Sunday, February 25, 2007
Mother of Hell!!
Y'all are not going to believe this, but it's SNOWING again here. I just finished posting and got up to brush my teeth and get ready to hit the gym, and I can see some funny activity reflected in the bathroom mirror out the window... what is that? WTH? It's SNOW. And it's sticking already!!! Waaahh! I just had to let you know.
Delerious
Somehow I ran 6 miles yesterday. Frankly, it sucked. I was super motivated to go out and run - the sun was all shiny and the blue sky was all happy and I was all, yes, this is going to be awesome, finally I get to run outside! No. It was COLD. And windy. It was NOT 45 like the weather channel kept saying. As soon as I started off, I wanted to stop. My lips were numb from the cold. My ass hurt. My stomach was upset. I felt like I was going to hurl (??). I wanted to turn around, but I just kept thinking, just keep going cause the way back is mostly a downgrade and it will feel great and let's just see if you can do it, one more half mile, just one more. I kept trying to focus on all the things I'm thankful for... that I CAN run, that my legs both work, and that the sky is clean and blue and that the icky cancer-curing stuff is behind me, etc. Eventually the half miles added up to three and at the turn around point, I really did start to feel much better. I guess I found my stride, plus the wind was at my back and the downgrade on the trail made it easier!!
BUT... right around the halfway point, I became acutely, depressingly, DESPERATELY thirsty. All I could think about was how badly I wanted some water - just a sip - and how the more I thought about how I wanted water, the more I wanted water.
The creek bubbled along mockingly to my right and if it hadn't been for the random trash and debris floating here and there, I would totally have crashed down the ravine and stuck my face in it, it looked so cool and yummy. I even thought about pushing down some unsuspecting fellow jogger and stealing their water bottle! The fountains didn't work so I had to wait till I got to the ranger station and the running water in the restroom.
Let me tell you, I don't think water has ever tasted that good before. It was running out of a rusty tap in a stinky old bathroom and it could have been the cleanest glacier runoff, sealed away in ice from a time before air pollution, it was so good. I drank and drank and drank until my belly was full. Then, of course, I didn't want to run again, but alas, my base layer was soaked and I still had two miles to home and would have gotten hypothermia if I tried to walk, I think. Lucky thing, that. Forced me to run the rest of the way!! After I was done, all the endorphins flooded my brain and I began to forget the suckiness!
I finished in 1:23:16. That includes the time I spent on my water break and time at the intersections. Probably I ran it in about 1:10 or so... 11 minute miles. There's probably no way I will run the race in 1:40, if I run it at all... but who knows? I might do something magical on race day...
BUT... right around the halfway point, I became acutely, depressingly, DESPERATELY thirsty. All I could think about was how badly I wanted some water - just a sip - and how the more I thought about how I wanted water, the more I wanted water.
The creek bubbled along mockingly to my right and if it hadn't been for the random trash and debris floating here and there, I would totally have crashed down the ravine and stuck my face in it, it looked so cool and yummy. I even thought about pushing down some unsuspecting fellow jogger and stealing their water bottle! The fountains didn't work so I had to wait till I got to the ranger station and the running water in the restroom.
Let me tell you, I don't think water has ever tasted that good before. It was running out of a rusty tap in a stinky old bathroom and it could have been the cleanest glacier runoff, sealed away in ice from a time before air pollution, it was so good. I drank and drank and drank until my belly was full. Then, of course, I didn't want to run again, but alas, my base layer was soaked and I still had two miles to home and would have gotten hypothermia if I tried to walk, I think. Lucky thing, that. Forced me to run the rest of the way!! After I was done, all the endorphins flooded my brain and I began to forget the suckiness!
I finished in 1:23:16. That includes the time I spent on my water break and time at the intersections. Probably I ran it in about 1:10 or so... 11 minute miles. There's probably no way I will run the race in 1:40, if I run it at all... but who knows? I might do something magical on race day...
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Spring is on the way!
I'm not sure what happened to this post. I tried emailing it to blogger, but I guess it got lost in the cyberspace. Soooo ... this was from Tuesday.
There are still random melting chunks of ice everywhere, but it's in the 40's today -- halleleuja!! I cannot WAIT until spring is here. It's bittersweet because several weeks of lovely, brilliant weather are followed by brutish heat and humidity beyond what is humanly tolerable. Sadly, our nation's capital is built on humid lowlands unfit for human habitation. If you don't believe me, come here in August and walk in the stifling sauna for 15 minutes! I can't wait to run outside again. In the summer, even running before sunrise leaves you soaked from head to toe, but I don't care! Anything but the Dread'!!
After the end of the wallowing, plus sleeping 10 hrs a day for THREE days in a row (yay for sleep!) I had really fantastic workouts two days in a row. I had a fully destructive leg workout involving squats, deadlifts, split squats and step ups. Then, despite sore legs, I completed my first HIIT workout! I've tried to do some intervals recently, to no avail. They've always left me hunched over behind the machine in a dizzy stupor. I finally realized -- duh -- I didn't START doing intervals at full throttle, and I can't expect to jump right back in and kick it like I did before the surgery. So I did a modified interval workout on the step machine - BFL style, where instead of level 5, 6, 7, 8, I hit level 5, 6, 7, then 7 again, four times. Not bad! Next time I will throw a couple of 8s in there and gradually work my way back up. I then jogged for 10 minutes at 6 mph, focusing on my form.
In the weight room, I've been doing a different workout each time I've been in. Mostly they've been high rep total body workouts with upper/lower supersets (like pairing squats with assisted pull ups). This week I'm going to do a leg day, and upper body day and a total body day, plus 3 days of some kind of cardio (not necessarily running unless it's nice enough outside cause the Dread' is making me batty). Leg day is done. Here's my upper body workout:
These are all 4 sets of 10 reps each, supersets with full rest...
Dumbell incline bench press (30's)
Seated cable row (number 5 on the machine, not sure of the lbs)
Standing shoulder press (15's)
Wide grip lat pull down (number 6 on the machine, not sure of lbs)
Close grip barbell bench press (55#)
High shoulder pull (30#)
Swiss Ball crunches - bodyweight - 3x15
I'm thinking moderate cardio tomorrow - maybe a 3-4 mile jog, then lift again Thursday. Friday is rest day. Saturday I may attempt the 6 miles I had planned but did not complete this past weekend - IF the weather cooperates. I will not run 6 on the Dread'. We went and saw Bridge to Terabithia yesterday, which was pretty good. Then we met friends for Vietnamese food. For the record (I'm sure I will probably offend someone here), I detest Vietnamese food. Especially pho (gak). And the person sitting across from me, of course, ordered a gigantic bowl of (you guessed it) pho. I spent the meal gagging privately to myself as that unmistakable odor of dirty laundry water wafted across the table into my face. Ew.
On the orchid, Chris, where do you come up with this stuff?! Since when do you cultivate orchids?! :) You're funny. I have determined that I have a phalaenopsis that looks like this. It is planted in bark in a container that allows draining. My main concern is that it is at work under the bright neon lights - is this a bad idea? Too much light? It will probably stay cooler in my office than at home, especially in the summer, but I'm worried about it getting too much light. I read that they like cool shady spots.
There are still random melting chunks of ice everywhere, but it's in the 40's today -- halleleuja!! I cannot WAIT until spring is here. It's bittersweet because several weeks of lovely, brilliant weather are followed by brutish heat and humidity beyond what is humanly tolerable. Sadly, our nation's capital is built on humid lowlands unfit for human habitation. If you don't believe me, come here in August and walk in the stifling sauna for 15 minutes! I can't wait to run outside again. In the summer, even running before sunrise leaves you soaked from head to toe, but I don't care! Anything but the Dread'!!
After the end of the wallowing, plus sleeping 10 hrs a day for THREE days in a row (yay for sleep!) I had really fantastic workouts two days in a row. I had a fully destructive leg workout involving squats, deadlifts, split squats and step ups. Then, despite sore legs, I completed my first HIIT workout! I've tried to do some intervals recently, to no avail. They've always left me hunched over behind the machine in a dizzy stupor. I finally realized -- duh -- I didn't START doing intervals at full throttle, and I can't expect to jump right back in and kick it like I did before the surgery. So I did a modified interval workout on the step machine - BFL style, where instead of level 5, 6, 7, 8, I hit level 5, 6, 7, then 7 again, four times. Not bad! Next time I will throw a couple of 8s in there and gradually work my way back up. I then jogged for 10 minutes at 6 mph, focusing on my form.
In the weight room, I've been doing a different workout each time I've been in. Mostly they've been high rep total body workouts with upper/lower supersets (like pairing squats with assisted pull ups). This week I'm going to do a leg day, and upper body day and a total body day, plus 3 days of some kind of cardio (not necessarily running unless it's nice enough outside cause the Dread' is making me batty). Leg day is done. Here's my upper body workout:
These are all 4 sets of 10 reps each, supersets with full rest...
Dumbell incline bench press (30's)
Seated cable row (number 5 on the machine, not sure of the lbs)
Standing shoulder press (15's)
Wide grip lat pull down (number 6 on the machine, not sure of lbs)
Close grip barbell bench press (55#)
High shoulder pull (30#)
Swiss Ball crunches - bodyweight - 3x15
I'm thinking moderate cardio tomorrow - maybe a 3-4 mile jog, then lift again Thursday. Friday is rest day. Saturday I may attempt the 6 miles I had planned but did not complete this past weekend - IF the weather cooperates. I will not run 6 on the Dread'. We went and saw Bridge to Terabithia yesterday, which was pretty good. Then we met friends for Vietnamese food. For the record (I'm sure I will probably offend someone here), I detest Vietnamese food. Especially pho (gak). And the person sitting across from me, of course, ordered a gigantic bowl of (you guessed it) pho. I spent the meal gagging privately to myself as that unmistakable odor of dirty laundry water wafted across the table into my face. Ew.
On the orchid, Chris, where do you come up with this stuff?! Since when do you cultivate orchids?! :) You're funny. I have determined that I have a phalaenopsis that looks like this. It is planted in bark in a container that allows draining. My main concern is that it is at work under the bright neon lights - is this a bad idea? Too much light? It will probably stay cooler in my office than at home, especially in the summer, but I'm worried about it getting too much light. I read that they like cool shady spots.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
I must be retarded....
... why in the world would I think that Arlington County or anyone would clear the bike/jogging paths?? Grrr..... They are COMPLETELY impassable. Invisible even, since there's a blanket of snow over everything that froze solid (like concrete) over the last few days of temps in the teens with negative wind chills.
The Law of Attraction
I just realized as I was typing the title of this post how coincidental it is that I found this link last night as I was wallowing... Things have a way of coming around just when we need them most. I was skulling blogs and there were lots that happened to be talking about this book The Secret. I guess Larry King had a show on it, and people are talking about it. It's all about how we create our own universes, our lives, through our thoughts. This is not a new or unique idea - there are plenty of philosophies and self-help books that mention this concept, including the Bible. The idea that we are what we think has always been a frame for my life, although sometimes I need to be reminded of it. Anyway, you can watch the video in 11 chapters here.
All the world arises from our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.
-Buddha
With our thoughts we make the world.
-Buddha
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Pictures & the return of the funk
Since I've done absolutely piss-all since yesterday at about 6:30 pm besides sleep and click the mouse button or the remote control (oh yes, and eat copious amounts of carbohydrate, must not forget to mention THAT), and therefore have nothing to talk about except self-pity, if we're getting technical, I thought I'd go ahead and post some pictures I've been meaning to share for a while now. Save the insights for a sunnier day. We're fresh out of insights over here.
This is Adam and me at the Smithsonian orchid exhibit. Don't I look orange? And my head looks abnormally small from that angle next to Adam's. Weird. We went to this exhibit last year and thought it was better then, but still enjoyed the live orchid varieties. Adam gave me a purple orchid for Vday which is at my office and which I must attempt to keep alive! (suggestions appreciated!)
