I'm feeling really cranky and discouraged right now, and I'm about to complain. Y'all, I failed the 1 hour glucose test! Can you believe that?! ME! The Queen of Nutrition?! Failed! Now I have to go back in for the 3 hour test omfGGGGGG. I am guessing it was a fluke and I do not have gestational diabetes and I will pass the 3 hour test. Especially since no one told me I was not supposed to eat for a few hours before the 1 hour test, and I ate right before I drove over to the appointment, probably about an hour before the test. Still, even if I pass the 3 hour test, it's just one more thing.
And I have to say, right now, I'm feeling like I'm just done. I don't want to do this anymore, any of it. I swear to god, I'm at the fucking doctor every time I turn around. I already have 4 appointments to go to every month, and at least one of those involves getting stuck with a needle for a blood draw. Sometimes I get an extra appointment added on for yet another blood draw. I'm already going every 4 weeks to the midwife, and the endocrinologist, and a growth scan ultrasound. And I have to go separately to the lab and get bloodwork done for my thyroid. It takes two weeks to get through all those appointments, and the next thing I know I'm back again two weeks later. I just spent about 2 hours at the lab last week doing the 1 hour glucose test. Now I've got to go back again for the 3 hour test. And I'm reading online that 70% of women who fail the 1 hour pass the 3 hour test. High false positive?! Yeah, just like every other screening I have done during this pregnancy.
What has any of the additional testing that I've been reluctantly talked into done for me or the baby? Nothing so far as I can see. Nothing but worry and wasted time. Hassle and stress. From the genetic screening to the ultrasounds, and now this glucose test, which is likely also a false positive... what benefit have I gotten? Man, I'm sort of kicking myself for not doing my usual annoying-to-everyone-around-me routine and become hyper-educated on my own about pregnancy and screening tests. Instead of trying to be nonchalant and not freak out about being pregnant, maybe I could have saved myself some trouble by educating myself and declining to have the tests done. The only reason I consented in the first place is because they get you with the whole, "it's for the BAYBEEE" thing. But what has my baby gotten out of any of it either? Good lord if the medical establishment today doesn't make you feel like a sick and dying person and omg something might go wrong with the baby if you don't do this test! Oh really. How in the world did our grandmothers and great-grandmothers ever manage to have babies? Are we doing any better now in our so-called modernity? Not from what I can tell.
I'm just feeling irritated and overwhelmed by the whole thing. And I'm ready to get off this ride. It's not enough that I go to work every day, find time to exercise, try to sleep and eat healthy, get ready for the birth, the baby. It's enough already! And now it's just one more thing, another test, another 4 hours of my life wasted. And if I fail that? A special diet, and possibly medication. I'm just done.
I feel like a lab rat. Like I'm being tormented for no good reason. And it's sad, but there have been several times already when I've seriously thought to myself, I love being pregnant, but I don't think I ever want to go through this again. I don't know if I want to have any more babies if it's going to be like this. It's just too much. Where's the joy? I feel joyful inside, and our families are joyful for us, but everywhere else it seems like all I get is negativity and difficulty. It's not just from the medical establishment either! If you've been pregnant before you know how people love to dish out the negativity when they see you're pregnant. I hardly ever hear about how magical and wonderful it is to have babies. It's all - Just wait till the baby is born and you never sleep again! Just wait until you can never do anything by yourself again! Just wait till they spend all your money and tell you they hate you and crash your car! And they predict all this misery with such glee. It's sickening, really.
It makes me wonder what in the world I'm doing with my life? See how the pregnancy hormones enhance the melodrama?! But seriously, why am I putting up with any of this crap? Why am I surrounding myself with people like this, and allowing myself to be subjected to the medical establishment? It's not like I don't have a choice. It may seem completely impossible to do something different, to seek out different prenatal care, to find a different community. But I do have a choice.
Anyway, that's neither here nor there. At the moment, I'm stuck dealing with the situation I'm in and trying to make the best of it. I'm sure this foul mood will blow over eventually and I'll get through whatever ends up happening. Right?