Thursday, February 11, 2010

Welcome to my pity party. Hope you brought the whine. Har.

I'm feeling really cranky and discouraged right now, and I'm about to complain. Y'all, I failed the 1 hour glucose test! Can you believe that?! ME! The Queen of Nutrition?! Failed! Now I have to go back in for the 3 hour test omfGGGGGG. I am guessing it was a fluke and I do not have gestational diabetes and I will pass the 3 hour test. Especially since no one told me I was not supposed to eat for a few hours before the 1 hour test, and I ate right before I drove over to the appointment, probably about an hour before the test. Still, even if I pass the 3 hour test, it's just one more thing.

And I have to say, right now, I'm feeling like I'm just done. I don't want to do this anymore, any of it. I swear to god, I'm at the fucking doctor every time I turn around. I already have 4 appointments to go to every month, and at least one of those involves getting stuck with a needle for a blood draw. Sometimes I get an extra appointment added on for yet another blood draw. I'm already going every 4 weeks to the midwife, and the endocrinologist, and a growth scan ultrasound. And I have to go separately to the lab and get bloodwork done for my thyroid. It takes two weeks to get through all those appointments, and the next thing I know I'm back again two weeks later. I just spent about 2 hours at the lab last week doing the 1 hour glucose test. Now I've got to go back again for the 3 hour test. And I'm reading online that 70% of women who fail the 1 hour pass the 3 hour test. High false positive?! Yeah, just like every other screening I have done during this pregnancy.

What has any of the additional testing that I've been reluctantly talked into done for me or the baby? Nothing so far as I can see. Nothing but worry and wasted time. Hassle and stress. From the genetic screening to the ultrasounds, and now this glucose test, which is likely also a false positive... what benefit have I gotten? Man, I'm sort of kicking myself for not doing my usual annoying-to-everyone-around-me routine and become hyper-educated on my own about pregnancy and screening tests. Instead of trying to be nonchalant and not freak out about being pregnant, maybe I could have saved myself some trouble by educating myself and declining to have the tests done. The only reason I consented in the first place is because they get you with the whole, "it's for the BAYBEEE" thing. But what has my baby gotten out of any of it either? Good lord if the medical establishment today doesn't make you feel like a sick and dying person and omg something might go wrong with the baby if you don't do this test! Oh really. How in the world did our grandmothers and great-grandmothers ever manage to have babies? Are we doing any better now in our so-called modernity? Not from what I can tell.

I'm just feeling irritated and overwhelmed by the whole thing. And I'm ready to get off this ride. It's not enough that I go to work every day, find time to exercise, try to sleep and eat healthy, get ready for the birth, the baby. It's enough already! And now it's just one more thing, another test, another 4 hours of my life wasted. And if I fail that? A special diet, and possibly medication. I'm just done.

I feel like a lab rat. Like I'm being tormented for no good reason. And it's sad, but there have been several times already when I've seriously thought to myself, I love being pregnant, but I don't think I ever want to go through this again. I don't know if I want to have any more babies if it's going to be like this. It's just too much. Where's the joy? I feel joyful inside, and our families are joyful for us, but everywhere else it seems like all I get is negativity and difficulty. It's not just from the medical establishment either! If you've been pregnant before you know how people love to dish out the negativity when they see you're pregnant. I hardly ever hear about how magical and wonderful it is to have babies. It's all - Just wait till the baby is born and you never sleep again! Just wait until you can never do anything by yourself again! Just wait till they spend all your money and tell you they hate you and crash your car! And they predict all this misery with such glee. It's sickening, really.

It makes me wonder what in the world I'm doing with my life? See how the pregnancy hormones enhance the melodrama?! But seriously, why am I putting up with any of this crap? Why am I surrounding myself with people like this, and allowing myself to be subjected to the medical establishment? It's not like I don't have a choice. It may seem completely impossible to do something different, to seek out different prenatal care, to find a different community. But I do have a choice.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there. At the moment, I'm stuck dealing with the situation I'm in and trying to make the best of it. I'm sure this foul mood will blow over eventually and I'll get through whatever ends up happening. Right?


Lindsey Broere said...

YUCK! I had a couple of friends that failed the first glucose test and then passed the second with flying colors.

I'm sure you'll be fine...just stinks that you have to waste half a day getting poked and drinking that stuff that makes baby do flips! Poor baby...all that sugar can't be good for them!

The Wino said...

awww...michelly-poo. it's all going to be worth it the second you hold your sweet baby girl in your arms. you will forget all about the tests, the stress, the negative people and you will just feel love and happiness. it's kind of like waxing. as you are going through that pain you are like "i'm never doing THIS again!" but then a few weeks later you forget and are right back there letting someone rip hair from your body. ;)

Nina said...

Oh MAN -- I completely and heartily agree. It is a hard line -- wanting to know quite a bit yourself and not just be told things, but also wanting to let the medical peeps do their job. I have to say that I too was immensely frustrated with being at the doctor all the time and feeling like I was sick...rather than just pregnant. Humpf. This part of it wasn't all that fun for me either, but let me just tell you that having baby on the outside ROCKS!!!! There is snuggling and smelling sweet baby heads, love at first sight and first kisses, there is the content feeling of nursing your little one and knowing that you are doing everything that they need....getting to watch them explore the world and figure things out...we are talking SERIOUS fun here! And sure, there are a few things about it that are challenging...but suffice to say that I have yet to find anyone who hated being pregnant more than I did (long story) and even I sometimes (just sometimes though) entertain the thought of doing it again...the baby part is that good. (And I have a teenager too, so I can say that everything from 8-15 is pretty sweet as well- though she hasn't wrecked any of our cars yet.)

Anonymous said...

Babies are a pain in the ass. So is pregnancy. So are toddlers. Breastfeeding is horrible and wonderful. Would I do it again? After two? Considering it! But not until I get me prepartum bod back!

There is very little about pregnancy that doesn't suck. It's all right. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's fun. And forgoing prenatal crap means you are a 14 y/o ending up at the county hospital with a baby leg hanging out in a breech birth (can you tell I spent four years at a public hospital?)... I know it is tiring and horrible, but seriously, we are better off with than without all this prenatal testing. I've seen the without, and it SUCKS.

Please, please, please, keep complaining. Third trimester is a dose of real hurt. Your pelvis is falling apart, your bladder can't hold any pee, and that baby is always stretched in some uncomfortable way, and that huge thing is coming out SOON one way or another. It's all right if you don't feel magical and powerful and awesome right now. Really. I feel for you onehundred fold, and I'm with you all the way. Sometimes you just have to embrace the suckitude, though.


Barbara said...

Shell Belle-
We all went through the feeling of what is happening and why do I have to do this but soon it will be over and you will be holding your sweet, perfect baby in your arms and it will all be worth it. I said I was never having another baby and look what I would have missed out on--Ashley and Ryan. Just go into your appts with a positive attitude and a BIG smile on your face and know that things will be fine. You will miss the kicks, hiccups and switches that only you can feel so intensely--so enjoy!!

Kismet said...

This will show it is worth it all! :)