More orchids. You can see some of the purple sort on the left there. It's amazing that they all look so different but are all orchids... (ahem, that was my deep insight for the day.)
And here's my new couch which I bought while I was so completely hypo that I couldn't remember what color I ordered (heh) and had delivered five days after the RAI. The couch I was radioactive on is at Cara and Matt's !! Don't worry, I covered it with a big blanket so it's not contaminated!
Speaking of RAI... these were taken with a cell phone so they are not that good, but this is me in the hospital, taken just before my RAI dose. Here I'm showing off my pink pajama pants with sledding dogs that were sacrificed to keep me warm while hypo and radioactive in the hospital. Sadly, they had to be abandoned along with all the other things I used. Behind me, you can barely make out the latex glove taped to the door handle... they taped latex gloves over all the handles and light switches. Also, you can't really see it, but the floor is covered with plastic -backed padding. As were all the other surfaces I would be using. Oh, and there's my cooler under the tv. Do NOT get RAI treatment without bringing your own provisions, as the staff avoids your room like the plague and the food isn't LID compatible anyway and you'll end up having to flush it down the loo (since they won't take any waste out of your room the entire time you are there).
Here's another one. This time I'm modeling the lovely sweatshirt donated by Adam which I was SO thankful for, as it was cold in the hospital. It met the same fate as the pink pants (wonder where they are now? Still imprisoned in the basement of Washington Hospital Center??) I wore it over my head, stuffed around my ears, that night as I tried to get some sleep with all the noises in the hallway. This YELLOW sweatshirt may very well be radioactive in its own right!! I changed hospital gowns each of the 4 times I showered, and underwear (I'd brought several old pairs), but wore the pants/sweatshirt the whole time. Clearly the chair is covered. To protect it from me.
And the moment you've all been waiting for... my hair. I think I look a bit strange and possessed in this picture!! Anyway, there you have it. It's not usually curly, I just happened to take the curling iron to it yesterday cause I didn't work out and had extra time.
I have two other depressing things to write about at the moment. The other night, when I woke up to take my thyroid hormone, for some reason it dawned on me that I will die if I do not take this pill. I cannot live on my own devices anymore. Not like I ever would just head out into the wilderness with nothing but my wits to keep me alive, but I could have before and now I can't. It's part of this helpless, dependent feeling that comes and goes lately. And also the feeling like the ceiling has flown away and I'm being sucked out into the endless blackness - completely untethered.
The other thing is my scar. It hurts a lot today. In fact, it seems like it hurts more when I don't eat well and exercise (isn't that strange?). I wonder why. It hurts in the morning often anyway, but more so when I'm being lazy and eating junk. Also, Adam gave me this gorgeous sting of pearls on Valentines day, which was so sweet and thoughtful because he was thinking maybe it would cover up the scar... but they hang just below the scar and kind of draw attention to it. :( Not that I'm to the point where I can wear necklaces yet... the scar is still too sensitive and gets irritated with just my T-shirt rubbing it, much less metal. On a positive note, the more I thought about it, the more I decided that I just don't care if neck jewelry draws attention to my scar! It's part of me now and damned if I'm going to let a scar get me down!
I'm struggling with motivation a lot the last couple weeks. With the tightening of the pants and the tiredness, and the whole cancer thing, I guess I just am in a funk. I'm thinking a lot about whether I want to go on training for this 10 mile race. It may be adding an element of stress that I don't need right now. I still have five weeks or so till the race, so I guess I don't have to decide now. Sigh. There, I said I was not going to write about the ick, but I did anyway!!
This is Adam and me at the Smithsonian orchid exhibit. Don't I look orange? And my head looks abnormally small from that angle next to Adam's. Weird. We went to this exhibit last year and thought it was better then, but still enjoyed the live orchid varieties. Adam gave me a purple orchid for Vday which is at my office and which I must attempt to keep alive! (suggestions appreciated!)
More orchids. You can see some of the purple sort on the left there. It's amazing that they all look so different but are all orchids... (ahem, that was my deep insight for the day.)
And here's my new couch which I bought while I was so completely hypo that I couldn't remember what color I ordered (heh) and had delivered five days after the RAI. The couch I was radioactive on is at Cara and Matt's !! Don't worry, I covered it with a big blanket so it's not contaminated!
Speaking of RAI... these were taken with a cell phone so they are not that good, but this is me in the hospital, taken just before my RAI dose. Here I'm showing off my pink pajama pants with sledding dogs that were sacrificed to keep me warm while hypo and radioactive in the hospital. Sadly, they had to be abandoned along with all the other things I used. Behind me, you can barely make out the latex glove taped to the door handle... they taped latex gloves over all the handles and light switches. Also, you can't really see it, but the floor is covered with plastic -backed padding. As were all the other surfaces I would be using. Oh, and there's my cooler under the tv. Do NOT get RAI treatment without bringing your own provisions, as the staff avoids your room like the plague and the food isn't LID compatible anyway and you'll end up having to flush it down the loo (since they won't take any waste out of your room the entire time you are there).
Here's another one. This time I'm modeling the lovely sweatshirt donated by Adam which I was SO thankful for, as it was cold in the hospital. It met the same fate as the pink pants (wonder where they are now? Still imprisoned in the basement of Washington Hospital Center??) I wore it over my head, stuffed around my ears, that night as I tried to get some sleep with all the noises in the hallway. This YELLOW sweatshirt may very well be radioactive in its own right!! I changed hospital gowns each of the 4 times I showered, and underwear (I'd brought several old pairs), but wore the pants/sweatshirt the whole time. Clearly the chair is covered. To protect it from me.
And the moment you've all been waiting for... my hair. I think I look a bit strange and possessed in this picture!! Anyway, there you have it. It's not usually curly, I just happened to take the curling iron to it yesterday cause I didn't work out and had extra time.
I have two other depressing things to write about at the moment. The other night, when I woke up to take my thyroid hormone, for some reason it dawned on me that I will die if I do not take this pill. I cannot live on my own devices anymore. Not like I ever would just head out into the wilderness with nothing but my wits to keep me alive, but I could have before and now I can't. It's part of this helpless, dependent feeling that comes and goes lately. And also the feeling like the ceiling has flown away and I'm being sucked out into the endless blackness - completely untethered.The other thing is my scar. It hurts a lot today. In fact, it seems like it hurts more when I don't eat well and exercise (isn't that strange?). I wonder why. It hurts in the morning often anyway, but more so when I'm being lazy and eating junk. Also, Adam gave me this gorgeous sting of pearls on Valentines day, which was so sweet and thoughtful because he was thinking maybe it would cover up the scar... but they hang just below the scar and kind of draw attention to it. :( Not that I'm to the point where I can wear necklaces yet... the scar is still too sensitive and gets irritated with just my T-shirt rubbing it, much less metal. On a positive note, the more I thought about it, the more I decided that I just don't care if neck jewelry draws attention to my scar! It's part of me now and damned if I'm going to let a scar get me down!
I'm struggling with motivation a lot the last couple weeks. With the tightening of the pants and the tiredness, and the whole cancer thing, I guess I just am in a funk. I'm thinking a lot about whether I want to go on training for this 10 mile race. It may be adding an element of stress that I don't need right now. I still have five weeks or so till the race, so I guess I don't have to decide now. Sigh. There, I said I was not going to write about the ick, but I did anyway!!
Monday, February 12, 2007
I knew it!!!
You Scoundrel! Chris, I knew it was you! You would have been my second guess except that you threw me off thinking you knew Jennifer. It was the vexing part that gave it away… that made me think it was you immediately. I should have gone with the initial gut feeling! I had no idea you were such an eloquent writer – thanks for your nice comments! I’m flattered that you like to check in here. Frankly, I didn’t think you cared one whit about my “thoughts and feelings” – I mean, you barely acknowledged my announcement that I had cancer. You’re such a weirdo!! You’re lurking for months on my blog and you can’t bother to send me an email or give me a ring to see how I’m doing?!! For the record, now that I know you are out there reading, there will be no funny business. No pranks, practical jokes, stealing of scrunchies, staplers in jello molds, etc. I mean it!!
For the benefit of those who don’t know Chris, he’s … well, how shall I describe him? We had a crush on each other in 8th grade, in Germany, although hardly anything ever came of it… probably because I was too shy or inapproachable because I remember he had several girlfriends. But we did used to sit in the back aisle of the library and hold hands for hours (yes, the library – we were/are unabashedly nerdy). Plus we kissed once, in 9th grade on his grandma’s couch in Alabama. That was my first kiss, although I think I lied and told him I’d been kissed before. We’ve remained friends from a distance ever since – keeping in touch sporadically and bumping into each other on occasion. He lives here in DC, but we pretty much never see each other. Maybe because it’s too weird maintaining a close friendship with a former romantic interest – maybe because we just run in different circles – who knows. Anyway, it’s a bit odd that Chris is now surfacing as a reader of my blog!!
In other news, my average heart rate is coming down! This morning I completed 4 miles on the Dread’ in 38:27 with an average HR of 155. That is exciting progress! Plus, I had a really fantastic 5 mile run on the trails on Saturday, in spite of the FRIGID temperatures. I woke up Saturday feeling really good – for the first time in months. I felt motivated and energetic, and I wanted to jump out of bed and get moving (ok, I’m stretching it a little here!). I waffled while staring at weather.com’s forecast for Arlington (27 degrees, feels like 14, winds gusting 15-20 mph) and watching the blue sunny skies out my window about whether I should attempt an outdoor run. I finally decided I needed to feel the wind on my face and bundled up to face the trails. The single digit windchills nearly ruined the experience for me. It was sooooo cold, I could feel the snot freezing on my upper lip and my eyeballs were aching (probably also near freezing). But all in all, it was the best run I’ve had since before the surgery. I really felt good. I was wiped out the rest of the day, though!! That’s the farthest I’ve run in a long time.
So for the most part things are looking up. I definitely feel better. Most of the freaky uncomfortable water retention has even subsided, although I must say that the pants are getting tighter, people. Inflation is gone, but the fatterness cannot be denied. Not sure what to attribute this to, as it’s seemed to come on in the last couple of weeks. Perhaps it is a result of still being a bit hypo… perhaps because I’ve not really been watching how much I’m eating since coming off the low-iodine diet… perhaps a combination. Whatever the cause, the uncoolness of this is beyond. I’m about to have to institute Operation Stop the Fattening, but I really don’t want to have to resort to any drastic measures. The scale is still on the blink, which is probably for the best, but a girl knows when her hips are spreading without stepping on a scale.
I need to go to Target and get a new scale and some new hair products, as I was informed at the salon yesterday that my Pantene that I’ve been using since high school pretty much is making a waxy buildup that will cause my hair to fall out. I’m not sure I believe this entirely, but it did worry me enough to inspire a change in hair care protocol pronto. Oh, and I got my hair cut – chopped off about 8 inches! It looks cute, I think, although Adam had a muted reaction… but I think he just wants my hair to be long forever, all wavy and flowing like a Victoria’s Secret model. It was time for a change! Maybe I’ll take pictures and post them. I have lots of pictures I should get around to posting one of these days soon!!
For the benefit of those who don’t know Chris, he’s … well, how shall I describe him? We had a crush on each other in 8th grade, in Germany, although hardly anything ever came of it… probably because I was too shy or inapproachable because I remember he had several girlfriends. But we did used to sit in the back aisle of the library and hold hands for hours (yes, the library – we were/are unabashedly nerdy). Plus we kissed once, in 9th grade on his grandma’s couch in Alabama. That was my first kiss, although I think I lied and told him I’d been kissed before. We’ve remained friends from a distance ever since – keeping in touch sporadically and bumping into each other on occasion. He lives here in DC, but we pretty much never see each other. Maybe because it’s too weird maintaining a close friendship with a former romantic interest – maybe because we just run in different circles – who knows. Anyway, it’s a bit odd that Chris is now surfacing as a reader of my blog!!
