the bicentennial anniversary of the establishment of diplomatic relations between Washington and Moscow. Who knew?!
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Random bits
I can't believe I've been so productive today! It's only 3 and so far I've been to get groceries, done three loads of laundry, including my sheets, re-made the bed, folded all the clothes, paid bills, mailed in checks to the bank, run ten miles...
Yeah, I'm wiped out from the ten mile run. The fact that I did it is nothing short of astounding. I have not run in two weeks! I brought all my running gear to Europe with me, but... um, yeah. It's impossible to get a cup of coffee before 7 in Europe, I discovered, and as for post-run recovery breakfast... a brioche just wouldn't have cut it. They don't scramble up eggs at the cafe. Plus I wanted to sightsee as much as possible!
It's really foggy and drizzly here today. The National Marathon happened this morning, and I watched some of the press coverage and got all inspired. I didn't want to put it off till tomorrow, so I just went. It was harrrrd. I wasn't sure I was going to run 10 miles until it was over. The first 7 were not so bad, but ouch. The tendinitis in my right leg is irritating me - both my ITB and my peroneal tendon. I put some HPQR on it when I got home - that horse stuff Adam's veterinarian dad gave me when I first injured my peroneal.
I had two Netflix of Gray's Anatomy that were sitting on my counter for weeks. I finally just mailed them back - unwatched. I should have done it earlier. I just can't bring myself to watch that show anymore. It brings back memories of the surgery and laying in the OR and being isolated in the hospital - I prefer not to have that all dredged up watching a tv show!
They are painting the hallways in my apartment. When I walk down the hall I swear I can feel the capillaries in my lungs dying, the fumes are so toxic! They are going to paint our doors on Tuesday, which requires leaving the door open for several hours. This deeply irritates me.
Earlier I had the biggest runner's high, but now my head feels all cloudy and thick. I'm not sure what to do with myself for the rest of the afternoon?! Maybe I will go across the street and watch a movie (yes, I live across the street from a movie theater!) - 300 is playing there, but I know Adam will want to see it and he'll be disappointed if I see it without him :(. Maybe a nap... zzzzzzzzzz.
Yeah, I'm wiped out from the ten mile run. The fact that I did it is nothing short of astounding. I have not run in two weeks! I brought all my running gear to Europe with me, but... um, yeah. It's impossible to get a cup of coffee before 7 in Europe, I discovered, and as for post-run recovery breakfast... a brioche just wouldn't have cut it. They don't scramble up eggs at the cafe. Plus I wanted to sightsee as much as possible!
It's really foggy and drizzly here today. The National Marathon happened this morning, and I watched some of the press coverage and got all inspired. I didn't want to put it off till tomorrow, so I just went. It was harrrrd. I wasn't sure I was going to run 10 miles until it was over. The first 7 were not so bad, but ouch. The tendinitis in my right leg is irritating me - both my ITB and my peroneal tendon. I put some HPQR on it when I got home - that horse stuff Adam's veterinarian dad gave me when I first injured my peroneal.
I had two Netflix of Gray's Anatomy that were sitting on my counter for weeks. I finally just mailed them back - unwatched. I should have done it earlier. I just can't bring myself to watch that show anymore. It brings back memories of the surgery and laying in the OR and being isolated in the hospital - I prefer not to have that all dredged up watching a tv show!
They are painting the hallways in my apartment. When I walk down the hall I swear I can feel the capillaries in my lungs dying, the fumes are so toxic! They are going to paint our doors on Tuesday, which requires leaving the door open for several hours. This deeply irritates me.
Earlier I had the biggest runner's high, but now my head feels all cloudy and thick. I'm not sure what to do with myself for the rest of the afternoon?! Maybe I will go across the street and watch a movie (yes, I live across the street from a movie theater!) - 300 is playing there, but I know Adam will want to see it and he'll be disappointed if I see it without him :(. Maybe a nap... zzzzzzzzzz.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Stop the Madness!
This week has been crazy! My boss came to me on Wednesday and said, "are you available to go on a trip next week?" Um... "It's to Vienna and Paris." Hell yeah! So I leave on Monday for Vienna! This is my first time traveling internationally for work and I'm a little nervous, but I'm traveling with someone important so we will be staying in the NICEST hotels in the cities and get chauffeured around everywhere! The schedule is also pretty greuling - all day meetings - but I'm going to just hope my energy holds and go for it. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the week scrambling to get everything ready to go on a trip - let me just say that the bureaucracy of the federal government rears its ugly head in no uncertain terms when you are traveling on Uncle Sam's dime! I think there were forms I had to sign just to get to sign other forms!
Speaking of my energy, I had my first appointment with my endocrinologist since my RAI yesterday. Waiting all week for it was so hard, I just wanted the time to come so I could find out what my hormone levels are and get some more medicine!! He is upping my meds, as I suspected. I think that is going to be good and I hope I will feel 100% after a few weeks on a higher dose. My hormone levels are well within the "normal" range, but I still don't feel fantastic, I still get hypo symptoms. Some days I feel really great, but some days are just ick. I know from the Yahoo Thyroid Cancer Support Group that little changes can make a big difference in how someone feels. It's so hard sometimes because I just want to put this all behind me, but I'm constantly reminded in small or larger ways that this is my life now.
That happens a lot when I'm training - it's just not the same as it used to be right now. But I had a revelation that, you know, it's been just two months since I finished up treatment for CANCER. I've been so determined that I wasn't going to let that slow me down, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I need to stop dwelling on how things used to be and be realistic about where I am right now. I'm working under different parameters now and my challenges are going to be different than they were before. I can still do the best that I can do, it might just be a different best than before, at least temporarily. I must be moving through the stages of grief! Maybe I'm getting closer to the acceptance stage. But seriously, I need to give myself some time to fully recover. I just had surgery a few months ago for pete's sake, and they removed a VITAL organ, and then I ate poison, and now I have to learn to live with chemicals making up for what my body can no longer do on its own (metabolize... how freaky is that).
And probably, looking back, signing up for a 10 mile race at this time was not the brightest idea. I don't want to be a quitter, so I'm going to run the race anyway, and I don't think I'm doing any major harm (least I hope not) - but I really should probably have given myself at least 3-4 months to recover all the way before I started endurance training. Luckily I've been able to sneak by on only about 10-12 miles a week somehow. There's no way I could be running 30 miles a week like I was doing before the surgery. If I hadn't had that base built up before, I could never be doing this now. No way. I felt like crap when my mileage started to go up a few weeks ago.
Anyway. I ran 9 miles this morning. I really really did not want to, but I made myself. I felt like shit because I woke up with the WORST food hang-over I think I've ever had. I think that's part of this new chemical metabolism I have going on - I feel like utter poo-poo if I eat a lot at once, especially if it's sweets or carb-heavy. My body just doesn't seem to handle the excess anymore. I totally regretted eating so much at dinner last night, but do I feel bad about it? Heck no!! It was my BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!!! And I had a great time while I was involved with P.F. Chang's and one ginormous piece of cheesecake, plus a chocolate bar afterward. I only regretted it because I woke up with such a terrible headache that persists still as I sit here typing. :(
Obviously I did not want to run, but with the extra carbs, my legs actually felt GREAT and I did not bonk like I did last week. I even ran the hard course!! My time was 1:35:43 - about a 10:30 min mile. Not bad, eh? My HR average was 160 - higher than it's normally been at 155, but to be expected since I ran the more difficult route. It was a strategic choice on which route to run, and I went with the way that is much hillier but has several pit stops with running water, and I availed myself of every one! I've been so parched on the easier route!
So, this week will be a rest week, since I don't think I will get to work out at all while I'm traveling. It will probably do me good!
Oh, and get this madness - y'all are not going to believe this... I work out at a Gold's where the weight room is in the basement. Normally the two sets of doors on either end of the room are left wide open, but lately they started closing them up tight, and they posted a sign that says "By order of the fire marshal, these doors must remain closed at all times when not in use." Finding this confusing, I asked the guy at the desk about it.
Me: Why do the doors have to be shut now?
Guy: In case there's a fire, so they can contain it.
Me: (blink. blink.) Wait. If there's a fire downstairs, won't we want the doors to be wide open so all the people can escape??
Guy: Uh, I don't know, that's just what the fire marshal says...
WTH?? Am I alone in my confusion here or does someone else out there think this is craziness? The only explanation I can come up with is that maybe someone mis-interpreted the meaning of "when not in use" - like maybe it really means when no people are downstairs in the basement, working out.
Every time the doors swing shut behind me now all I can think of is that if there's a fire in there, we will all die in a blazing inferno!!! But the fire? Will be contained.
