I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about baby names. Which ones I like (Madison, Victoria, Luke and Jonah) and which ones I like but don't like the obvious nickname - Addison/Addy, Samuel/Sam, Jonathan/Jon, Michael/Mike. I also spent at least 15 minutes signing my name "Michelle Seiler" in about 50 different ways. Traditional curly-que cursive S or written more like a normal capital S? And with the -eiler kind of messy and strung together... I then moved on to writing out baby names to see how they will sound with the last name Seiler. If all goes as planned we will be "Trying" by the end of this year.
Everything could change tomorrow. Adam is going to talk to the detailer and request orders to Germany. We both agree that when our babies come, I should stay at home to care for them. We can afford it. We will have to cut back spending, but we'll make it ok. Knowing I won't be worrying about a career at least temporarily means it's not important to stay here. So we appease my restless heart and go off on a new adventure. We are both excited for schnitzel and pommes, mayo on the side, Kristkindelmarkt, gluhwein, Oktoberfest, snowy villages and summer trips to Italy.
And if we can't get orders to Germany? Aside from the heartbreak, we don't know what we'll do. It doesn't seem like either of us really, REALLY wants to stay here another three years after this one. We both feel like we'll be sort of ... done before then. But where else to go? Adam raised the possibility of going back to DC and strange and crazy as it seems, I actually thought it sounded like a good idea. If I were in DC right now, I would have gotten up early this morning and bundled up to go jogging on the W&OD trail - maybe a light snow would fall and my breath would be an icy fog. I would peel off my clothes and my cheeks would be red as cherries and my fingers so cold the hot water would hurt. Then I'd pull on warm sweats and shuffle around with music on in the background, watching the snow fall, drinking warm tea, getting shocked by the static electricity. Maybe later I would go out and meet Erin and Megan for tea at Cosi. I try to remind myself of all the reasons I couldn't wait to leave there - the traffic, the ice, wind and cold, the rat race, the oppressive crush of people all racing to be... where? I can't explain why I am thinking maybe we could live there again. Maybe it would be different this time. No, I mean I know EVERYTHING would be different. But maybe it would be better?
Also tomorrow my things are getting delivered - my books and couch and bed and all the other stuff I've been accumulating over the years. We'll be up to our ears in it. And I'm sure I'll get sidetracked from packing when I open the box with the photo albums and journals - I can lose days reliving memories, unwrapping trinkets, reading old letters. Adam will unpack the kitchen stuff and put everything in the wrong place while I lose my mind in the past...!