In other news, my average heart rate is coming down! This morning I completed 4 miles on the Dread’ in 38:27 with an average HR of 155. That is exciting progress! Plus, I had a really fantastic 5 mile run on the trails on Saturday, in spite of the FRIGID temperatures. I woke up Saturday feeling really good – for the first time in months. I felt motivated and energetic, and I wanted to jump out of bed and get moving (ok, I’m stretching it a little here!). I waffled while staring at weather.com’s forecast for Arlington (27 degrees, feels like 14, winds gusting 15-20 mph) and watching the blue sunny skies out my window about whether I should attempt an outdoor run. I finally decided I needed to feel the wind on my face and bundled up to face the trails. The single digit windchills nearly ruined the experience for me. It was sooooo cold, I could feel the snot freezing on my upper lip and my eyeballs were aching (probably also near freezing). But all in all, it was the best run I’ve had since before the surgery. I really felt good. I was wiped out the rest of the day, though!! That’s the farthest I’ve run in a long time.
So for the most part things are looking up. I definitely feel better. Most of the freaky uncomfortable water retention has even subsided, although I must say that the pants are getting tighter, people. Inflation is gone, but the fatterness cannot be denied. Not sure what to attribute this to, as it’s seemed to come on in the last couple of weeks. Perhaps it is a result of still being a bit hypo… perhaps because I’ve not really been watching how much I’m eating since coming off the low-iodine diet… perhaps a combination. Whatever the cause, the uncoolness of this is beyond. I’m about to have to institute Operation Stop the Fattening, but I really don’t want to have to resort to any drastic measures. The scale is still on the blink, which is probably for the best, but a girl knows when her hips are spreading without stepping on a scale.
I need to go to Target and get a new scale and some new hair products, as I was informed at the salon yesterday that my Pantene that I’ve been using since high school pretty much is making a waxy buildup that will cause my hair to fall out. I’m not sure I believe this entirely, but it did worry me enough to inspire a change in hair care protocol pronto. Oh, and I got my hair cut – chopped off about 8 inches! It looks cute, I think, although Adam had a muted reaction… but I think he just wants my hair to be long forever, all wavy and flowing like a Victoria’s Secret model. It was time for a change! Maybe I’ll take pictures and post them. I have lots of pictures I should get around to posting one of these days soon!!
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Riddle me this
Allright, Anonymous, I'll play. Even though it's quite possible that you are some creepy weirdo who is stalking me... I'll buy that you know all those disparate details about my life because you actually KNOW me, not because you are Pervy McPerv. I have to admit that I really thought you were John Eric too, since he's the only one of a tiny handful of people who know both Jennifer and Cara, and would use the words "wonderous" and "vex." But I suspect that you don't actually know Jennifer, even though you implied that you do. Perhaps you just know of her. I do like a good intrigue, especially if it keeps my mind off the fact that I feel like I swallowed both an innertube AND a beach ball... two beach balls.
Which, by the way, is really starting to worry me. The weight gain so far has been minimal - a few pounds - nothing that's had me too concerned. But this is my first week off the cytomel, which was probably keeping me going a bit better than the T4 alone. So is this the part where I balloon up 20 lbs like some of the people I read about??? Coincidentally, my scale has chosen this as the time to malfunction, and only stares blankly at me or says LO (which makes me think MOO - cause don't cows "lo" or something like that? I think I remember that from the Bible or somewhere).
I did run this morning, which I considered a major accomplishment, especially considering that I was held captive on the Dread' to the most irritating gaggle of females IN THE WORLD (possibly that is true). The two on my left were squealing and chattering nonstop, and repeatedly (ab)used the words "like" and "seriously." The woman to my right I suspect was responsible for the truly heinous egg-beaters farts that left me gasping for oxygen several times. And one of the two girls on the machines in front of me finished her workout and proceeded to STRETCH ON THE MACHINE while chatting to her friend for a full 13 minutes. Despite the fact that the next two treadmills were broken and there was a steady stream of people who would get on, poke at them for a few minutes and resign themselves dejectedly to the stationary bikes. GAH! The running itself was not too bad. I only wanted to collapse a couple of times (see above about the farting).
Anyway, back to Anonymous. I'm pretty sure I know who you are. At least I think I do (although I was wrong before twice already, but now I think I know). I have it narrowed down to three people, but you seem the most likely candidate. Instead of guessing outright and risking being wrong (again), I'll let the game go on if you'll answer three questions. They are all yes/no questions, and I think I will be able to guess your identity by your answers.
1. Are you married?
2. Have we kissed?
3. Have we seen eachother in the last two years?
Back to you then.
Which, by the way, is really starting to worry me. The weight gain so far has been minimal - a few pounds - nothing that's had me too concerned. But this is my first week off the cytomel, which was probably keeping me going a bit better than the T4 alone. So is this the part where I balloon up 20 lbs like some of the people I read about??? Coincidentally, my scale has chosen this as the time to malfunction, and only stares blankly at me or says LO (which makes me think MOO - cause don't cows "lo" or something like that? I think I remember that from the Bible or somewhere).
I did run this morning, which I considered a major accomplishment, especially considering that I was held captive on the Dread' to the most irritating gaggle of females IN THE WORLD (possibly that is true). The two on my left were squealing and chattering nonstop, and repeatedly (ab)used the words "like" and "seriously." The woman to my right I suspect was responsible for the truly heinous egg-beaters farts that left me gasping for oxygen several times. And one of the two girls on the machines in front of me finished her workout and proceeded to STRETCH ON THE MACHINE while chatting to her friend for a full 13 minutes. Despite the fact that the next two treadmills were broken and there was a steady stream of people who would get on, poke at them for a few minutes and resign themselves dejectedly to the stationary bikes. GAH! The running itself was not too bad. I only wanted to collapse a couple of times (see above about the farting).
Anyway, back to Anonymous. I'm pretty sure I know who you are. At least I think I do (although I was wrong before twice already, but now I think I know). I have it narrowed down to three people, but you seem the most likely candidate. Instead of guessing outright and risking being wrong (again), I'll let the game go on if you'll answer three questions. They are all yes/no questions, and I think I will be able to guess your identity by your answers.
1. Are you married?
2. Have we kissed?
3. Have we seen eachother in the last two years?
Back to you then.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Jennifer?
I'm taking a wild guess here. Hoping you'll send me an email if I'm right! I just didn't think anyone else I know was actually reading here, so curious to know (despite what you wrote, you could be any of 10 or 15 people I can think of).
Dear Anonymous
Not to sound rude, but who are you??? I've been wondering for two days now! It would be cute and fun if you left some clue to your identity and I could be like, oh, that's so-and-so! But I've already asked the three people who actually know me who read here and all of them assured me they would never sign off with a slightly creepy "someone who has known you for a long time..." --- sooooo... who are you?! (You have to admit it is kinda creepy.) Send me an email.
Also, I must complain that I bundled up and went over to the gym this morning, feeling super-proud of myself for braving the very light dusting of snow we got, and it was CLOSED. Could Gold's BE any more USELESS?? For real, upstate New York got 2.5 feet, and they are out shoveling, etc. and DC gets 1 freakin' inch and suddenly all the schools are closed and everyone drives like a maniac and the GYM IS CLOSED. Grumble.
And while I'm grumbling, ever have one of those days where NONE of your clothes feel right? And you hate ALL of your closet and want to throw everything right in the trash can? Except for those fuzzy warm pants that are three sizes too big that you wear to sleep in... and your running shoes. But everything else is awful and makes you feel like a blimp or a pubescent nerd on the first day of 9th grade and it's not just that you have pimples -- you suspect that you ARE a pimple, at least you feel like one, and you wish that everyone would not look because they are certain to see that you're faking. That was yesterday. Today I just feel like a blimp... I haven't gone into the closet yet.
Also, I must complain that I bundled up and went over to the gym this morning, feeling super-proud of myself for braving the very light dusting of snow we got, and it was CLOSED. Could Gold's BE any more USELESS?? For real, upstate New York got 2.5 feet, and they are out shoveling, etc. and DC gets 1 freakin' inch and suddenly all the schools are closed and everyone drives like a maniac and the GYM IS CLOSED. Grumble.
And while I'm grumbling, ever have one of those days where NONE of your clothes feel right? And you hate ALL of your closet and want to throw everything right in the trash can? Except for those fuzzy warm pants that are three sizes too big that you wear to sleep in... and your running shoes. But everything else is awful and makes you feel like a blimp or a pubescent nerd on the first day of 9th grade and it's not just that you have pimples -- you suspect that you ARE a pimple, at least you feel like one, and you wish that everyone would not look because they are certain to see that you're faking. That was yesterday. Today I just feel like a blimp... I haven't gone into the closet yet.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Sick and Tired
What? I have a blog? Oh yeah, I guess I could log on and write something sometimes!
The truth is that I've been in a pissy mood all week -- and what is it they say? If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say nothin' at all. Of course, I reserve the right to be a complaining, uptight bitch anytime I want! It's my blog after all... but I somehow don't feel much like sitting down to type it out when all I have to say is bah.
First of all, I've been busier than a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest. And that's partly because I apparently must now sleep for 9+ hours per day and fart around for another hour (at least) in the morning to be functional. And I've just been tired. I'm tired all the time, it seems. Definitely still hypo. Not as bad as when I had NO medicine in me at all, that was really hell. For one thing, I don't have the energy for my workouts. And my muscles get more sore, it seems, and it takes them longer to recover than before.
[On a tangent here, I was thinking grim thoughts and realized that without taking any thyroid hormone, I was pretty much DYING. I mean, it probably would have taken months before I would go into a coma or anything, but I would die without thyroid hormone... eventually. Ok, moving on...]
I'm tired of being sick. And I'm sick of being tired. I'm just sick and tired!!! Aargh! It's so frustrating because I look pretty normal, and I just want it all to be behind me already.
On the workout front, not much has been happening. I worked out a whole two times last week. Pathetic. It's part of my undoing - I start to fall apart when I don't exercise. I've been running some. It's sub-optimal, to say the least. My heart is just working so hard and I'm not running that fast, which means it's difficult to carry on for very long. Mostly my runs consist of moments when I feel ok, just ok, and moments when I am FREAKING THE HECK OUT BECAUSE OH MY LORD HOW AM I EVER GOING TO BE READY TO RUN TEN MILES IN LESS THAN EIGHT WEEKS. Which does not help the heart rate, I can tell you. Plus, it is really stinking cold here, people. It's going to be in the low 20s for a high all week. And I absolutely abhor running outdoors in the dark in the morning in those frigid temperatures. I abhor it just slightly more than I abhor running on the Dreadmill, which means that I run on the Dreadmill. And there is no joy in that, people. No joy.
I can report that I ran yesterday and it did not go too poorly. It was sunny and 32 degrees. Perfect weather for a Saturday winter jog. And my heart rate stayed around 158, which was happy. Evidently I can keep it close to normal as long as I maintain 10-11 mph on a flat surface. I saw something curious on the trail that sent me into a brooding pensiveness. There was a woman walking along, outside on the trail, for exercise, while reading a book. A large hard-cover novel. Strange. That's not the first time I've seen that in this city. I'll never forget the first time I saw someone on their lunch break downtown, strolling along a busy city street reading a book. I've seen people clearly headed somewhere - with a determined stride - on a busy sidewalk reading the paper or a novel. But this is the first time I've seen someone on the trail doing it. I have to just say, can't this city just chill the heck out? For five minutes?! Heck.
