Pivotal

The Little Elf is 12 weeks old today!  The last of our family left on Wednesday and it's been back to the calm Seiler household I'm used to.  Avery was a real trooper meeting so many new people all at once.  The first day you could tell she was totally overwhelmed, but by the end of the week she was letting people hold her for more than 5 minutes.  She is changing so much recently.  Her face is filling out and she is getting chubbier.  She is also trying so hard to sit up!  When she sits in her bouncy seat, she tries to lean forward and will not rest her head back.  She is also starting to notice that her hands belong to her and she can sort of do stuff with them.  She still can't grab toys on her own, but she is getting so close.  She is finally becoming interested in toys and will stare at one intently if I hold it in front of her.  You can just feel all the neurons in her brain firing!

I am on the verge of quitting my job and I just cannot make myself send the final email that will seal the deal.  I am supposed to end my maternity leave on Monday so it has to be sometime this weekend.  I started talking to my boss in December about possibly returning to work on a part time basis.  I knew when I was pregnant that I would not want to be away from the baby for so long every day.  I've had a confusing back and forth with him over the last month in which he sort of told me no you can't work part time and then at the 11th hour told me ok you can come back part time for a few weeks.  But I think I have pretty much made up my mind to stop working altogether.  I know I don't want to work full time anymore and I know that part time work is only a stop-gap in this job, so I need to just cut my ties now and not drag out the inevitable conclusion.  I don't want to miss out on Avery's life.  And I can't stand the thought of some stranger caring for her.  Plus, she won't take a bottle.  Not even a little.  Sure, maybe she would eventually, after much crying and upset, but I don't really want to put her through that. 

I have many, many worries about stopping work.  Of course there is our financial situation.  Me no longer working means our income is reduced by nearly 50%.  That is a scary equation!  We are lucky that Adam's job provides enough for us to live on without me working, but still, giving up my salary means giving up significant savings and not having to worry about "having enough" ... ever.  Thinking about losing my salary and not working brings grim thoughts and what-ifs to my mind and I'll just say I guess that is the reason we have insurance and LIFE insurance, dear lord take these thoughts from my mind.

Probably my primary concern about stopping my job is that I will be bored and lonely not working.  What if I go crazy as a stay at home mama?  As much as I love Avery, bearing the burden of parenting her constantly, 24/7 is a big job and often a lonely endeavor.  The week my mom left me was HARD, y'all.  Avery is a much easier baby now, but ....  It is still hard for me to take her anywhere since she screams in her car seat and still needs such constant contact and attention.  Mom is still here but she is going to leave me soon/eventually and I will be alone.  Work is a convenient escape and break from constant parenting.

It's funny because if you know me in real life I am kind of a lone wolf.  I like being by myself and can be happy and entertained for hours or days without any company.  But since Avery's birth, I don't really like being alone.  It's like being shouldered with the sole responsibility of baby-care makes it overwhelming and sad!  I can't remember whose blog it was, but somewhere I read that it's like digging and carrying a huge precious stone out of a deep cave in the earth - it's the most beautiful, precious thing, but it's so hard to carry.

But I know in my heart it's the right thing for both me and for Avery.  I can work any time.  I may never work in my field again; I may find myself completely behind the "power curve" if I ever want to try.  But Avery's infancy and childhood will only happen once.  Her time line goes in just one direction.  As cliche as it is, I know that at the end of my life, I will not be thinking I'm so glad I kept working, but rather, I'm so glad I spent all that time with my Little Elf.

I will let you know when I get the guts to send the resignation email.