Speaking of my energy, I had my first appointment with my endocrinologist since my RAI yesterday. Waiting all week for it was so hard, I just wanted the time to come so I could find out what my hormone levels are and get some more medicine!! He is upping my meds, as I suspected. I think that is going to be good and I hope I will feel 100% after a few weeks on a higher dose. My hormone levels are well within the "normal" range, but I still don't feel fantastic, I still get hypo symptoms. Some days I feel really great, but some days are just ick. I know from the Yahoo Thyroid Cancer Support Group that little changes can make a big difference in how someone feels. It's so hard sometimes because I just want to put this all behind me, but I'm constantly reminded in small or larger ways that this is my life now.
That happens a lot when I'm training - it's just not the same as it used to be right now. But I had a revelation that, you know, it's been just two months since I finished up treatment for CANCER. I've been so determined that I wasn't going to let that slow me down, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I need to stop dwelling on how things used to be and be realistic about where I am right now. I'm working under different parameters now and my challenges are going to be different than they were before. I can still do the best that I can do, it might just be a different best than before, at least temporarily. I must be moving through the stages of grief! Maybe I'm getting closer to the acceptance stage. But seriously, I need to give myself some time to fully recover. I just had surgery a few months ago for pete's sake, and they removed a VITAL organ, and then I ate poison, and now I have to learn to live with chemicals making up for what my body can no longer do on its own (metabolize... how freaky is that).
And probably, looking back, signing up for a 10 mile race at this time was not the brightest idea. I don't want to be a quitter, so I'm going to run the race anyway, and I don't think I'm doing any major harm (least I hope not) - but I really should probably have given myself at least 3-4 months to recover all the way before I started endurance training. Luckily I've been able to sneak by on only about 10-12 miles a week somehow. There's no way I could be running 30 miles a week like I was doing before the surgery. If I hadn't had that base built up before, I could never be doing this now. No way. I felt like crap when my mileage started to go up a few weeks ago.
Anyway. I ran 9 miles this morning. I really really did not want to, but I made myself. I felt like shit because I woke up with the WORST food hang-over I think I've ever had. I think that's part of this new chemical metabolism I have going on - I feel like utter poo-poo if I eat a lot at once, especially if it's sweets or carb-heavy. My body just doesn't seem to handle the excess anymore. I totally regretted eating so much at dinner last night, but do I feel bad about it? Heck no!! It was my BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!!! And I had a great time while I was involved with P.F. Chang's and one ginormous piece of cheesecake, plus a chocolate bar afterward. I only regretted it because I woke up with such a terrible headache that persists still as I sit here typing. :(
Obviously I did not want to run, but with the extra carbs, my legs actually felt GREAT and I did not bonk like I did last week. I even ran the hard course!! My time was 1:35:43 - about a 10:30 min mile. Not bad, eh? My HR average was 160 - higher than it's normally been at 155, but to be expected since I ran the more difficult route. It was a strategic choice on which route to run, and I went with the way that is much hillier but has several pit stops with running water, and I availed myself of every one! I've been so parched on the easier route!
So, this week will be a rest week, since I don't think I will get to work out at all while I'm traveling. It will probably do me good!
Oh, and get this madness - y'all are not going to believe this... I work out at a Gold's where the weight room is in the basement. Normally the two sets of doors on either end of the room are left wide open, but lately they started closing them up tight, and they posted a sign that says "By order of the fire marshal, these doors must remain closed at all times when not in use." Finding this confusing, I asked the guy at the desk about it.
Me: Why do the doors have to be shut now?
Guy: In case there's a fire, so they can contain it.
Me: (blink. blink.) Wait. If there's a fire downstairs, won't we want the doors to be wide open so all the people can escape??
Guy: Uh, I don't know, that's just what the fire marshal says...
WTH?? Am I alone in my confusion here or does someone else out there think this is craziness? The only explanation I can come up with is that maybe someone mis-interpreted the meaning of "when not in use" - like maybe it really means when no people are downstairs in the basement, working out.
Every time the doors swing shut behind me now all I can think of is that if there's a fire in there, we will all die in a blazing inferno!!! But the fire? Will be contained.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Big Week Ahead
This is going to be a big week. First, spring will sort of "officially" be sprung upon us with the early arrival of daylight savings time on the 11th. Frankly, I find this ridiculous... they are making DST come early so as to save on energy consumption. I think it's supposed to save 10,000 barrels of oil per day or something like that. I'm no economic genius, but I don't really understand how it's supposed to save us on oil by making the daylight hours shift. Someone please feel free to enlighten me. Even if it does, in fact, somehow save oil (even though there are the same number of hours in the day, and we will all continue to sleep/work/whatever for the same amount of time), it strikes me that this is a band-aid solution to the larger problem of our over-dependence on unsustainable sources of energy (including foreign oil). Instead of trying to actually fix the problem, they fiddle with time! I try to keep the political commentary out of this blog, mainly because I do work for the government and feel it would be inappropriate, but I had to say something about DST!!
This is also the week I get my blood work done to find out where my thyroid hormone levels are. I *know* I'm not on a high enough dose, but I still feel a bit nervous, like maybe the numbers will say that I am or something. There are a whole host of reasons that I think I'm still hypo - but they all boil down to the general feeling that I'm out of whack & my hormones are jacked up. Like having PMS all the freaking time (and that includes the MAJOR bloating and weight gain). I only regret that I agreed to wait a whole 8 weeks before having my first blood draw (as opposed to the normal 6... sometimes I think my endo is wacko... he likes to overdo the waiting thing - like how he wanted me to wait a WEEK before restarting my thyroid hormone after the RAI because it might make it absorb less, even though all the RAI is absorbed after only about 24 hours... sometimes more is not better, it's just more). He wanted me to wait TEN weeks for my first blood draw, and I was like, huh? No.
So, you know, I just keep wondering if I'm ever going to feel like myself again. Between the mood swings and the malaise/depression and the fatigue and the weight gain and the grieving process, I have become pretty withdrawn. I guess it's a coping mechanism and I'm not sure if it's healthy or not to want to isolate myself. Maybe it's what I personally need to deal or maybe I would be better if I would let people in more (I do realize the irony that I'm telling this to the entire internet... I'm mainly talking about real human interaction).
Finally, it will be my birthday. I'm going to turn 27, which puts me solidly in the late-twenties crowd. I can't believe it. I always thought by this age, I'd have it all together, but I still feel like I haven't arrived yet, if that makes sense. Like I'm still waiting for my "real life" to begin... it's hard to articulate. Like you know when you were in college and you knew it wasn't the real thing, it was temporary - a stepping stone to your "real" life? I can't understand why I feel this way, but I think it has to do with feeling like I'm not totally committed to anything in my current circumstances. Sure, I love my job, but the other areas of my life seem to fall short of ideal. I look back on times when other areas of my life (living situation, social life, city) were great, but my job was detestable. I am SO glad to be doing what I'm doing now instead of still floundering around professionally. But is it always going to be a trade-off? Will there ever be a time when I feel like everything in my life is great? When am I going to feel at home in my life?
I'm so happy the weather is finally looking up. I heard on the news that we may have a cooler than average spring/summer and that would be just perfectly fine in my book. I get really bothered by extreme temperatures. I took advantage of the beautiful sunny day and ran yesterday. When I got back, I mapped my run on Gmaps (love it!) and it turns out that last week I actually ran almost 7 miles and yesterday I did 8!! I've been running on a new, easier route than I used to and I was estimating the mileage. That gives me confidence to do the race and I think I'll definitely run it even though I won't be setting any personal records. Yesterday's average pace was just above a 10 minute mile - I probably started off closer to a 9 minute pace and by the end was doing 11 min/mile. Again, I was super thirsty! Wonder if that's something to do with the thyroid thing? The groundwater is still frozen so none of the fountains work. I also noticed that I smell a really strong chemical odor after I sweat a lot. I guess this is because of the medication?
I was completely and totally wiped after that. My body just doesn't know how to recover like it used to with insufficient thyroid function. It wasn't a bad run overall. I felt great for the first 4 miles or so. The last few were really hard. By the end, everything felt like mush and I had to focus on swinging my arms to keep my legs moving! I was a bit surprised that I was able to complete the distance (even though I thought I was running a mile less!) because that brings my weekly total to 10 miles. And last week I only ran 9 total. Huh. I'm not going to argue, though! If I'm going to be able to run 10 miles on just a long run once a week and two 20 minute HIIT cross-training sessions in between, that will be just fine thank-you-very-much!! I was definitely feeling over-trained when I was running more weekly mileage a few weeks ago. It was too much. I hope there are cherry blossoms on race day!
My workouts went like this:
Sat - 7 mile run
Sun - Lift Legs
Mon - 20 min HIIT on the stepper, plus 10 min easy jog
Tues - Upper body weights
Wed - 20 min HIIT on the stepper, 10 min easy jog
Thurs - total body weights
Friday- REST!