Part of my depressive, ass-dragging, bitter mood is probably caused by the fact that I'm now starting to deal with some of the emotional/spiritual repercussions of a cancer diagnosis, and everything I've been through in the last few months. Sometimes it's completely overwhelming. I've said before that cancer is a thief, and it continues to prove itself such. The latest in the list of things it has thieved away from me is my identity. My sense of self and purpose and direction. All that went up in the wind on October 19, when I found out I had cancer, and it's still swirling around up above me. I haven't had much chance to think about it while I've been going through all the immediate life-saving stuff. But now that that's over, I'm left with all these holes and pieces of my self and my life and I just haven't quite figured out how it all fits together anymore. There are holes that never will be filled, and some broken things will never be fixed, and some pieces just don't seem to belong anymore. It's not like I sit here and wonder specifically, who am I in this world? It's far more subtle than that. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of my former life, waiting for something. What does all that mean to me now? I'm just not sure. My perspective is so changed and shifted, and I'm still so dizzy from it, that I can't see the path ahead, or if I'm still on the same path, or even in the same forest.
Why do I do any of the things I do each day? What matters to me? How do I want to spend my time, my precious time, each precious minute? How do I want my life to look? There are many many moments when I just want out. I want to get away from this city, this rat race, this void of politicians and self-important people, this never-ending stream of demands and developments. Sometimes it seems so ... absurd. I feel like I'm standing still, submersed in water even, while the world rushes around me, absurdly, uselessly, wastefully. I just want to get away from it. I want a more quiet place. A more beautiful place. A less paved place. I want more laughter and joy, more adventure. If I thought I could find a job even half as interesting as what I do now, I would split in a second - back to the west, to the mountains and the desert. Near my family.
Sometimes I just want to not have to BE so much anymore. Not have to be so smart, and have so much information, or the answer. Not have to be going here and there, not have to eat just so or be awake or be interested or interesting. Sometimes everything seems so tiresome.
And I feel like a stranger in my own skin. This scar, which I see every time I look in the mirror. Purply red still. Forever there now. It makes me want to throw up sometimes when I see it and I think about it. And it hurts, in the morning especially. Tender like a fresh burn. It wakes me up sometimes. It will be there on my wedding day- a little smile reminding me of where I've been. Yes, I think about that, and feel sad about it sometimes too. And this body, which does not want to work as well as it once did - I feel too young to be broken. I feel jealous in the gym when everyone is pushing through their workouts and I have to stop every five minutes so I don't pass out. I want my body back - I want to trade in this ever-softening, weak, sad body. And I think of all the things this body has to carry me through in the future and I feel scared for it. Pregnancy someday... how will I get through that?! Will it just be a challenge instead of a joy as I always imagined it would? And don't even get me started thinking about all the follow-up and possible recurrences and retreatments and all... I will become a nervous wreck!!
So... that's pretty much all I've got to say. Not a whole lot positive - there's a lot of stewing and churning inside of me. It's made me withdrawn and isolated. I'm usually extremely introverted anyway, but this is a solitary and silent struggle magnified greatly. You know it's bad when you can't even open up to the internet. And internet, I know you're always there for me! I think about you all the time. What is the internet doing right now, I think, does it miss me? Does it even notice I've not been around? Here's hoping I have better thoughts to add to the ether next time.
The truth is that I've been in a pissy mood all week -- and what is it they say? If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say nothin' at all. Of course, I reserve the right to be a complaining, uptight bitch anytime I want! It's my blog after all... but I somehow don't feel much like sitting down to type it out when all I have to say is bah.
First of all, I've been busier than a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest. And that's partly because I apparently must now sleep for 9+ hours per day and fart around for another hour (at least) in the morning to be functional. And I've just been tired. I'm tired all the time, it seems. Definitely still hypo. Not as bad as when I had NO medicine in me at all, that was really hell. For one thing, I don't have the energy for my workouts. And my muscles get more sore, it seems, and it takes them longer to recover than before.
[On a tangent here, I was thinking grim thoughts and realized that without taking any thyroid hormone, I was pretty much DYING. I mean, it probably would have taken months before I would go into a coma or anything, but I would die without thyroid hormone... eventually. Ok, moving on...]
I'm tired of being sick. And I'm sick of being tired. I'm just sick and tired!!! Aargh! It's so frustrating because I look pretty normal, and I just want it all to be behind me already.
On the workout front, not much has been happening. I worked out a whole two times last week. Pathetic. It's part of my undoing - I start to fall apart when I don't exercise. I've been running some. It's sub-optimal, to say the least. My heart is just working so hard and I'm not running that fast, which means it's difficult to carry on for very long. Mostly my runs consist of moments when I feel ok, just ok, and moments when I am FREAKING THE HECK OUT BECAUSE OH MY LORD HOW AM I EVER GOING TO BE READY TO RUN TEN MILES IN LESS THAN EIGHT WEEKS. Which does not help the heart rate, I can tell you. Plus, it is really stinking cold here, people. It's going to be in the low 20s for a high all week. And I absolutely abhor running outdoors in the dark in the morning in those frigid temperatures. I abhor it just slightly more than I abhor running on the Dreadmill, which means that I run on the Dreadmill. And there is no joy in that, people. No joy.
I can report that I ran yesterday and it did not go too poorly. It was sunny and 32 degrees. Perfect weather for a Saturday winter jog. And my heart rate stayed around 158, which was happy. Evidently I can keep it close to normal as long as I maintain 10-11 mph on a flat surface. I saw something curious on the trail that sent me into a brooding pensiveness. There was a woman walking along, outside on the trail, for exercise, while reading a book. A large hard-cover novel. Strange. That's not the first time I've seen that in this city. I'll never forget the first time I saw someone on their lunch break downtown, strolling along a busy city street reading a book. I've seen people clearly headed somewhere - with a determined stride - on a busy sidewalk reading the paper or a novel. But this is the first time I've seen someone on the trail doing it. I have to just say, can't this city just chill the heck out? For five minutes?! Heck.
Part of my depressive, ass-dragging, bitter mood is probably caused by the fact that I'm now starting to deal with some of the emotional/spiritual repercussions of a cancer diagnosis, and everything I've been through in the last few months. Sometimes it's completely overwhelming. I've said before that cancer is a thief, and it continues to prove itself such. The latest in the list of things it has thieved away from me is my identity. My sense of self and purpose and direction. All that went up in the wind on October 19, when I found out I had cancer, and it's still swirling around up above me. I haven't had much chance to think about it while I've been going through all the immediate life-saving stuff. But now that that's over, I'm left with all these holes and pieces of my self and my life and I just haven't quite figured out how it all fits together anymore. There are holes that never will be filled, and some broken things will never be fixed, and some pieces just don't seem to belong anymore. It's not like I sit here and wonder specifically, who am I in this world? It's far more subtle than that. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of my former life, waiting for something. What does all that mean to me now? I'm just not sure. My perspective is so changed and shifted, and I'm still so dizzy from it, that I can't see the path ahead, or if I'm still on the same path, or even in the same forest.
Why do I do any of the things I do each day? What matters to me? How do I want to spend my time, my precious time, each precious minute? How do I want my life to look? There are many many moments when I just want out. I want to get away from this city, this rat race, this void of politicians and self-important people, this never-ending stream of demands and developments. Sometimes it seems so ... absurd. I feel like I'm standing still, submersed in water even, while the world rushes around me, absurdly, uselessly, wastefully. I just want to get away from it. I want a more quiet place. A more beautiful place. A less paved place. I want more laughter and joy, more adventure. If I thought I could find a job even half as interesting as what I do now, I would split in a second - back to the west, to the mountains and the desert. Near my family.
Sometimes I just want to not have to BE so much anymore. Not have to be so smart, and have so much information, or the answer. Not have to be going here and there, not have to eat just so or be awake or be interested or interesting. Sometimes everything seems so tiresome.
And I feel like a stranger in my own skin. This scar, which I see every time I look in the mirror. Purply red still. Forever there now. It makes me want to throw up sometimes when I see it and I think about it. And it hurts, in the morning especially. Tender like a fresh burn. It wakes me up sometimes. It will be there on my wedding day- a little smile reminding me of where I've been. Yes, I think about that, and feel sad about it sometimes too. And this body, which does not want to work as well as it once did - I feel too young to be broken. I feel jealous in the gym when everyone is pushing through their workouts and I have to stop every five minutes so I don't pass out. I want my body back - I want to trade in this ever-softening, weak, sad body. And I think of all the things this body has to carry me through in the future and I feel scared for it. Pregnancy someday... how will I get through that?! Will it just be a challenge instead of a joy as I always imagined it would? And don't even get me started thinking about all the follow-up and possible recurrences and retreatments and all... I will become a nervous wreck!!
So... that's pretty much all I've got to say. Not a whole lot positive - there's a lot of stewing and churning inside of me. It's made me withdrawn and isolated. I'm usually extremely introverted anyway, but this is a solitary and silent struggle magnified greatly. You know it's bad when you can't even open up to the internet. And internet, I know you're always there for me! I think about you all the time. What is the internet doing right now, I think, does it miss me? Does it even notice I've not been around? Here's hoping I have better thoughts to add to the ether next time.
Monday, January 22, 2007
You know you’re an addict when….
…. All of the sidewalks between you and the gym are covered in sheets of ice and you head out anyway, knowing that although this means that you are, in fact, insane, you will have the weight room practically all to yourself. Never did I think there would be someone crazier than myself out at that hour of the morning when, lo and behold, I see this guy coming toward me jogging in the slushy mess in the gutter. In shorts. I could not make this stuff up.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Do or do not; there is no try.
Exciting things are happening!! I made an appearance in the weight room yesterday! The Force was not with me. I think my muscles have run off with my taste buds and my saliva. They're all partying it up on the beach in Bermuda, drinking Mai Tai's, eating corn chips and looking sexy in a two piece.So yesterday was leg day!! Wow. The loss of muscle mass in my legs is shocking, really. The whole time I kept thinking, don't overdo it... Still, I could not resist the magnetic pull of the squat rack. Squats are one of my favorite exercises. (I know, I'm insane.) I did some warm-ups sets and then repped 100# six times (all the while thinking, this is probably overdoing it...). I definitely felt like I had more in the tank, but I figured it's better to leave it there than blow it all the first day. You rarely know if you've overdone it until the next day when you can't sit down on the toilet without holding on to something! I'm not too sore today, so I think I found the balance.
I've started thinking about the Cherry Blossom 10 miler I'm running on April 1. That gives me 10 weeks from now to train for it. Should be about right. I'm planning to vaguely follow Hal Higdon's novice training program for the 15K (the weekly mileage goals anyway), although I probably won't do 5 days of cardio - I'll do 3 or 4 depending on how I'm feeling.
Novice runners: Training for Your First 15-K
Monday Tuesday Wed Thursday Friday Sat Sunday
| Week | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | Sun |
| 1 | Stretch & | 2 m run | 30 min cross | 2 m run + strength | Rest | 2 m run | 30 min cross |
| 2 | Stretch & Strengthen | 3 m run | 30 min cross | 2 m run + strength | Rest | 3 m run | 30 min cross |
| 3 | Stretch & Strengthen | 3 m run | 35 min cross | 2 m run + strength | Rest | 4 m run | 30 min cross |
| 4 | Stretch & Strengthen | 2 m run | 35 min cross | 2 m run + strength | Rest | 2 m run | 40 min cross |
| 5 | Stretch & Strengthen | 4 m run | 40 min cross | 3 m run + strength | Rest | 5 m run | 40 min cross |
| 6 | Stretch & Strengthen | 4 m run | 40 min cross | 3 m run + strength | Rest | 6 m run | 50 min cross |
| 7 | Stretch & Strengthen | 3 m run | 45 min cross | 3 m run + strength | Rest | 4 m run | 50 min cross |
| 8 | Stretch & Strengthen | 5 m run | 45 min cross | 3 m run + strength | Rest | 7 m run | 60 min cross |
| 9 | Stretch & Strengthen | 5 m run | 45 min cross | 3 m run + strength | Rest | 8 m run | 60 min cross |
| 10 | Stretch & Strengthen | 3 m run | 30 min cross | 2 m run + strength | 2 m run or rest | Rest | The 15-K |
I'll also do 3 days of weight training, two with no cardio. I'll alternate between two splits, either: legs, back/chest/tris, shoulders/bi's/abs/cardio; or legs, back/bi's/abs, chest/tri's/shoulders (cardio on one of the days, depending how my legs are feeling). Obviously I won't be regaining any leg strength until after the race - well, maybe a little, but my legs tend to get overtrained really fast when I log a lot of weekly mileage (cause I'm stubborn and don't allow myself enough rest!), so my leg days will be moderate weights, higher reps - lots of supersets (no rest between exercises).
And I'll probably peak at 10 miles in week 8, I won't wait till race day before actually completing that distance. I'm also skipping week 1... All this depends on how I'm feeling, of course!! :)
So the plan for this week is:
Sun - shoulders/bi's/abs, 2 mi run
Mon - 3 mi run
Tues - legs
Wed - chest/back/tri's
Thurs - 30 min xtrain
Fri - rest/stretch
Sat - 3 mile run
I've thought about a time goal, and while I'd love to try for 1:30, I think 1:40 is probably more realistic given my circumstances. In reality, my goal should be just to complete the race! But that's a given. If I have to walk half of it, I'm going to complete it, there's not a doubt in my mind.
The taste/saliva thing is getting better gradually. My neck hurts where the radioactive iodine was taken up by the remaining thyroid tissue, and my scar hurts too, especially in the morning. Other than that, I keep feeling better every day (for now!).
I have to report that the first couple times out in public after the RAI were strange! I felt really disconnected and out of it. That experience was completely outside the spectrum of "Things That Happen To People" - it was NOT a normal human experience at all! I think my coping mechanisms were a wee bit overwhelmed! But it's like overdoing it in the weight room - you rarely know your coping skills are overwhelmed until after the fact! It's not until you get some distance and start to process what happened that you think, huh, I was totally not dealing at that moment!
I moved around a LOT growing up. My dad was a fighter pilot in the Air Force until last year, and we moved every year or two. I went to three different high schools. Sometimes people ask me, "how do you cope with that?" The answer is, you don't. At least not while it's happening. You just go through it, and it sucks and you grieve and you cry and then time goes by and you meet new people and you learn a new place and your life expands to make room for the new experiences and that's it. When bad stuff is happening, we don't cope - we just breathe and get through it. My mom always used to say to me, "This too shall pass." And inevitably, sometimes unbelievably, it always does.
If your everyday life seems poor, don't blame it, blame yourself. Tell yourself you are not enough a poet to call forth is riches. For the creative spirit, there is no poverty and no poor, indifferent place.
-Rainer Maria Rilke
-Rainer Maria Rilke
Sunday, January 14, 2007
The Final Battle (In which our heroine receives her Superpowers and faces off with her arch-nemesis, the Mighty Cancer, one on one.)
Phew! Where have I been? Let's see... my primary activities over the last few days, in rough order, have been 1) sleeping, 2) watching tv and movies, 3) talking on the phone. Gasp! I've regressed to adolescence!!! Heh. Seriously, though, fighting battles to the death can really tire a girl out, you know.
Under normal circumstances, eating would have gotten its own 1/3, but alas, I cannot taste food (much or the same). It's awful, I know. Go ahead and take a moment to weep uncontrollably on my behalf - I'll wait. That's better, right? Not that it matters too terribly much, though, because my tummy has been upset anyway. It's "almost certainly" temporary - a side effect of the radioactive iodine. Better be! The RAI concentrates in the salivary glands and they get pretty fried, as does the digestive tract, I'd imagine. Although they told me, you won't have any problems! It's great! Like it's some little magic pill. Except that IT'S POISON! ahem. Minor detail.
Truly, in hospital, I felt pretty much nothing. I was bloated beyond belief and my face puffed up, and I was tired, but otherwise... nothing. I did feel a strange sense of having been poisoned though. Not sick, just a sense that my insides were, in fact, cooking. The whole experience was so surreal and strange. But I'm getting ahead of myself.....
I'll start with the scan.
Adam and I showed up at the hospital at 10:00 for the appointment and they took me right back. I brought my iPod shuffle, so I got situated on the machine and they told me I couldn't move for 35 minutes. This large flat panel camera came down about 1/2 inch from my nose and stayed there for 15 minutes or so, then inched sllloooowwwlllyy down the rest of my body. No big deal. When I got up I could see the picture on the computer, with a really bright spot in my throat. That made me a little nervous. Then off to a different machine that took a close up of my head, neck and chest - 20 minutes. My neck was starting to hurt from laying with a pillow under my shoulders, but otherwise the whole thing was nothing. This time, the computer showed three big blotches in my neck. I started to get more anxious about the results at that point. I had two more scans to go. They did a 20 minute pinhole view of my throat, and a 20 minute picture on the first machine with two of the flat-screen cameras literally squashing my arms/shoulders together to get the sides of my neck/head. That was it. At that point it was nearly 2:00 in the afternoon! Poor Adam...
The Results.
The doctor called us back to their little computer command center and put me on the phone with my endocrinologist. He broke the news to me that they wanted to go ahead and admit me for 100 mci dose of RAI. That's a small dose in thyroid cancer terms, but 3x as much as they were originally thinking. I was upset, but I tried to just let it roll off my back. I kind of began to suspect that when I saw the three blotches on the one picture.
Hey, the fun never stops in Cancerland! Always a new surprise waiting around the bend! And honestly, from the moment of my diagnosis up until I saw my endocrinologist two weeks post-surgery and found out he wanted to do an outpatient dose, I was planning for hospitalization anyway, so I guess it didn't come as too much of a shock. I wouldn't have felt like a full-fledged member of the Thyroid Cancer gang if I'd missed out on the isolation in hospital experience! (Behold my positive attitude! See how I talk myself into things!)
There were five areas of uptake in my neck and one, oddly, in my face. The doctor said that the chances of it being an actual metastasis in my bone was very, very unlikely. (Great.) He thought it was probably just - ahem - snot that took up the tracer dose. Back in my neck, there was one big, bright area and four little ones. Probably all left over NORMAL thyroid cells. BUT... with only a small dose of RAI, that big bright spot would probably absorb all of it and leave nothing for the four other spots or the one in my face, and they had to be sure and nuke those in case there was any cancer cells floating around in there. Even one little cancerous cell will eventually turn into a tumor. Fry 'em all, I say!
Ok, so let's get this party started. (What follows is really long!)
Getting ready for hospitalization.
Unlike some people, I had not been planning to go into the hospital, so we had to scramble around getting things together after we left the appointment. We had instructions for what to expect and I wanted to get things to bring in with me. It was all stuff I knew about already mostly, since I'd been preparing for it from the diagnosis. Adam and I were supposed to check in at 10:00 and after all the processing, etc., they would probably dose me at about 1:30. Adam could stay with me until that point, then I would need to be isolated - no visitors, no leaving the room.
Once I got to the room, I would need to change and put away everything I wanted to bring with me when I left. Anything I wore/used while in hospital had to be abandoned there because it would be contaminated. I asked about my glasses and they said those would be ok, we could just wipe them off before leaving. I also asked if I could have my cell phone in a ziploc, expecting him to say no, but he said that was ok too. I was to stay on the LID. I would need to drink plenty of fluids, and suck on candy every 30 minutes or so to make me salivate (since the RAI concentrates in the salivary glands, you want to keep it moving and not let the radioactivity just build up there). I was also supposed to take FOUR showers through the day/night!! I asked if I could bring old clothes to wear and a styrofoam cooler of food/drinks. That was fine too.
Here's what I brought with me:
1) Styrofoam cooler. I froze 6 bottles of water to keep the food cold, and packed chicken, lots of fruit (apples, apricots, blueberries, prunes), hard boiled eggs, a salad in a disposable tupperware, a bag of walnuts, and a bunch of cut up veggies (zucchini, yellow squash, baby carrots, tomatoes).
2) Water. I didn't want to worry about having to wait for someone to bring me water if I got thirsty. I brought 6 additional .5 ltr bottles of water in with me. They had stocked the room with about 8 large cups of ice water already too.
3) Old sweats. I found an old pair of warm pj pants, which were essential because they told me they didn't have any pants for me once I got there. I wore the hospital gowns over them, which was good because they gave me a big stack of them and I could change it every time I showered. I wore two at a time - one tying in back, one in front. I was really cold while hypo, and the temp had dropped too, so I was really glad I had pants! Adam donated an old sweatshirt from college that looked like it was already radioactive - it was BRIGHT Big Bird yellow! I also brought several old pairs of socks and underwear.
4) Sugar free candy. Jolly ranchers. The candy made me sick, probably partly because I'm sensitive to fake sugar, but also because I had to eat two an hour (yuuuuck). I also brought a ziploc baggie of baking soda for warm water rinses for the salivaries, but I didn't end up using it because my salivary glands didn't bother me at all in the hospital. Not till I got home. They got sore and swollen on Friday, and yesterday my mouth dried up and I lost my sense of taste. Today they are feeling much better, although the dry mouth/taste issue is persisting.
5) Travel size toiletries. Cheap toothbrush, toothpaste, Dove super moisturizing body wash, and super hydrating conditioner & shampoo. Also two travel size bottles of lotion. I knew my skin/hair was going to be done after 4 showers. I also had to wash my hands three times every time I used the toilet.
6) Magazines. I can't focus my attention longer than a commercial right now, so books are out of the question. Magazines are perfect and I brought in a pile.
7) Tylenol and Tylenol PM, even though they said they'd give me Tylenol if I needed it. Again, didn't want to wait on a nurse if I needed it!
Getting settled in at the hospital.
We got to the room and I changed and unpacked and we waited. Everything was covered in plastic or plastic backed padding - the floor, the bed, the pillows, the door handles, the light switches - everything. There was a huge stack of towels, washclothes, gowns, some toiletries, and the water waiting for me. I put my cell phone in the ziploc bag. The nurse came to check me in, then the nuclear safety tech came to explain everything to me and go over the precautions for after I left.
While I was in the hospital, the radiation was at its highest, so I had to flush three times, wash my hands three times, and take four showers. Once I left the hospital, I had to stay more than 3 feet away from people if we were going to spend more than an hour at a time together, for a few days. No sharing spit or any other bodily fluids for a week after - especially the saliva has particularly high levels of radiation. Avoid children and pregnant women. (No problem). Flush/wash twice for a few days. All body fluids - tissues, etc, in the loo NOT in the bin!
Getting my Superpowers!
The nuclear medicine doctor and his two techs, plus two nuclear safety techs came back about 1:30 and explained everything again. I signed on the line and everyone left while I gave Adam one last hug & kiss goodbye :( . The two nuclear med techs wheeled in this metal lock box. One of them pulled out a lead pill container and from that a glass vial, with tongs. He dumped the pill in a little paper cup and they literally bolted from the room before I had a chance to even swallow it!
A couple minutes later, the nuclear safety techs came back and walked in the room and right up to me. I asked if they weren't scared cause the other guys ran away! They said, "We know the real deal." Although they were getting some radiation exposure right next to me, as long as it was only for a minute or two, or if they were more than 3 feet away, the level wasn't dangerous. They measured me with a Geiger counter - 102.9 mci. I had to be at 14 to leave the hospital. They would come back at 8:30 the next morning to measure again and hopefully I could go home then.
Isolation
I had to wait 2 hours to eat or drink anything. I hadn't eaten since breakfast so I was pretty hungry and the waiting was hard! At 4, the nurse called and said I could eat and did I want my tray? I said I just wanted some utensils and some hot water for tea. She met me at the door to hand off what turned out to be a cup of spoons and a tiny dixie cup of hot water. Um... ok.
I refueled, popped a candy, and took my first shower. Read, watched tv, drank water. Ate candy. She called back at 5:30 wanting to know if I wanted my dinner tray. I wasn't even hungry anyway, but I planned on eating my own food so I said no.