Sat - 8 mile run
I really like this split but I'm debating switching things up this week since my legs are pretty sore... I think I might switch legs and upper body weights out. Thursday's workout was really fun - it went like this (all supersets, all 3x12):
Snatch (Wide)-grip deadlift - 55# bar
T push-up - bodyweight
Bulgarian Split squat with overhead press (12 on each leg, 24 shoulder presses!) - 8# db's
Assisted chin up - # 11 on the machine
Straight-leg deadlift with bent over row - 55# bar
Swiss ball crunch - bodyweight
My arms were trashed after that! I like doing the compound upper/lower supersets, they make you feel like you're really working hard!! I have to credit Alwyn Cosgrove with this workout!
This is also the week I get my blood work done to find out where my thyroid hormone levels are. I *know* I'm not on a high enough dose, but I still feel a bit nervous, like maybe the numbers will say that I am or something. There are a whole host of reasons that I think I'm still hypo - but they all boil down to the general feeling that I'm out of whack & my hormones are jacked up. Like having PMS all the freaking time (and that includes the MAJOR bloating and weight gain). I only regret that I agreed to wait a whole 8 weeks before having my first blood draw (as opposed to the normal 6... sometimes I think my endo is wacko... he likes to overdo the waiting thing - like how he wanted me to wait a WEEK before restarting my thyroid hormone after the RAI because it might make it absorb less, even though all the RAI is absorbed after only about 24 hours... sometimes more is not better, it's just more). He wanted me to wait TEN weeks for my first blood draw, and I was like, huh? No.
So, you know, I just keep wondering if I'm ever going to feel like myself again. Between the mood swings and the malaise/depression and the fatigue and the weight gain and the grieving process, I have become pretty withdrawn. I guess it's a coping mechanism and I'm not sure if it's healthy or not to want to isolate myself. Maybe it's what I personally need to deal or maybe I would be better if I would let people in more (I do realize the irony that I'm telling this to the entire internet... I'm mainly talking about real human interaction).
Finally, it will be my birthday. I'm going to turn 27, which puts me solidly in the late-twenties crowd. I can't believe it. I always thought by this age, I'd have it all together, but I still feel like I haven't arrived yet, if that makes sense. Like I'm still waiting for my "real life" to begin... it's hard to articulate. Like you know when you were in college and you knew it wasn't the real thing, it was temporary - a stepping stone to your "real" life? I can't understand why I feel this way, but I think it has to do with feeling like I'm not totally committed to anything in my current circumstances. Sure, I love my job, but the other areas of my life seem to fall short of ideal. I look back on times when other areas of my life (living situation, social life, city) were great, but my job was detestable. I am SO glad to be doing what I'm doing now instead of still floundering around professionally. But is it always going to be a trade-off? Will there ever be a time when I feel like everything in my life is great? When am I going to feel at home in my life?
I'm so happy the weather is finally looking up. I heard on the news that we may have a cooler than average spring/summer and that would be just perfectly fine in my book. I get really bothered by extreme temperatures. I took advantage of the beautiful sunny day and ran yesterday. When I got back, I mapped my run on Gmaps (love it!) and it turns out that last week I actually ran almost 7 miles and yesterday I did 8!! I've been running on a new, easier route than I used to and I was estimating the mileage. That gives me confidence to do the race and I think I'll definitely run it even though I won't be setting any personal records. Yesterday's average pace was just above a 10 minute mile - I probably started off closer to a 9 minute pace and by the end was doing 11 min/mile. Again, I was super thirsty! Wonder if that's something to do with the thyroid thing? The groundwater is still frozen so none of the fountains work. I also noticed that I smell a really strong chemical odor after I sweat a lot. I guess this is because of the medication?
I was completely and totally wiped after that. My body just doesn't know how to recover like it used to with insufficient thyroid function. It wasn't a bad run overall. I felt great for the first 4 miles or so. The last few were really hard. By the end, everything felt like mush and I had to focus on swinging my arms to keep my legs moving! I was a bit surprised that I was able to complete the distance (even though I thought I was running a mile less!) because that brings my weekly total to 10 miles. And last week I only ran 9 total. Huh. I'm not going to argue, though! If I'm going to be able to run 10 miles on just a long run once a week and two 20 minute HIIT cross-training sessions in between, that will be just fine thank-you-very-much!! I was definitely feeling over-trained when I was running more weekly mileage a few weeks ago. It was too much. I hope there are cherry blossoms on race day!
My workouts went like this:
Sat - 7 mile run
Sun - Lift Legs
Mon - 20 min HIIT on the stepper, plus 10 min easy jog
Tues - Upper body weights
Wed - 20 min HIIT on the stepper, 10 min easy jog
Thurs - total body weights
Friday- REST!
Sat - 8 mile run
I really like this split but I'm debating switching things up this week since my legs are pretty sore... I think I might switch legs and upper body weights out. Thursday's workout was really fun - it went like this (all supersets, all 3x12):
Snatch (Wide)-grip deadlift - 55# bar
T push-up - bodyweight
Bulgarian Split squat with overhead press (12 on each leg, 24 shoulder presses!) - 8# db's
Assisted chin up - # 11 on the machine
Straight-leg deadlift with bent over row - 55# bar
Swiss ball crunch - bodyweight
My arms were trashed after that! I like doing the compound upper/lower supersets, they make you feel like you're really working hard!! I have to credit Alwyn Cosgrove with this workout!
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Delerious
Somehow I ran 6 miles yesterday. Frankly, it sucked. I was super motivated to go out and run - the sun was all shiny and the blue sky was all happy and I was all, yes, this is going to be awesome, finally I get to run outside! No. It was COLD. And windy. It was NOT 45 like the weather channel kept saying. As soon as I started off, I wanted to stop. My lips were numb from the cold. My ass hurt. My stomach was upset. I felt like I was going to hurl (??). I wanted to turn around, but I just kept thinking, just keep going cause the way back is mostly a downgrade and it will feel great and let's just see if you can do it, one more half mile, just one more. I kept trying to focus on all the things I'm thankful for... that I CAN run, that my legs both work, and that the sky is clean and blue and that the icky cancer-curing stuff is behind me, etc. Eventually the half miles added up to three and at the turn around point, I really did start to feel much better. I guess I found my stride, plus the wind was at my back and the downgrade on the trail made it easier!!
BUT... right around the halfway point, I became acutely, depressingly, DESPERATELY thirsty. All I could think about was how badly I wanted some water - just a sip - and how the more I thought about how I wanted water, the more I wanted water.
The creek bubbled along mockingly to my right and if it hadn't been for the random trash and debris floating here and there, I would totally have crashed down the ravine and stuck my face in it, it looked so cool and yummy. I even thought about pushing down some unsuspecting fellow jogger and stealing their water bottle! The fountains didn't work so I had to wait till I got to the ranger station and the running water in the restroom.
Let me tell you, I don't think water has ever tasted that good before. It was running out of a rusty tap in a stinky old bathroom and it could have been the cleanest glacier runoff, sealed away in ice from a time before air pollution, it was so good. I drank and drank and drank until my belly was full. Then, of course, I didn't want to run again, but alas, my base layer was soaked and I still had two miles to home and would have gotten hypothermia if I tried to walk, I think. Lucky thing, that. Forced me to run the rest of the way!! After I was done, all the endorphins flooded my brain and I began to forget the suckiness!
I finished in 1:23:16. That includes the time I spent on my water break and time at the intersections. Probably I ran it in about 1:10 or so... 11 minute miles. There's probably no way I will run the race in 1:40, if I run it at all... but who knows? I might do something magical on race day...
BUT... right around the halfway point, I became acutely, depressingly, DESPERATELY thirsty. All I could think about was how badly I wanted some water - just a sip - and how the more I thought about how I wanted water, the more I wanted water.
The creek bubbled along mockingly to my right and if it hadn't been for the random trash and debris floating here and there, I would totally have crashed down the ravine and stuck my face in it, it looked so cool and yummy. I even thought about pushing down some unsuspecting fellow jogger and stealing their water bottle! The fountains didn't work so I had to wait till I got to the ranger station and the running water in the restroom.
Let me tell you, I don't think water has ever tasted that good before. It was running out of a rusty tap in a stinky old bathroom and it could have been the cleanest glacier runoff, sealed away in ice from a time before air pollution, it was so good. I drank and drank and drank until my belly was full. Then, of course, I didn't want to run again, but alas, my base layer was soaked and I still had two miles to home and would have gotten hypothermia if I tried to walk, I think. Lucky thing, that. Forced me to run the rest of the way!! After I was done, all the endorphins flooded my brain and I began to forget the suckiness!