The night nurse came back at 8:00 to try to give me the dinner tray I didn't really want, but she said "just try it" and there were some fresh strawberries so I took it. Let me tell you, it was a darn good thing I brought my own food because the only thing they brought me that I could have eaten on the LID (including at breakfast) was fruit. The other items were cottage cheese, milk and a little bowl of soup I have no idea how they prepared. The bad part is no food can leave the room after I take it, so I spent some time flushing cottage cheese and soup down the toilet. Then I ate the food I brought with me for dinner, more candy, and took my second shower.
By that point, I was starting to swell up and my face looked puffy. I didn't want to shower again! I got into bed and put a pillow over my head at 10:30 or so, and managed somehow to fall asleep for a couple hours. I had to pee at 12:30, which is a pain because of the whole flush/wash thing. I managed to fall asleep again somehow, but the nurse was back at 2:30 to wake me up to drink water, shower and eat more candy (barf!). Eating candy and showering in the middle of the night SUCKS.
The next morning...
I slept again till about 5:30, when I normally get up, and then just lay there wondering if I should wake up or what. Finally I decided surely they would bring me a coffee from the nurse's station, so I got up. They laughed in my face (well over the phone) - no coffee, breakfast not till 7:30. I got irritated because I found it very hard to believe there wasn't coffee cooking somewhere nearby for people who stay up ALL NIGHT.
At 6:30 I decided to eat my breakfast and as soon as I finished, the nurse came in the room. She just walked right in and grabbed my arm and started taking my blood pressure! I was shocked! I said, "you know I'm radioactive, right?" She just laughed and said, "Yeah, have you seen the outside of your door?! Your levels have dropped off a lot by now." I asked her for tea and she said she'd bring some. She didn't bring it till almost 8:00. I asked for breakfast/coffee at 7:30 and they didn't bring that to me till almost 9:00.
The whole coffee thing really had me fuming - I couldn't believe I didn't get fed and couldn't get a coffee until 9:00!!! In fact, it was the nuclear safety guy who finally brought me my tray after he measured my radioactivity!! If I hadn't had my own food and was just sitting there starving, I think I would have lost it - I was already over-emotional from hyponess and the whole isolation experience!
Free to go!
The nuclear safety tech had called at 7:30 and said to get a shower and they would be there in an hour. I showered AGAIN and ate some more candy (did I mention how barfy this was???) They were right on time - 8:30. Measured me with the Geiger counter - I was at 6.4. From 100 the day before. So it falls really fast out of your system. He told me I could leave and went over all the precautions with me again.
Adam called at 9:00 and I said, "please come get me NOW and bring me some DAMN COFFEE! Please." He was there by 9:30, coffee in hand - bless his heart - and went off to argue with the nurse. Of course there was some mix-up with my discharge paperwork (of course). My endocrinologist called and told me instructions AGAIN and said I could leave! Thank GOD!
I changed back into the clothes I arrived in, gathered my cell phone and we left. It was strange walking out of the hospital - all those unknowing people! I tried to stay as far away from anyone I passed as possible. I sat in the back seat on the opposite side of Adam and he drove me home. I've never been so happy to come home in my LIFE. I had prepared my apt - set aside the pillows and blankets from the couch that couldn't be washed in the machine, pulled up the bath mats and made a little sitting area on the opposite corner of the living room for Adam. He stayed with me about an hour and then went off to get himself ready to work the weekend day shift.
Home but not home free.
I started feeling poorly at that point. I was really tired, and my salivary glands started to hurt. I just took a nap, then lay on the couch until bedtime. Yesterday I felt pretty much the same, but my mouth went dry and I couldn't taste the same as before. I was getting worried and just wanted it all to be over with, but it felt like things were getting worse!!
This morning I started my thyroid hormone again, and I really feel better already. My salivary glands feel better already, and my tummy too.
I go back in on Tuesday for another whole body scan, then I won't have to worry about it again for a year!!
I am SOOO glad that is behind me now and I can concentrate on getting back to NORMAL!!
Under normal circumstances, eating would have gotten its own 1/3, but alas, I cannot taste food (much or the same). It's awful, I know. Go ahead and take a moment to weep uncontrollably on my behalf - I'll wait. That's better, right? Not that it matters too terribly much, though, because my tummy has been upset anyway. It's "almost certainly" temporary - a side effect of the radioactive iodine. Better be! The RAI concentrates in the salivary glands and they get pretty fried, as does the digestive tract, I'd imagine. Although they told me, you won't have any problems! It's great! Like it's some little magic pill. Except that IT'S POISON! ahem. Minor detail.
Truly, in hospital, I felt pretty much nothing. I was bloated beyond belief and my face puffed up, and I was tired, but otherwise... nothing. I did feel a strange sense of having been poisoned though. Not sick, just a sense that my insides were, in fact, cooking. The whole experience was so surreal and strange. But I'm getting ahead of myself.....
I'll start with the scan.
Adam and I showed up at the hospital at 10:00 for the appointment and they took me right back. I brought my iPod shuffle, so I got situated on the machine and they told me I couldn't move for 35 minutes. This large flat panel camera came down about 1/2 inch from my nose and stayed there for 15 minutes or so, then inched sllloooowwwlllyy down the rest of my body. No big deal. When I got up I could see the picture on the computer, with a really bright spot in my throat. That made me a little nervous. Then off to a different machine that took a close up of my head, neck and chest - 20 minutes. My neck was starting to hurt from laying with a pillow under my shoulders, but otherwise the whole thing was nothing. This time, the computer showed three big blotches in my neck. I started to get more anxious about the results at that point. I had two more scans to go. They did a 20 minute pinhole view of my throat, and a 20 minute picture on the first machine with two of the flat-screen cameras literally squashing my arms/shoulders together to get the sides of my neck/head. That was it. At that point it was nearly 2:00 in the afternoon! Poor Adam...
The Results.
The doctor called us back to their little computer command center and put me on the phone with my endocrinologist. He broke the news to me that they wanted to go ahead and admit me for 100 mci dose of RAI. That's a small dose in thyroid cancer terms, but 3x as much as they were originally thinking. I was upset, but I tried to just let it roll off my back. I kind of began to suspect that when I saw the three blotches on the one picture.
Hey, the fun never stops in Cancerland! Always a new surprise waiting around the bend! And honestly, from the moment of my diagnosis up until I saw my endocrinologist two weeks post-surgery and found out he wanted to do an outpatient dose, I was planning for hospitalization anyway, so I guess it didn't come as too much of a shock. I wouldn't have felt like a full-fledged member of the Thyroid Cancer gang if I'd missed out on the isolation in hospital experience! (Behold my positive attitude! See how I talk myself into things!)
There were five areas of uptake in my neck and one, oddly, in my face. The doctor said that the chances of it being an actual metastasis in my bone was very, very unlikely. (Great.) He thought it was probably just - ahem - snot that took up the tracer dose. Back in my neck, there was one big, bright area and four little ones. Probably all left over NORMAL thyroid cells. BUT... with only a small dose of RAI, that big bright spot would probably absorb all of it and leave nothing for the four other spots or the one in my face, and they had to be sure and nuke those in case there was any cancer cells floating around in there. Even one little cancerous cell will eventually turn into a tumor. Fry 'em all, I say!
Ok, so let's get this party started. (What follows is really long!)
Getting ready for hospitalization.
Unlike some people, I had not been planning to go into the hospital, so we had to scramble around getting things together after we left the appointment. We had instructions for what to expect and I wanted to get things to bring in with me. It was all stuff I knew about already mostly, since I'd been preparing for it from the diagnosis. Adam and I were supposed to check in at 10:00 and after all the processing, etc., they would probably dose me at about 1:30. Adam could stay with me until that point, then I would need to be isolated - no visitors, no leaving the room.
Once I got to the room, I would need to change and put away everything I wanted to bring with me when I left. Anything I wore/used while in hospital had to be abandoned there because it would be contaminated. I asked about my glasses and they said those would be ok, we could just wipe them off before leaving. I also asked if I could have my cell phone in a ziploc, expecting him to say no, but he said that was ok too. I was to stay on the LID. I would need to drink plenty of fluids, and suck on candy every 30 minutes or so to make me salivate (since the RAI concentrates in the salivary glands, you want to keep it moving and not let the radioactivity just build up there). I was also supposed to take FOUR showers through the day/night!! I asked if I could bring old clothes to wear and a styrofoam cooler of food/drinks. That was fine too.
Here's what I brought with me:
1) Styrofoam cooler. I froze 6 bottles of water to keep the food cold, and packed chicken, lots of fruit (apples, apricots, blueberries, prunes), hard boiled eggs, a salad in a disposable tupperware, a bag of walnuts, and a bunch of cut up veggies (zucchini, yellow squash, baby carrots, tomatoes).
2) Water. I didn't want to worry about having to wait for someone to bring me water if I got thirsty. I brought 6 additional .5 ltr bottles of water in with me. They had stocked the room with about 8 large cups of ice water already too.
3) Old sweats. I found an old pair of warm pj pants, which were essential because they told me they didn't have any pants for me once I got there. I wore the hospital gowns over them, which was good because they gave me a big stack of them and I could change it every time I showered. I wore two at a time - one tying in back, one in front. I was really cold while hypo, and the temp had dropped too, so I was really glad I had pants! Adam donated an old sweatshirt from college that looked like it was already radioactive - it was BRIGHT Big Bird yellow! I also brought several old pairs of socks and underwear.
4) Sugar free candy. Jolly ranchers. The candy made me sick, probably partly because I'm sensitive to fake sugar, but also because I had to eat two an hour (yuuuuck). I also brought a ziploc baggie of baking soda for warm water rinses for the salivaries, but I didn't end up using it because my salivary glands didn't bother me at all in the hospital. Not till I got home. They got sore and swollen on Friday, and yesterday my mouth dried up and I lost my sense of taste. Today they are feeling much better, although the dry mouth/taste issue is persisting.
5) Travel size toiletries. Cheap toothbrush, toothpaste, Dove super moisturizing body wash, and super hydrating conditioner & shampoo. Also two travel size bottles of lotion. I knew my skin/hair was going to be done after 4 showers. I also had to wash my hands three times every time I used the toilet.
6) Magazines. I can't focus my attention longer than a commercial right now, so books are out of the question. Magazines are perfect and I brought in a pile.
7) Tylenol and Tylenol PM, even though they said they'd give me Tylenol if I needed it. Again, didn't want to wait on a nurse if I needed it!
Getting settled in at the hospital.
We got to the room and I changed and unpacked and we waited. Everything was covered in plastic or plastic backed padding - the floor, the bed, the pillows, the door handles, the light switches - everything. There was a huge stack of towels, washclothes, gowns, some toiletries, and the water waiting for me. I put my cell phone in the ziploc bag. The nurse came to check me in, then the nuclear safety tech came to explain everything to me and go over the precautions for after I left.
While I was in the hospital, the radiation was at its highest, so I had to flush three times, wash my hands three times, and take four showers. Once I left the hospital, I had to stay more than 3 feet away from people if we were going to spend more than an hour at a time together, for a few days. No sharing spit or any other bodily fluids for a week after - especially the saliva has particularly high levels of radiation. Avoid children and pregnant women. (No problem). Flush/wash twice for a few days. All body fluids - tissues, etc, in the loo NOT in the bin!
Getting my Superpowers!
The nuclear medicine doctor and his two techs, plus two nuclear safety techs came back about 1:30 and explained everything again. I signed on the line and everyone left while I gave Adam one last hug & kiss goodbye :( . The two nuclear med techs wheeled in this metal lock box. One of them pulled out a lead pill container and from that a glass vial, with tongs. He dumped the pill in a little paper cup and they literally bolted from the room before I had a chance to even swallow it!