I finished in 1:23:16. That includes the time I spent on my water break and time at the intersections. Probably I ran it in about 1:10 or so... 11 minute miles. There's probably no way I will run the race in 1:40, if I run it at all... but who knows? I might do something magical on race day...
Sunday, February 18, 2007
I must be retarded....
... why in the world would I think that Arlington County or anyone would clear the bike/jogging paths?? Grrr..... They are COMPLETELY impassable. Invisible even, since there's a blanket of snow over everything that froze solid (like concrete) over the last few days of temps in the teens with negative wind chills.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Pictures & the return of the funk
Since I've done absolutely piss-all since yesterday at about 6:30 pm besides sleep and click the mouse button or the remote control (oh yes, and eat copious amounts of carbohydrate, must not forget to mention THAT), and therefore have nothing to talk about except self-pity, if we're getting technical, I thought I'd go ahead and post some pictures I've been meaning to share for a while now. Save the insights for a sunnier day. We're fresh out of insights over here.
This is Adam and me at the Smithsonian orchid exhibit. Don't I look orange? And my head looks abnormally small from that angle next to Adam's. Weird. We went to this exhibit last year and thought it was better then, but still enjoyed the live orchid varieties. Adam gave me a purple orchid for Vday which is at my office and which I must attempt to keep alive! (suggestions appreciated!)
More orchids. You can see some of the purple sort on the left there. It's amazing that they all look so different but are all orchids... (ahem, that was my deep insight for the day.)
And here's my new couch which I bought while I was so completely hypo that I couldn't remember what color I ordered (heh) and had delivered five days after the RAI. The couch I was radioactive on is at Cara and Matt's !! Don't worry, I covered it with a big blanket so it's not contaminated!
Speaking of RAI... these were taken with a cell phone so they are not that good, but this is me in the hospital, taken just before my RAI dose. Here I'm showing off my pink pajama pants with sledding dogs that were sacrificed to keep me warm while hypo and radioactive in the hospital. Sadly, they had to be abandoned along with all the other things I used. Behind me, you can barely make out the latex glove taped to the door handle... they taped latex gloves over all the handles and light switches. Also, you can't really see it, but the floor is covered with plastic -backed padding. As were all the other surfaces I would be using. Oh, and there's my cooler under the tv. Do NOT get RAI treatment without bringing your own provisions, as the staff avoids your room like the plague and the food isn't LID compatible anyway and you'll end up having to flush it down the loo (since they won't take any waste out of your room the entire time you are there).
Here's another one. This time I'm modeling the lovely sweatshirt donated by Adam which I was SO thankful for, as it was cold in the hospital. It met the same fate as the pink pants (wonder where they are now? Still imprisoned in the basement of Washington Hospital Center??) I wore it over my head, stuffed around my ears, that night as I tried to get some sleep with all the noises in the hallway. This YELLOW sweatshirt may very well be radioactive in its own right!! I changed hospital gowns each of the 4 times I showered, and underwear (I'd brought several old pairs), but wore the pants/sweatshirt the whole time. Clearly the chair is covered. To protect it from me.
And the moment you've all been waiting for... my hair. I think I look a bit strange and possessed in this picture!! Anyway, there you have it. It's not usually curly, I just happened to take the curling iron to it yesterday cause I didn't work out and had extra time.
I have two other depressing things to write about at the moment. The other night, when I woke up to take my thyroid hormone, for some reason it dawned on me that I will die if I do not take this pill. I cannot live on my own devices anymore. Not like I ever would just head out into the wilderness with nothing but my wits to keep me alive, but I could have before and now I can't. It's part of this helpless, dependent feeling that comes and goes lately. And also the feeling like the ceiling has flown away and I'm being sucked out into the endless blackness - completely untethered.
The other thing is my scar. It hurts a lot today. In fact, it seems like it hurts more when I don't eat well and exercise (isn't that strange?). I wonder why. It hurts in the morning often anyway, but more so when I'm being lazy and eating junk. Also, Adam gave me this gorgeous sting of pearls on Valentines day, which was so sweet and thoughtful because he was thinking maybe it would cover up the scar... but they hang just below the scar and kind of draw attention to it. :( Not that I'm to the point where I can wear necklaces yet... the scar is still too sensitive and gets irritated with just my T-shirt rubbing it, much less metal. On a positive note, the more I thought about it, the more I decided that I just don't care if neck jewelry draws attention to my scar! It's part of me now and damned if I'm going to let a scar get me down!
I'm struggling with motivation a lot the last couple weeks. With the tightening of the pants and the tiredness, and the whole cancer thing, I guess I just am in a funk. I'm thinking a lot about whether I want to go on training for this 10 mile race. It may be adding an element of stress that I don't need right now. I still have five weeks or so till the race, so I guess I don't have to decide now. Sigh. There, I said I was not going to write about the ick, but I did anyway!!
This is Adam and me at the Smithsonian orchid exhibit. Don't I look orange? And my head looks abnormally small from that angle next to Adam's. Weird. We went to this exhibit last year and thought it was better then, but still enjoyed the live orchid varieties. Adam gave me a purple orchid for Vday which is at my office and which I must attempt to keep alive! (suggestions appreciated!)
More orchids. You can see some of the purple sort on the left there. It's amazing that they all look so different but are all orchids... (ahem, that was my deep insight for the day.)
And here's my new couch which I bought while I was so completely hypo that I couldn't remember what color I ordered (heh) and had delivered five days after the RAI. The couch I was radioactive on is at Cara and Matt's !! Don't worry, I covered it with a big blanket so it's not contaminated!
Speaking of RAI... these were taken with a cell phone so they are not that good, but this is me in the hospital, taken just before my RAI dose. Here I'm showing off my pink pajama pants with sledding dogs that were sacrificed to keep me warm while hypo and radioactive in the hospital. Sadly, they had to be abandoned along with all the other things I used. Behind me, you can barely make out the latex glove taped to the door handle... they taped latex gloves over all the handles and light switches. Also, you can't really see it, but the floor is covered with plastic -backed padding. As were all the other surfaces I would be using. Oh, and there's my cooler under the tv. Do NOT get RAI treatment without bringing your own provisions, as the staff avoids your room like the plague and the food isn't LID compatible anyway and you'll end up having to flush it down the loo (since they won't take any waste out of your room the entire time you are there).
Here's another one. This time I'm modeling the lovely sweatshirt donated by Adam which I was SO thankful for, as it was cold in the hospital. It met the same fate as the pink pants (wonder where they are now? Still imprisoned in the basement of Washington Hospital Center??) I wore it over my head, stuffed around my ears, that night as I tried to get some sleep with all the noises in the hallway. This YELLOW sweatshirt may very well be radioactive in its own right!! I changed hospital gowns each of the 4 times I showered, and underwear (I'd brought several old pairs), but wore the pants/sweatshirt the whole time. Clearly the chair is covered. To protect it from me.
And the moment you've all been waiting for... my hair. I think I look a bit strange and possessed in this picture!! Anyway, there you have it. It's not usually curly, I just happened to take the curling iron to it yesterday cause I didn't work out and had extra time.
I have two other depressing things to write about at the moment. The other night, when I woke up to take my thyroid hormone, for some reason it dawned on me that I will die if I do not take this pill. I cannot live on my own devices anymore. Not like I ever would just head out into the wilderness with nothing but my wits to keep me alive, but I could have before and now I can't. It's part of this helpless, dependent feeling that comes and goes lately. And also the feeling like the ceiling has flown away and I'm being sucked out into the endless blackness - completely untethered.The other thing is my scar. It hurts a lot today. In fact, it seems like it hurts more when I don't eat well and exercise (isn't that strange?). I wonder why. It hurts in the morning often anyway, but more so when I'm being lazy and eating junk. Also, Adam gave me this gorgeous sting of pearls on Valentines day, which was so sweet and thoughtful because he was thinking maybe it would cover up the scar... but they hang just below the scar and kind of draw attention to it. :( Not that I'm to the point where I can wear necklaces yet... the scar is still too sensitive and gets irritated with just my T-shirt rubbing it, much less metal. On a positive note, the more I thought about it, the more I decided that I just don't care if neck jewelry draws attention to my scar! It's part of me now and damned if I'm going to let a scar get me down!
I'm struggling with motivation a lot the last couple weeks. With the tightening of the pants and the tiredness, and the whole cancer thing, I guess I just am in a funk. I'm thinking a lot about whether I want to go on training for this 10 mile race. It may be adding an element of stress that I don't need right now. I still have five weeks or so till the race, so I guess I don't have to decide now. Sigh. There, I said I was not going to write about the ick, but I did anyway!!
Monday, February 12, 2007
I knew it!!!
You Scoundrel! Chris, I knew it was you! You would have been my second guess except that you threw me off thinking you knew Jennifer. It was the vexing part that gave it away… that made me think it was you immediately. I should have gone with the initial gut feeling! I had no idea you were such an eloquent writer – thanks for your nice comments! I’m flattered that you like to check in here. Frankly, I didn’t think you cared one whit about my “thoughts and feelings” – I mean, you barely acknowledged my announcement that I had cancer. You’re such a weirdo!! You’re lurking for months on my blog and you can’t bother to send me an email or give me a ring to see how I’m doing?!! For the record, now that I know you are out there reading, there will be no funny business. No pranks, practical jokes, stealing of scrunchies, staplers in jello molds, etc. I mean it!!
For the benefit of those who don’t know Chris, he’s … well, how shall I describe him? We had a crush on each other in 8th grade, in Germany, although hardly anything ever came of it… probably because I was too shy or inapproachable because I remember he had several girlfriends. But we did used to sit in the back aisle of the library and hold hands for hours (yes, the library – we were/are unabashedly nerdy). Plus we kissed once, in 9th grade on his grandma’s couch in Alabama. That was my first kiss, although I think I lied and told him I’d been kissed before. We’ve remained friends from a distance ever since – keeping in touch sporadically and bumping into each other on occasion. He lives here in DC, but we pretty much never see each other. Maybe because it’s too weird maintaining a close friendship with a former romantic interest – maybe because we just run in different circles – who knows. Anyway, it’s a bit odd that Chris is now surfacing as a reader of my blog!!
In other news, my average heart rate is coming down! This morning I completed 4 miles on the Dread’ in 38:27 with an average HR of 155. That is exciting progress! Plus, I had a really fantastic 5 mile run on the trails on Saturday, in spite of the FRIGID temperatures. I woke up Saturday feeling really good – for the first time in months. I felt motivated and energetic, and I wanted to jump out of bed and get moving (ok, I’m stretching it a little here!). I waffled while staring at weather.com’s forecast for Arlington (27 degrees, feels like 14, winds gusting 15-20 mph) and watching the blue sunny skies out my window about whether I should attempt an outdoor run. I finally decided I needed to feel the wind on my face and bundled up to face the trails. The single digit windchills nearly ruined the experience for me. It was sooooo cold, I could feel the snot freezing on my upper lip and my eyeballs were aching (probably also near freezing). But all in all, it was the best run I’ve had since before the surgery. I really felt good. I was wiped out the rest of the day, though!! That’s the farthest I’ve run in a long time.
So for the most part things are looking up. I definitely feel better. Most of the freaky uncomfortable water retention has even subsided, although I must say that the pants are getting tighter, people. Inflation is gone, but the fatterness cannot be denied. Not sure what to attribute this to, as it’s seemed to come on in the last couple of weeks. Perhaps it is a result of still being a bit hypo… perhaps because I’ve not really been watching how much I’m eating since coming off the low-iodine diet… perhaps a combination. Whatever the cause, the uncoolness of this is beyond. I’m about to have to institute Operation Stop the Fattening, but I really don’t want to have to resort to any drastic measures. The scale is still on the blink, which is probably for the best, but a girl knows when her hips are spreading without stepping on a scale.
I need to go to Target and get a new scale and some new hair products, as I was informed at the salon yesterday that my Pantene that I’ve been using since high school pretty much is making a waxy buildup that will cause my hair to fall out. I’m not sure I believe this entirely, but it did worry me enough to inspire a change in hair care protocol pronto. Oh, and I got my hair cut – chopped off about 8 inches! It looks cute, I think, although Adam had a muted reaction… but I think he just wants my hair to be long forever, all wavy and flowing like a Victoria’s Secret model. It was time for a change! Maybe I’ll take pictures and post them. I have lots of pictures I should get around to posting one of these days soon!!
For the benefit of those who don’t know Chris, he’s … well, how shall I describe him? We had a crush on each other in 8th grade, in Germany, although hardly anything ever came of it… probably because I was too shy or inapproachable because I remember he had several girlfriends. But we did used to sit in the back aisle of the library and hold hands for hours (yes, the library – we were/are unabashedly nerdy). Plus we kissed once, in 9th grade on his grandma’s couch in Alabama. That was my first kiss, although I think I lied and told him I’d been kissed before. We’ve remained friends from a distance ever since – keeping in touch sporadically and bumping into each other on occasion. He lives here in DC, but we pretty much never see each other. Maybe because it’s too weird maintaining a close friendship with a former romantic interest – maybe because we just run in different circles – who knows. Anyway, it’s a bit odd that Chris is now surfacing as a reader of my blog!!
In other news, my average heart rate is coming down! This morning I completed 4 miles on the Dread’ in 38:27 with an average HR of 155. That is exciting progress! Plus, I had a really fantastic 5 mile run on the trails on Saturday, in spite of the FRIGID temperatures. I woke up Saturday feeling really good – for the first time in months. I felt motivated and energetic, and I wanted to jump out of bed and get moving (ok, I’m stretching it a little here!). I waffled while staring at weather.com’s forecast for Arlington (27 degrees, feels like 14, winds gusting 15-20 mph) and watching the blue sunny skies out my window about whether I should attempt an outdoor run. I finally decided I needed to feel the wind on my face and bundled up to face the trails. The single digit windchills nearly ruined the experience for me. It was sooooo cold, I could feel the snot freezing on my upper lip and my eyeballs were aching (probably also near freezing). But all in all, it was the best run I’ve had since before the surgery. I really felt good. I was wiped out the rest of the day, though!! That’s the farthest I’ve run in a long time.
So for the most part things are looking up. I definitely feel better. Most of the freaky uncomfortable water retention has even subsided, although I must say that the pants are getting tighter, people. Inflation is gone, but the fatterness cannot be denied. Not sure what to attribute this to, as it’s seemed to come on in the last couple of weeks. Perhaps it is a result of still being a bit hypo… perhaps because I’ve not really been watching how much I’m eating since coming off the low-iodine diet… perhaps a combination. Whatever the cause, the uncoolness of this is beyond. I’m about to have to institute Operation Stop the Fattening, but I really don’t want to have to resort to any drastic measures. The scale is still on the blink, which is probably for the best, but a girl knows when her hips are spreading without stepping on a scale.
I need to go to Target and get a new scale and some new hair products, as I was informed at the salon yesterday that my Pantene that I’ve been using since high school pretty much is making a waxy buildup that will cause my hair to fall out. I’m not sure I believe this entirely, but it did worry me enough to inspire a change in hair care protocol pronto. Oh, and I got my hair cut – chopped off about 8 inches! It looks cute, I think, although Adam had a muted reaction… but I think he just wants my hair to be long forever, all wavy and flowing like a Victoria’s Secret model. It was time for a change! Maybe I’ll take pictures and post them. I have lots of pictures I should get around to posting one of these days soon!!
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Riddle me this
Allright, Anonymous, I'll play. Even though it's quite possible that you are some creepy weirdo who is stalking me... I'll buy that you know all those disparate details about my life because you actually KNOW me, not because you are Pervy McPerv. I have to admit that I really thought you were John Eric too, since he's the only one of a tiny handful of people who know both Jennifer and Cara, and would use the words "wonderous" and "vex." But I suspect that you don't actually know Jennifer, even though you implied that you do. Perhaps you just know of her. I do like a good intrigue, especially if it keeps my mind off the fact that I feel like I swallowed both an innertube AND a beach ball... two beach balls.
Which, by the way, is really starting to worry me. The weight gain so far has been minimal - a few pounds - nothing that's had me too concerned. But this is my first week off the cytomel, which was probably keeping me going a bit better than the T4 alone. So is this the part where I balloon up 20 lbs like some of the people I read about??? Coincidentally, my scale has chosen this as the time to malfunction, and only stares blankly at me or says LO (which makes me think MOO - cause don't cows "lo" or something like that? I think I remember that from the Bible or somewhere).
I did run this morning, which I considered a major accomplishment, especially considering that I was held captive on the Dread' to the most irritating gaggle of females IN THE WORLD (possibly that is true). The two on my left were squealing and chattering nonstop, and repeatedly (ab)used the words "like" and "seriously." The woman to my right I suspect was responsible for the truly heinous egg-beaters farts that left me gasping for oxygen several times. And one of the two girls on the machines in front of me finished her workout and proceeded to STRETCH ON THE MACHINE while chatting to her friend for a full 13 minutes. Despite the fact that the next two treadmills were broken and there was a steady stream of people who would get on, poke at them for a few minutes and resign themselves dejectedly to the stationary bikes. GAH! The running itself was not too bad. I only wanted to collapse a couple of times (see above about the farting).