A couple minutes later, the nuclear safety techs came back and walked in the room and right up to me. I asked if they weren't scared cause the other guys ran away! They said, "We know the real deal." Although they were getting some radiation exposure right next to me, as long as it was only for a minute or two, or if they were more than 3 feet away, the level wasn't dangerous. They measured me with a Geiger counter - 102.9 mci. I had to be at 14 to leave the hospital. They would come back at 8:30 the next morning to measure again and hopefully I could go home then.
Isolation
I had to wait 2 hours to eat or drink anything. I hadn't eaten since breakfast so I was pretty hungry and the waiting was hard! At 4, the nurse called and said I could eat and did I want my tray? I said I just wanted some utensils and some hot water for tea. She met me at the door to hand off what turned out to be a cup of spoons and a tiny dixie cup of hot water. Um... ok.
I refueled, popped a candy, and took my first shower. Read, watched tv, drank water. Ate candy. She called back at 5:30 wanting to know if I wanted my dinner tray. I wasn't even hungry anyway, but I planned on eating my own food so I said no.
The night nurse came back at 8:00 to try to give me the dinner tray I didn't really want, but she said "just try it" and there were some fresh strawberries so I took it. Let me tell you, it was a darn good thing I brought my own food because the only thing they brought me that I could have eaten on the LID (including at breakfast) was fruit. The other items were cottage cheese, milk and a little bowl of soup I have no idea how they prepared. The bad part is no food can leave the room after I take it, so I spent some time flushing cottage cheese and soup down the toilet. Then I ate the food I brought with me for dinner, more candy, and took my second shower.
By that point, I was starting to swell up and my face looked puffy. I didn't want to shower again! I got into bed and put a pillow over my head at 10:30 or so, and managed somehow to fall asleep for a couple hours. I had to pee at 12:30, which is a pain because of the whole flush/wash thing. I managed to fall asleep again somehow, but the nurse was back at 2:30 to wake me up to drink water, shower and eat more candy (barf!). Eating candy and showering in the middle of the night SUCKS.
The next morning...
I slept again till about 5:30, when I normally get up, and then just lay there wondering if I should wake up or what. Finally I decided surely they would bring me a coffee from the nurse's station, so I got up. They laughed in my face (well over the phone) - no coffee, breakfast not till 7:30. I got irritated because I found it very hard to believe there wasn't coffee cooking somewhere nearby for people who stay up ALL NIGHT.
At 6:30 I decided to eat my breakfast and as soon as I finished, the nurse came in the room. She just walked right in and grabbed my arm and started taking my blood pressure! I was shocked! I said, "you know I'm radioactive, right?" She just laughed and said, "Yeah, have you seen the outside of your door?! Your levels have dropped off a lot by now." I asked her for tea and she said she'd bring some. She didn't bring it till almost 8:00. I asked for breakfast/coffee at 7:30 and they didn't bring that to me till almost 9:00.
The whole coffee thing really had me fuming - I couldn't believe I didn't get fed and couldn't get a coffee until 9:00!!! In fact, it was the nuclear safety guy who finally brought me my tray after he measured my radioactivity!! If I hadn't had my own food and was just sitting there starving, I think I would have lost it - I was already over-emotional from hyponess and the whole isolation experience!
Free to go!
The nuclear safety tech had called at 7:30 and said to get a shower and they would be there in an hour. I showered AGAIN and ate some more candy (did I mention how barfy this was???) They were right on time - 8:30. Measured me with the Geiger counter - I was at 6.4. From 100 the day before. So it falls really fast out of your system. He told me I could leave and went over all the precautions with me again.
Adam called at 9:00 and I said, "please come get me NOW and bring me some DAMN COFFEE! Please." He was there by 9:30, coffee in hand - bless his heart - and went off to argue with the nurse. Of course there was some mix-up with my discharge paperwork (of course). My endocrinologist called and told me instructions AGAIN and said I could leave! Thank GOD!
I changed back into the clothes I arrived in, gathered my cell phone and we left. It was strange walking out of the hospital - all those unknowing people! I tried to stay as far away from anyone I passed as possible. I sat in the back seat on the opposite side of Adam and he drove me home. I've never been so happy to come home in my LIFE. I had prepared my apt - set aside the pillows and blankets from the couch that couldn't be washed in the machine, pulled up the bath mats and made a little sitting area on the opposite corner of the living room for Adam. He stayed with me about an hour and then went off to get himself ready to work the weekend day shift.
Home but not home free.
I started feeling poorly at that point. I was really tired, and my salivary glands started to hurt. I just took a nap, then lay on the couch until bedtime. Yesterday I felt pretty much the same, but my mouth went dry and I couldn't taste the same as before. I was getting worried and just wanted it all to be over with, but it felt like things were getting worse!!
This morning I started my thyroid hormone again, and I really feel better already. My salivary glands feel better already, and my tummy too.
I go back in on Tuesday for another whole body scan, then I won't have to worry about it again for a year!!
I am SOOO glad that is behind me now and I can concentrate on getting back to NORMAL!!
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Scan Day
Well, I have made it to scan day and hopefully the final hours of being off my thyroid meds!! Wheee! Everything's on track to go get my scan and hear the good news! The last few days have been rough. The fog has gotten worse, as has the fatigue. My spirits are still up though - I haven't succumbed to depression or couch surfing as my primary activity - and it's still not as bad as I was imagining before I had to go through it, but it definitely sucks.
Yesterday Adam drove me to the hospital to get my tracer dose of radioactive iodine. The nurse brought it out in a lead pill container and handed me a little vial with a gunmetal colored pill in it. You can't handle it or your hand will be "hot"!! I swallowed it down and we left. There's no danger to others with that small amount, it's just enough to light up things on the scan.
We go back today at 10:15 to start the scan, which takes several hours. They do a whole body image and several images of my neck and chest. Then they will read the results with us and decide how much RAI to give me. I'm really hoping I don't have to be admitted to the hospital for a big dose!!
Hopefully I will get the outpatient dose this afternoon and Adam will drive me home! I'll sit in the backseat on the opposite side and try to contain myself. Hehe. :)
I did go in to work on Monday and I'm glad I did cause they needed me, but I only stayed for a few hours and didn't come back yesterday. I'm just not mentally there enough to be useful!! On the fitness front, I've aimed for 30 minutes of "activity" daily at the gym - light weight lifting, easy cardio, stretching. I wish I'd planned better for the yoga, it would have been a good thing to add to the days, but it just didn't happen.
I'm so glad this day is here!
Yesterday Adam drove me to the hospital to get my tracer dose of radioactive iodine. The nurse brought it out in a lead pill container and handed me a little vial with a gunmetal colored pill in it. You can't handle it or your hand will be "hot"!! I swallowed it down and we left. There's no danger to others with that small amount, it's just enough to light up things on the scan.
We go back today at 10:15 to start the scan, which takes several hours. They do a whole body image and several images of my neck and chest. Then they will read the results with us and decide how much RAI to give me. I'm really hoping I don't have to be admitted to the hospital for a big dose!!
Hopefully I will get the outpatient dose this afternoon and Adam will drive me home! I'll sit in the backseat on the opposite side and try to contain myself. Hehe. :)
I did go in to work on Monday and I'm glad I did cause they needed me, but I only stayed for a few hours and didn't come back yesterday. I'm just not mentally there enough to be useful!! On the fitness front, I've aimed for 30 minutes of "activity" daily at the gym - light weight lifting, easy cardio, stretching. I wish I'd planned better for the yoga, it would have been a good thing to add to the days, but it just didn't happen.
I'm so glad this day is here!
Monday, January 08, 2007
Think I'm ready to stop being hypo???
Last night I dreamed I was taking my thyroid homone pills!!! I was just gobbling them up one after the next! Then suddenly I realized I was supposed to be off them for the scan on Wednesday, and I'd have to be hypo again for two more weeks!! LOL! Truly, this is disturbing, but oh so funny! :)
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Fitness Conditioning
My boyfriend Adam is a Navy officer. Naval officers, like all other military officers, have to undergo periodic fitness tests to see that they are maintaining physical abilities. It's pretty simple, akin to what they made us do in junior high - run 1.5 miles for time, do as many sit ups as you can in 2 minutes, and do as many push ups as you can in 2 minutes. There are also bodyfat/weight measurements and requirements. There are minimum scores to reach or you fail your fitness test. Some people try to "max out" the fitness test by getting the highest possible score. For females age 20-29, max scores are: 105 sit ups, 48 push ups, and run 1.5 mi in 9:47.
Incidentally, that is why I was training to do 50 push ups in a row and 105 sit ups before my surgery!! I just wanted to see if I could theoretically max out the fitness test. I had gotten up to 50+ push ups and hadn't worked too much on the sit ups. I was about to start training for pull ups - I wanted to do at least 10 in a row from a dead hang (and going all the way back down in between). I could do 6. Now I can do one (or last Wednesday I did one... well, I did three, but one at a time!!)
If you fail the Navy fitness test - (for men that means fewer than 46 sit ups, 37 push ups and slower than 13:30 on the run; females it's fewer than 46 sit ups, 16 push ups and slower than 15:30 run) - you have to go to training sessions until you can pass. (Standards are here.)
This week, Adam will be leading one of these training sessions!! He always max-es out the test and his commander "volun-told" him to be a fitness coordinator for the fitness test. He says it's more a burden they stuck a junior officer with than an honor, but they wouldn't have given it to someone not in great shape, I told him!!
I was helping him come up with some functional training ideas to help with sit ups and push ups. Core strength is really important for both, so I recommended bodyweight squat variations like one-legged squats (no equipment will be available), the plank and variations, and burpees. As for any exercise, at the end of the day, you get good at the exercises you train for, so that just means doing a ton of push ups and sit ups!!! By the way, Alwyn Cosgrove has a great article on the Top 10 Tips for Athletic Conditioning.
Wish I could join in the fun, but I'll be radioactive!!
Incidentally, that is why I was training to do 50 push ups in a row and 105 sit ups before my surgery!! I just wanted to see if I could theoretically max out the fitness test. I had gotten up to 50+ push ups and hadn't worked too much on the sit ups. I was about to start training for pull ups - I wanted to do at least 10 in a row from a dead hang (and going all the way back down in between). I could do 6. Now I can do one (or last Wednesday I did one... well, I did three, but one at a time!!)
If you fail the Navy fitness test - (for men that means fewer than 46 sit ups, 37 push ups and slower than 13:30 on the run; females it's fewer than 46 sit ups, 16 push ups and slower than 15:30 run) - you have to go to training sessions until you can pass. (Standards are here.)
This week, Adam will be leading one of these training sessions!! He always max-es out the test and his commander "volun-told" him to be a fitness coordinator for the fitness test. He says it's more a burden they stuck a junior officer with than an honor, but they wouldn't have given it to someone not in great shape, I told him!!
I was helping him come up with some functional training ideas to help with sit ups and push ups. Core strength is really important for both, so I recommended bodyweight squat variations like one-legged squats (no equipment will be available), the plank and variations, and burpees. As for any exercise, at the end of the day, you get good at the exercises you train for, so that just means doing a ton of push ups and sit ups!!! By the way, Alwyn Cosgrove has a great article on the Top 10 Tips for Athletic Conditioning.
Wish I could join in the fun, but I'll be radioactive!!
Common Hypothyroid Symptoms
So far this hypothyroid experience has not been as bad as I expected. These are some common hypothyroid symptoms and I highlighted the ones that I've experienced so far, a week off my meds - although the symptoms weren't sudden, or all at once.
Early symptoms:
- Weakness
- Fatigue
- Cold intolerance
- Constipation
- Weight gain (unintentional)
- Depression
- Joint or muscle pain
- Thin, brittle fingernails
- Thin and brittle hair
- Paleness
Late symptoms:
- Slow speech
- Dry flaky skin
- Thickening of the skin
- Puffy face, hands and feet
- Decreased taste and smell
- Thinning of eyebrows
- Abnormal menstrual periods
- Swelling
- Bloating
- Hoarseness
What's this Hypo/LID all about??