Anyway, back to Anonymous. I'm pretty sure I know who you are. At least I think I do (although I was wrong before twice already, but now I think I know). I have it narrowed down to three people, but you seem the most likely candidate. Instead of guessing outright and risking being wrong (again), I'll let the game go on if you'll answer three questions. They are all yes/no questions, and I think I will be able to guess your identity by your answers.
1. Are you married?
2. Have we kissed?
3. Have we seen eachother in the last two years?
Back to you then.
Which, by the way, is really starting to worry me. The weight gain so far has been minimal - a few pounds - nothing that's had me too concerned. But this is my first week off the cytomel, which was probably keeping me going a bit better than the T4 alone. So is this the part where I balloon up 20 lbs like some of the people I read about??? Coincidentally, my scale has chosen this as the time to malfunction, and only stares blankly at me or says LO (which makes me think MOO - cause don't cows "lo" or something like that? I think I remember that from the Bible or somewhere).
I did run this morning, which I considered a major accomplishment, especially considering that I was held captive on the Dread' to the most irritating gaggle of females IN THE WORLD (possibly that is true). The two on my left were squealing and chattering nonstop, and repeatedly (ab)used the words "like" and "seriously." The woman to my right I suspect was responsible for the truly heinous egg-beaters farts that left me gasping for oxygen several times. And one of the two girls on the machines in front of me finished her workout and proceeded to STRETCH ON THE MACHINE while chatting to her friend for a full 13 minutes. Despite the fact that the next two treadmills were broken and there was a steady stream of people who would get on, poke at them for a few minutes and resign themselves dejectedly to the stationary bikes. GAH! The running itself was not too bad. I only wanted to collapse a couple of times (see above about the farting).
Anyway, back to Anonymous. I'm pretty sure I know who you are. At least I think I do (although I was wrong before twice already, but now I think I know). I have it narrowed down to three people, but you seem the most likely candidate. Instead of guessing outright and risking being wrong (again), I'll let the game go on if you'll answer three questions. They are all yes/no questions, and I think I will be able to guess your identity by your answers.
1. Are you married?
2. Have we kissed?
3. Have we seen eachother in the last two years?
Back to you then.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Sick and Tired
What? I have a blog? Oh yeah, I guess I could log on and write something sometimes!
The truth is that I've been in a pissy mood all week -- and what is it they say? If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say nothin' at all. Of course, I reserve the right to be a complaining, uptight bitch anytime I want! It's my blog after all... but I somehow don't feel much like sitting down to type it out when all I have to say is bah.
First of all, I've been busier than a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest. And that's partly because I apparently must now sleep for 9+ hours per day and fart around for another hour (at least) in the morning to be functional. And I've just been tired. I'm tired all the time, it seems. Definitely still hypo. Not as bad as when I had NO medicine in me at all, that was really hell. For one thing, I don't have the energy for my workouts. And my muscles get more sore, it seems, and it takes them longer to recover than before.
[On a tangent here, I was thinking grim thoughts and realized that without taking any thyroid hormone, I was pretty much DYING. I mean, it probably would have taken months before I would go into a coma or anything, but I would die without thyroid hormone... eventually. Ok, moving on...]
I'm tired of being sick. And I'm sick of being tired. I'm just sick and tired!!! Aargh! It's so frustrating because I look pretty normal, and I just want it all to be behind me already.
On the workout front, not much has been happening. I worked out a whole two times last week. Pathetic. It's part of my undoing - I start to fall apart when I don't exercise. I've been running some. It's sub-optimal, to say the least. My heart is just working so hard and I'm not running that fast, which means it's difficult to carry on for very long. Mostly my runs consist of moments when I feel ok, just ok, and moments when I am FREAKING THE HECK OUT BECAUSE OH MY LORD HOW AM I EVER GOING TO BE READY TO RUN TEN MILES IN LESS THAN EIGHT WEEKS. Which does not help the heart rate, I can tell you. Plus, it is really stinking cold here, people. It's going to be in the low 20s for a high all week. And I absolutely abhor running outdoors in the dark in the morning in those frigid temperatures. I abhor it just slightly more than I abhor running on the Dreadmill, which means that I run on the Dreadmill. And there is no joy in that, people. No joy.
I can report that I ran yesterday and it did not go too poorly. It was sunny and 32 degrees. Perfect weather for a Saturday winter jog. And my heart rate stayed around 158, which was happy. Evidently I can keep it close to normal as long as I maintain 10-11 mph on a flat surface. I saw something curious on the trail that sent me into a brooding pensiveness. There was a woman walking along, outside on the trail, for exercise, while reading a book. A large hard-cover novel. Strange. That's not the first time I've seen that in this city. I'll never forget the first time I saw someone on their lunch break downtown, strolling along a busy city street reading a book. I've seen people clearly headed somewhere - with a determined stride - on a busy sidewalk reading the paper or a novel. But this is the first time I've seen someone on the trail doing it. I have to just say, can't this city just chill the heck out? For five minutes?! Heck.
Part of my depressive, ass-dragging, bitter mood is probably caused by the fact that I'm now starting to deal with some of the emotional/spiritual repercussions of a cancer diagnosis, and everything I've been through in the last few months. Sometimes it's completely overwhelming. I've said before that cancer is a thief, and it continues to prove itself such. The latest in the list of things it has thieved away from me is my identity. My sense of self and purpose and direction. All that went up in the wind on October 19, when I found out I had cancer, and it's still swirling around up above me. I haven't had much chance to think about it while I've been going through all the immediate life-saving stuff. But now that that's over, I'm left with all these holes and pieces of my self and my life and I just haven't quite figured out how it all fits together anymore. There are holes that never will be filled, and some broken things will never be fixed, and some pieces just don't seem to belong anymore. It's not like I sit here and wonder specifically, who am I in this world? It's far more subtle than that. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of my former life, waiting for something. What does all that mean to me now? I'm just not sure. My perspective is so changed and shifted, and I'm still so dizzy from it, that I can't see the path ahead, or if I'm still on the same path, or even in the same forest.
Why do I do any of the things I do each day? What matters to me? How do I want to spend my time, my precious time, each precious minute? How do I want my life to look? There are many many moments when I just want out. I want to get away from this city, this rat race, this void of politicians and self-important people, this never-ending stream of demands and developments. Sometimes it seems so ... absurd. I feel like I'm standing still, submersed in water even, while the world rushes around me, absurdly, uselessly, wastefully. I just want to get away from it. I want a more quiet place. A more beautiful place. A less paved place. I want more laughter and joy, more adventure. If I thought I could find a job even half as interesting as what I do now, I would split in a second - back to the west, to the mountains and the desert. Near my family.
Sometimes I just want to not have to BE so much anymore. Not have to be so smart, and have so much information, or the answer. Not have to be going here and there, not have to eat just so or be awake or be interested or interesting. Sometimes everything seems so tiresome.
And I feel like a stranger in my own skin. This scar, which I see every time I look in the mirror. Purply red still. Forever there now. It makes me want to throw up sometimes when I see it and I think about it. And it hurts, in the morning especially. Tender like a fresh burn. It wakes me up sometimes. It will be there on my wedding day- a little smile reminding me of where I've been. Yes, I think about that, and feel sad about it sometimes too. And this body, which does not want to work as well as it once did - I feel too young to be broken. I feel jealous in the gym when everyone is pushing through their workouts and I have to stop every five minutes so I don't pass out. I want my body back - I want to trade in this ever-softening, weak, sad body. And I think of all the things this body has to carry me through in the future and I feel scared for it. Pregnancy someday... how will I get through that?! Will it just be a challenge instead of a joy as I always imagined it would? And don't even get me started thinking about all the follow-up and possible recurrences and retreatments and all... I will become a nervous wreck!!
So... that's pretty much all I've got to say. Not a whole lot positive - there's a lot of stewing and churning inside of me. It's made me withdrawn and isolated. I'm usually extremely introverted anyway, but this is a solitary and silent struggle magnified greatly. You know it's bad when you can't even open up to the internet. And internet, I know you're always there for me! I think about you all the time. What is the internet doing right now, I think, does it miss me? Does it even notice I've not been around? Here's hoping I have better thoughts to add to the ether next time.
The truth is that I've been in a pissy mood all week -- and what is it they say? If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say nothin' at all. Of course, I reserve the right to be a complaining, uptight bitch anytime I want! It's my blog after all... but I somehow don't feel much like sitting down to type it out when all I have to say is bah.
First of all, I've been busier than a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest. And that's partly because I apparently must now sleep for 9+ hours per day and fart around for another hour (at least) in the morning to be functional. And I've just been tired. I'm tired all the time, it seems. Definitely still hypo. Not as bad as when I had NO medicine in me at all, that was really hell. For one thing, I don't have the energy for my workouts. And my muscles get more sore, it seems, and it takes them longer to recover than before.