I thought I'd attempt a little explanation about what this hypo/LID stuff is all about, since I realize I never really said anything about it. You might remember that the pathology report from my surgery showed that the tumor had not spread to any surrounding tissues or lymph nodes and I was diagnosed with Stage 1 disease, which, especially because I'm young, is the best case scenario. I expect to have a full recovery this year, and thyroid cancer will be nothing more than just a blip on my radar screen, and a minor nuisance for the rest of my life!! I am very lucky!! It's not an aggressive cancer and we caught it early.
I'm in the next phase of treatment right now - radioactive iodine (RAI). The thyroid is the only tissue that absorbs the RAI, which makes it a convenient way to kill off any remaining cancer cells that might be floating around inside me. In preparation for the RAI, I'm off my thyroid replacement hormone right now, which means any thyroid cells I have left are frantically active, trying (in vain, I might add) to produce enough thyroid hormone for my body to use.
Since the thyroid regulates the body's metabolism and use of energy, without a thyroid everything slows waaaay down. Basically my body just can't use the food energy I take in to function and all my organs are struggling mightily to carry on! Including the brain - I've turned into a total space cadet!! :) I don't feel as bad as I expected to though. Some people can't peel themselves off the couch. I've managed to stay active, and even though I'm fatigued constantly, the activity actually helps.
But it's necessary to do this because we need the thyroid cells to be active so they will show up on my whole body scan (WBS). Another thing that helps the process is a special low iodine diet that I have to follow (mainly I can't eat dairy, seafood or sea based products, any processed foods, or iodized salt - yes, that means LOTS of fruit and veggies!). But it's important because the thyroid cells will be depleted of any iodine (where the body stores it) and when I ingest the radioactive stuff, they'll suck it up like a dry sponge. Then they'll eventually die off because... well, they binged on radioactive iodine (and good riddance!).
So next week on Wednesday I will go in for my WBS, which takes all day pretty much, and depending on where they see remaining cancer cells, they will decide how large a dose to give me of the RAI. The expectation is that they will not see much and I'll get a small outpatient dose on Wednesday and be sent home to be in semi-isolation for a few days since I'll be radioactive and don't want to expose others. If they see more than expected, I will get a larger dose and need to be admitted to the hospital for total isolation. I'm really praying and keeping my fingers crossed that it's the former, although even if it is the latter, it doesn't change my prognosis, just the treatment.
As soon as that's over, I can start taking my thyroid hormone, stop the special diet, and start feeling "normal" again!! I can't wait. Plus I will know that I am cancer free. Please think good thoughts for me next week!
I'm in the next phase of treatment right now - radioactive iodine (RAI). The thyroid is the only tissue that absorbs the RAI, which makes it a convenient way to kill off any remaining cancer cells that might be floating around inside me. In preparation for the RAI, I'm off my thyroid replacement hormone right now, which means any thyroid cells I have left are frantically active, trying (in vain, I might add) to produce enough thyroid hormone for my body to use.
Since the thyroid regulates the body's metabolism and use of energy, without a thyroid everything slows waaaay down. Basically my body just can't use the food energy I take in to function and all my organs are struggling mightily to carry on! Including the brain - I've turned into a total space cadet!! :) I don't feel as bad as I expected to though. Some people can't peel themselves off the couch. I've managed to stay active, and even though I'm fatigued constantly, the activity actually helps.
But it's necessary to do this because we need the thyroid cells to be active so they will show up on my whole body scan (WBS). Another thing that helps the process is a special low iodine diet that I have to follow (mainly I can't eat dairy, seafood or sea based products, any processed foods, or iodized salt - yes, that means LOTS of fruit and veggies!). But it's important because the thyroid cells will be depleted of any iodine (where the body stores it) and when I ingest the radioactive stuff, they'll suck it up like a dry sponge. Then they'll eventually die off because... well, they binged on radioactive iodine (and good riddance!).
So next week on Wednesday I will go in for my WBS, which takes all day pretty much, and depending on where they see remaining cancer cells, they will decide how large a dose to give me of the RAI. The expectation is that they will not see much and I'll get a small outpatient dose on Wednesday and be sent home to be in semi-isolation for a few days since I'll be radioactive and don't want to expose others. If they see more than expected, I will get a larger dose and need to be admitted to the hospital for total isolation. I'm really praying and keeping my fingers crossed that it's the former, although even if it is the latter, it doesn't change my prognosis, just the treatment.
As soon as that's over, I can start taking my thyroid hormone, stop the special diet, and start feeling "normal" again!! I can't wait. Plus I will know that I am cancer free. Please think good thoughts for me next week!
Saturday, January 06, 2007
More Hilarity in Hypo-land, (In which the Universe plays a series of cruel jokes ...)
This is what I saw when I got to my office yesterday morning! Haha! The jokers...
I stayed at work till 5-5:30 Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Wednesday and Thursday were fine, but Friday was haaarrrd. I was really frayed yesterday for some reason. But I had to be there, there was just too much to tie up before possibly not being at work at all next week. Three people of our 4 person team (including myself) will be gone next week! Eek! I told the loner I would try to come in for at least half days Monday and Tuesday but I couldn't make any promises. It can be really super stressful when people aren't there and I don't know if I could handle the demands!! I think part of the reason Friday was so hard was because I had to talk to a lot of people around the building as opposed to staying in my office handling phone calls/emails, etc. People would be talking to me and I'd find myself just watching their face and thinking, what did you just say to me? Nod & smile.... !! That and the rain... always lovely when you walk to work in the rain!!
Oh, and in possibly the most hilarious thing that's happened to me at work... ever... yesterday I got locked in the bathroom. I kid you not. The lock would not retract and I was stuck in the stall. I was like, I'm hypo and on my last thread here and I'M LOCKED IN THE STALL??? You've got to be kidding me, Universe, this has got to be some kind of cruel joke! I tried to budge the screw with the pendant on my bracelet, and contemplated getting on the ground to crawl under... yuck. I stood there for several minutes wondering how long I'd have to wait before someone came along (I admit it was kind of nice to just stand there and do nothing - :) ). Finally, in a moment of inspiration, I started jiggling the door frame and was able to muster the strength to give way for the door to open without the lock retracting. It never ends.
That was not nearly as bad as what happened to me on Thursday as I was on my way home. It was the Abominable Trip From Hell. Despite the squillions spent on DC's metro system, it occasionally does not work. (Shocking, I know.) And my normal 30 minute commute (which includes 20 minutes of walking) can take more than an hour. Like on Thursday - an hour and 20 minutes from door to door. There was some mechanical problem and they were operating the trains manually and it took FOR.EV.ER to get out of the district and into VA. Like what normally takes 2 -3 minutes from the last stop in DC to the first stop in VA took 40. (And might I remind you there is A RIVER between DC and VA - and we're talking about metro here... underground...) And when the trains are backed up like that, they are PACKED because more and more people leave work to go home and there's just no way to move them off the platform. Luckily I got on the first train, but we were like sardines. I was wedged in so tight I didn't even have to hold on, it was that close. And hot. I was just sweating in my winter coat. I? Was Deeply Distressed.
Here I am, wedged claustrophobically in between three sweating men, stuck UNDER THE POTOMAC RIVER in a dark tunnel for an interminable and indefinite period of time, and by the way, I'm hypo. I was freaking out. Really. I thought I was going to pass out or throw up - or worse, both. If I had passed out, no one would have even noticed because I wouldn't have fallen over, I would have just been slumped there wedged in until the train finally got to the station. I felt pretty ill. I kept thinking, if I start to feel worse, I'm going to tell that guy there I'm going to be ill and I need to sit and hopefully he will ask someone to give me a seat! I wanted to cry. It was awful. Even the sane and normal people were looking strung out.
One more thing... all the people who go to the gym in the morning for cardio without brushing your teeth? (You know who you are!) ... How can I say this nicely? What is wrong with you?!!! Ew, don't you know I'm only a couple feet away on the next machine over and I can smell your stinky morning breath since you're huffing and puffing all over the place?! Honestly!! One of the reasons I dislike gym cardio... you're completely held captive there on the machine to the smells. If someone comes along with bad b.o. or - God forbid - farts, (once is bad enough, but if you have to keep doing it, GET OFF THE MACHINE!!) - you're stuck! It's not like you can hold your breath! I'm just sayin'!!
Thank goodness the weekend is here!
I stayed at work till 5-5:30 Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Wednesday and Thursday were fine, but Friday was haaarrrd. I was really frayed yesterday for some reason. But I had to be there, there was just too much to tie up before possibly not being at work at all next week. Three people of our 4 person team (including myself) will be gone next week! Eek! I told the loner I would try to come in for at least half days Monday and Tuesday but I couldn't make any promises. It can be really super stressful when people aren't there and I don't know if I could handle the demands!! I think part of the reason Friday was so hard was because I had to talk to a lot of people around the building as opposed to staying in my office handling phone calls/emails, etc. People would be talking to me and I'd find myself just watching their face and thinking, what did you just say to me? Nod & smile.... !! That and the rain... always lovely when you walk to work in the rain!!
Oh, and in possibly the most hilarious thing that's happened to me at work... ever... yesterday I got locked in the bathroom. I kid you not. The lock would not retract and I was stuck in the stall. I was like, I'm hypo and on my last thread here and I'M LOCKED IN THE STALL??? You've got to be kidding me, Universe, this has got to be some kind of cruel joke! I tried to budge the screw with the pendant on my bracelet, and contemplated getting on the ground to crawl under... yuck. I stood there for several minutes wondering how long I'd have to wait before someone came along (I admit it was kind of nice to just stand there and do nothing - :) ). Finally, in a moment of inspiration, I started jiggling the door frame and was able to muster the strength to give way for the door to open without the lock retracting. It never ends.
That was not nearly as bad as what happened to me on Thursday as I was on my way home. It was the Abominable Trip From Hell. Despite the squillions spent on DC's metro system, it occasionally does not work. (Shocking, I know.) And my normal 30 minute commute (which includes 20 minutes of walking) can take more than an hour. Like on Thursday - an hour and 20 minutes from door to door. There was some mechanical problem and they were operating the trains manually and it took FOR.EV.ER to get out of the district and into VA. Like what normally takes 2 -3 minutes from the last stop in DC to the first stop in VA took 40. (And might I remind you there is A RIVER between DC and VA - and we're talking about metro here... underground...) And when the trains are backed up like that, they are PACKED because more and more people leave work to go home and there's just no way to move them off the platform. Luckily I got on the first train, but we were like sardines. I was wedged in so tight I didn't even have to hold on, it was that close. And hot. I was just sweating in my winter coat. I? Was Deeply Distressed.
Here I am, wedged claustrophobically in between three sweating men, stuck UNDER THE POTOMAC RIVER in a dark tunnel for an interminable and indefinite period of time, and by the way, I'm hypo. I was freaking out. Really. I thought I was going to pass out or throw up - or worse, both. If I had passed out, no one would have even noticed because I wouldn't have fallen over, I would have just been slumped there wedged in until the train finally got to the station. I felt pretty ill. I kept thinking, if I start to feel worse, I'm going to tell that guy there I'm going to be ill and I need to sit and hopefully he will ask someone to give me a seat! I wanted to cry. It was awful. Even the sane and normal people were looking strung out.
One more thing... all the people who go to the gym in the morning for cardio without brushing your teeth? (You know who you are!) ... How can I say this nicely? What is wrong with you?!!! Ew, don't you know I'm only a couple feet away on the next machine over and I can smell your stinky morning breath since you're huffing and puffing all over the place?! Honestly!! One of the reasons I dislike gym cardio... you're completely held captive there on the machine to the smells. If someone comes along with bad b.o. or - God forbid - farts, (once is bad enough, but if you have to keep doing it, GET OFF THE MACHINE!!) - you're stuck! It's not like you can hold your breath! I'm just sayin'!!
Thank goodness the weekend is here!
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