[On a tangent here, I was thinking grim thoughts and realized that without taking any thyroid hormone, I was pretty much DYING. I mean, it probably would have taken months before I would go into a coma or anything, but I would die without thyroid hormone... eventually. Ok, moving on...]
I'm tired of being sick. And I'm sick of being tired. I'm just sick and tired!!! Aargh! It's so frustrating because I look pretty normal, and I just want it all to be behind me already.
On the workout front, not much has been happening. I worked out a whole two times last week. Pathetic. It's part of my undoing - I start to fall apart when I don't exercise. I've been running some. It's sub-optimal, to say the least. My heart is just working so hard and I'm not running that fast, which means it's difficult to carry on for very long. Mostly my runs consist of moments when I feel ok, just ok, and moments when I am FREAKING THE HECK OUT BECAUSE OH MY LORD HOW AM I EVER GOING TO BE READY TO RUN TEN MILES IN LESS THAN EIGHT WEEKS. Which does not help the heart rate, I can tell you. Plus, it is really stinking cold here, people. It's going to be in the low 20s for a high all week. And I absolutely abhor running outdoors in the dark in the morning in those frigid temperatures. I abhor it just slightly more than I abhor running on the Dreadmill, which means that I run on the Dreadmill. And there is no joy in that, people. No joy.
I can report that I ran yesterday and it did not go too poorly. It was sunny and 32 degrees. Perfect weather for a Saturday winter jog. And my heart rate stayed around 158, which was happy. Evidently I can keep it close to normal as long as I maintain 10-11 mph on a flat surface. I saw something curious on the trail that sent me into a brooding pensiveness. There was a woman walking along, outside on the trail, for exercise, while reading a book. A large hard-cover novel. Strange. That's not the first time I've seen that in this city. I'll never forget the first time I saw someone on their lunch break downtown, strolling along a busy city street reading a book. I've seen people clearly headed somewhere - with a determined stride - on a busy sidewalk reading the paper or a novel. But this is the first time I've seen someone on the trail doing it. I have to just say, can't this city just chill the heck out? For five minutes?! Heck.
Part of my depressive, ass-dragging, bitter mood is probably caused by the fact that I'm now starting to deal with some of the emotional/spiritual repercussions of a cancer diagnosis, and everything I've been through in the last few months. Sometimes it's completely overwhelming. I've said before that cancer is a thief, and it continues to prove itself such. The latest in the list of things it has thieved away from me is my identity. My sense of self and purpose and direction. All that went up in the wind on October 19, when I found out I had cancer, and it's still swirling around up above me. I haven't had much chance to think about it while I've been going through all the immediate life-saving stuff. But now that that's over, I'm left with all these holes and pieces of my self and my life and I just haven't quite figured out how it all fits together anymore. There are holes that never will be filled, and some broken things will never be fixed, and some pieces just don't seem to belong anymore. It's not like I sit here and wonder specifically, who am I in this world? It's far more subtle than that. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of my former life, waiting for something. What does all that mean to me now? I'm just not sure. My perspective is so changed and shifted, and I'm still so dizzy from it, that I can't see the path ahead, or if I'm still on the same path, or even in the same forest.
Why do I do any of the things I do each day? What matters to me? How do I want to spend my time, my precious time, each precious minute? How do I want my life to look? There are many many moments when I just want out. I want to get away from this city, this rat race, this void of politicians and self-important people, this never-ending stream of demands and developments. Sometimes it seems so ... absurd. I feel like I'm standing still, submersed in water even, while the world rushes around me, absurdly, uselessly, wastefully. I just want to get away from it. I want a more quiet place. A more beautiful place. A less paved place. I want more laughter and joy, more adventure. If I thought I could find a job even half as interesting as what I do now, I would split in a second - back to the west, to the mountains and the desert. Near my family.
Sometimes I just want to not have to BE so much anymore. Not have to be so smart, and have so much information, or the answer. Not have to be going here and there, not have to eat just so or be awake or be interested or interesting. Sometimes everything seems so tiresome.
And I feel like a stranger in my own skin. This scar, which I see every time I look in the mirror. Purply red still. Forever there now. It makes me want to throw up sometimes when I see it and I think about it. And it hurts, in the morning especially. Tender like a fresh burn. It wakes me up sometimes. It will be there on my wedding day- a little smile reminding me of where I've been. Yes, I think about that, and feel sad about it sometimes too. And this body, which does not want to work as well as it once did - I feel too young to be broken. I feel jealous in the gym when everyone is pushing through their workouts and I have to stop every five minutes so I don't pass out. I want my body back - I want to trade in this ever-softening, weak, sad body. And I think of all the things this body has to carry me through in the future and I feel scared for it. Pregnancy someday... how will I get through that?! Will it just be a challenge instead of a joy as I always imagined it would? And don't even get me started thinking about all the follow-up and possible recurrences and retreatments and all... I will become a nervous wreck!!
So... that's pretty much all I've got to say. Not a whole lot positive - there's a lot of stewing and churning inside of me. It's made me withdrawn and isolated. I'm usually extremely introverted anyway, but this is a solitary and silent struggle magnified greatly. You know it's bad when you can't even open up to the internet. And internet, I know you're always there for me! I think about you all the time. What is the internet doing right now, I think, does it miss me? Does it even notice I've not been around? Here's hoping I have better thoughts to add to the ether next time.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Do or do not; there is no try.
Exciting things are happening!! I made an appearance in the weight room yesterday! The Force was not with me. I think my muscles have run off with my taste buds and my saliva. They're all partying it up on the beach in Bermuda, drinking Mai Tai's, eating corn chips and looking sexy in a two piece.So yesterday was leg day!! Wow. The loss of muscle mass in my legs is shocking, really. The whole time I kept thinking, don't overdo it... Still, I could not resist the magnetic pull of the squat rack. Squats are one of my favorite exercises. (I know, I'm insane.) I did some warm-ups sets and then repped 100# six times (all the while thinking, this is probably overdoing it...). I definitely felt like I had more in the tank, but I figured it's better to leave it there than blow it all the first day. You rarely know if you've overdone it until the next day when you can't sit down on the toilet without holding on to something! I'm not too sore today, so I think I found the balance.
I've started thinking about the Cherry Blossom 10 miler I'm running on April 1. That gives me 10 weeks from now to train for it. Should be about right. I'm planning to vaguely follow Hal Higdon's novice training program for the 15K (the weekly mileage goals anyway), although I probably won't do 5 days of cardio - I'll do 3 or 4 depending on how I'm feeling.
Novice runners: Training for Your First 15-K
Monday Tuesday Wed Thursday Friday Sat Sunday
| Week | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | Sun |
| 1 | Stretch & | 2 m run | 30 min cross | 2 m run + strength | Rest | 2 m run | 30 min cross |
| 2 | Stretch & Strengthen | 3 m run | 30 min cross | 2 m run + strength | Rest | 3 m run | 30 min cross |
| 3 | Stretch & Strengthen | 3 m run | 35 min cross | 2 m run + strength | Rest | 4 m run | 30 min cross |
| 4 | Stretch & Strengthen | 2 m run | 35 min cross | 2 m run + strength | Rest | 2 m run | 40 min cross |
| 5 | Stretch & Strengthen | 4 m run | 40 min cross | 3 m run + strength | Rest | 5 m run | 40 min cross |
| 6 | Stretch & Strengthen | 4 m run | 40 min cross | 3 m run + strength | Rest | 6 m run | 50 min cross |
| 7 | Stretch & Strengthen | 3 m run | 45 min cross | 3 m run + strength | Rest | 4 m run | 50 min cross |
| 8 | Stretch & Strengthen | 5 m run | 45 min cross | 3 m run + strength | Rest | 7 m run | 60 min cross |
| 9 | Stretch & Strengthen | 5 m run | 45 min cross | 3 m run + strength | Rest | 8 m run | 60 min cross |
| 10 | Stretch & Strengthen | 3 m run | 30 min cross | 2 m run + strength | 2 m run or rest | Rest | The 15-K |
I'll also do 3 days of weight training, two with no cardio. I'll alternate between two splits, either: legs, back/chest/tris, shoulders/bi's/abs/cardio; or legs, back/bi's/abs, chest/tri's/shoulders (cardio on one of the days, depending how my legs are feeling). Obviously I won't be regaining any leg strength until after the race - well, maybe a little, but my legs tend to get overtrained really fast when I log a lot of weekly mileage (cause I'm stubborn and don't allow myself enough rest!), so my leg days will be moderate weights, higher reps - lots of supersets (no rest between exercises).
And I'll probably peak at 10 miles in week 8, I won't wait till race day before actually completing that distance. I'm also skipping week 1... All this depends on how I'm feeling, of course!! :)
So the plan for this week is:
Sun - shoulders/bi's/abs, 2 mi run
Mon - 3 mi run
Tues - legs
Wed - chest/back/tri's
Thurs - 30 min xtrain
Fri - rest/stretch
Sat - 3 mile run
I've thought about a time goal, and while I'd love to try for 1:30, I think 1:40 is probably more realistic given my circumstances. In reality, my goal should be just to complete the race! But that's a given. If I have to walk half of it, I'm going to complete it, there's not a doubt in my mind.
The taste/saliva thing is getting better gradually. My neck hurts where the radioactive iodine was taken up by the remaining thyroid tissue, and my scar hurts too, especially in the morning. Other than that, I keep feeling better every day (for now!).
I have to report that the first couple times out in public after the RAI were strange! I felt really disconnected and out of it. That experience was completely outside the spectrum of "Things That Happen To People" - it was NOT a normal human experience at all! I think my coping mechanisms were a wee bit overwhelmed! But it's like overdoing it in the weight room - you rarely know your coping skills are overwhelmed until after the fact! It's not until you get some distance and start to process what happened that you think, huh, I was totally not dealing at that moment!
I moved around a LOT growing up. My dad was a fighter pilot in the Air Force until last year, and we moved every year or two. I went to three different high schools. Sometimes people ask me, "how do you cope with that?" The answer is, you don't. At least not while it's happening. You just go through it, and it sucks and you grieve and you cry and then time goes by and you meet new people and you learn a new place and your life expands to make room for the new experiences and that's it. When bad stuff is happening, we don't cope - we just breathe and get through it. My mom always used to say to me, "This too shall pass." And inevitably, sometimes unbelievably, it always does.
If your everyday life seems poor, don't blame it, blame yourself. Tell yourself you are not enough a poet to call forth is riches. For the creative spirit, there is no poverty and no poor, indifferent place.
-Rainer Maria Rilke
-Rainer Maria Rilke
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Geared OUT! ... and some thoughts on acceptance
Mornings are hard enough without jet lag!! It's been rough dragging my behind out of bed. Those three hours make a world of difference. But once I got going this morning, I was super motivated for my run. I had all kinds of new gear to try out! I typically am a minimalist when I run - nothing but me and the trails and the rhythm of my heart and breathing. But I got a couple of toys for Christmas and I had to try them all today! I had my heart rate monitor, an iPod shuffle all loaded up, new technical running socks and a thermal shirt, and of course, my pepper spray! I felt serious. :)
The heart rate monitor has not endeared itself to me yet... The fault is mine -- I did only a basic skimming of the manual before I started off, and it kept beeping at me once I started running. I had to turn off the exercise mode, so it didn't record my time or HR. But I was watching the HR display, and it stayed between 160 and 175. High for me for a moderate run, but I felt good.
The shuffle is fun. It's so cute and tiny. It was nice to have a change and the music made the time go by faster. I won't use it all the time - especially when the trails are crowded, because you can't hear the bikers sneaking up on you. Some of them rudely blast by without any alert anyway, and it's doubly disarming when you don't hear them. There is one biker who sometimes - instead of calling, "Passing on your left," will yell at people who don't wear enough reflective gear (it's pretty dark at 6 am). Once he yelled at me, "Can't see you in RED!!!" when I forgot to wear my reflector vest. Sheesh! I've heard him yell similar things at others. Today he (I'm sure it was him, it had to be him!) yelled at me again, "Look at that sunrise!!" He's a chatty fellow. It would have startled me without headphones in... I almost had a heart attack, I think! The sky was pretty. Pink and orange and bright. I love seeing the sun rise in the mornings.
Thank God I can still run. Seriously, I am so thankful for that. I know I am fit and healthy, even though I complain about detraining. The reason it is so frustrating and bothersome is that I'm not choosing it - it's happening to me beyond my control. Like everyone, I can be hard on myself. Sometimes it's really a good thing - it makes me motivated, driven, and disciplined. It also has its negative and angsty moments. I do struggle to find balance in my life - it was a struggle even before cancer. And it is a different challenge now because finding balance and peace is also about accepting cancer and all its limitations. It's hard to stay positive when it's just happening to you.
At this point, I just want to say that I'm not trying to glorify my challenges and difficulties. I know people struggle with all kinds of things - there are way worse things that could be happening to me besides thyroid cancer. I know I am lucky, and believe me, just the experience of thyroid cancer has brought that home for me in a way nothing else could. Not a day goes by that I don't think about that - how lucky I am in so many aspects of my life and how thankful I am that I'm alive to struggle and hurt and be angsty and peaceful and joyful. But also, this is my experience. Lots of people say, oh it's the Good Cancer - it will all turn out fine in the end, etc. I know that's true, and people mean to be comforting when they say it, but in some way it belittles what I'm going through.
That being said, though, I have to reiterate that having cancer has made me realize how much grace I have in my life. Cancer can be a blessing in disguise. It has been for me. It has brought me closer to my family, brought my priorities into focus, and changed my perspective on life. And that whole bit about learning acceptance and self-love? Cancer is a special impetus for that. It becomes all that much more important and, in some ironic way, easier. Because (this is going to sound really cheesy) I realize that life is a gift, with all its warts and quirks, and every moment is precious, and I am thankful just to be here for it. So there - everyone needed a dose of Hallmark today, right?!
The heart rate monitor has not endeared itself to me yet... The fault is mine -- I did only a basic skimming of the manual before I started off, and it kept beeping at me once I started running. I had to turn off the exercise mode, so it didn't record my time or HR. But I was watching the HR display, and it stayed between 160 and 175. High for me for a moderate run, but I felt good.
The shuffle is fun. It's so cute and tiny. It was nice to have a change and the music made the time go by faster. I won't use it all the time - especially when the trails are crowded, because you can't hear the bikers sneaking up on you. Some of them rudely blast by without any alert anyway, and it's doubly disarming when you don't hear them. There is one biker who sometimes - instead of calling, "Passing on your left," will yell at people who don't wear enough reflective gear (it's pretty dark at 6 am). Once he yelled at me, "Can't see you in RED!!!" when I forgot to wear my reflector vest. Sheesh! I've heard him yell similar things at others. Today he (I'm sure it was him, it had to be him!) yelled at me again, "Look at that sunrise!!" He's a chatty fellow. It would have startled me without headphones in... I almost had a heart attack, I think! The sky was pretty. Pink and orange and bright. I love seeing the sun rise in the mornings.
Thank God I can still run. Seriously, I am so thankful for that. I know I am fit and healthy, even though I complain about detraining. The reason it is so frustrating and bothersome is that I'm not choosing it - it's happening to me beyond my control. Like everyone, I can be hard on myself. Sometimes it's really a good thing - it makes me motivated, driven, and disciplined. It also has its negative and angsty moments. I do struggle to find balance in my life - it was a struggle even before cancer. And it is a different challenge now because finding balance and peace is also about accepting cancer and all its limitations. It's hard to stay positive when it's just happening to you.
At this point, I just want to say that I'm not trying to glorify my challenges and difficulties. I know people struggle with all kinds of things - there are way worse things that could be happening to me besides thyroid cancer. I know I am lucky, and believe me, just the experience of thyroid cancer has brought that home for me in a way nothing else could. Not a day goes by that I don't think about that - how lucky I am in so many aspects of my life and how thankful I am that I'm alive to struggle and hurt and be angsty and peaceful and joyful. But also, this is my experience. Lots of people say, oh it's the Good Cancer - it will all turn out fine in the end, etc. I know that's true, and people mean to be comforting when they say it, but in some way it belittles what I'm going through.
That being said, though, I have to reiterate that having cancer has made me realize how much grace I have in my life. Cancer can be a blessing in disguise. It has been for me. It has brought me closer to my family, brought my priorities into focus, and changed my perspective on life. And that whole bit about learning acceptance and self-love? Cancer is a special impetus for that. It becomes all that much more important and, in some ironic way, easier. Because (this is going to sound really cheesy) I realize that life is a gift, with all its warts and quirks, and every moment is precious, and I am thankful just to be here for it. So there - everyone needed a dose of Hallmark today, right?!
Friday, December 22, 2006
I made it!! I made it!!
I'm just so proud of myself for conquering The Hill that I had to sit down and tell the internet that I Made It!! I really can't believe I ran up the huge hill by the Mormon Temple, but I did. I ran 4 whole hilly miles! Yippee. And my mom is such a champ, she ran it with me. :) Gmaps tells me that this is the elevation we ran -->And that's only the outward part!!
You can see Sunrise Mountain in the back. I think this temple is visible from space...
I'm off for a pedicure! Oh heavenly vacation. How I love thee...!
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