Crazy Sexy Cancer

Kris Carr of the TLC documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer is blogging!

Also check out I'm Too Young For This for cancer resources for young adults and other blogging babes with cancer!

She's going on tour to promote the book and she'll be in DC next Tuesday at Tyson's Corner Barnes & Noble - I'm there!

Iraq

My parents were in town this week to attend a funeral for an old family friend who was killed in Iraq. He retired from the military and got a contracting job and decided to go for a year to make bank. He was only there for a month or so before getting exploded in a convoy. It's unbelievable that we are at war right now on two continents. I know it's not WW2 or anything, but probably close to 95% (give or take) of this country's population is virtually oblivious to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan - they wouldn't even know we are fighting if it weren't for occasional headlines in the papers about another surge or more violence.

Working with a bunch of FSO's (foreign service officers) on the passport task force these last few weeks has sparked my wanderlust. I've had a tiny thought in the back of my mind for years now that I want to go to Iraq. There are lots of reasons - to help, serve, make a difference, see what's really going on out there, be a part of it. Every time I think about going to any overseas post I get gripped by "cancer-fear".

I'm trying to think of how to describe that - I guess basically I just feel so vulnerable. I think this feeling will eventually go away. I still have another hypo-hell and first year scans looming in January, and the fear that there will still be masses or new mets on the scans, and the possibility of retreatment. And the months of feeling ill and drained. After I get a "clean" scan, I can go two and then five years between scans with only monitoring of bloodwork, but it's still a lifetime of it, repeated ad nauseum. I try to put it in a box. Like here's my life and in this small box is my cancer. It's more like a black hole in the space of my life than a box. A box is contained, you can shut it and put it on the top shelf of the closet and forget it's there. Black holes are spots in space that are so dense they suck in anything that gets close.

Still, I want to go to Iraq. Probably it would not happen for a year or more if I could. Maybe the violence will be less at that point? Unlikely, but it's possible.

"They"

Everyone jokes about who "They" are - you know, "they say such and so," for example. Who are "They"? Depending on the context, They are the Man, the Machine, the Government, the Experts, etc. - in general, The Establishment.

I was just reading over on Kyra's blog that "They" finally sent her passport back and that "They" stapled her new picture in her old passport so the two pics are side by side. LOL!

I have become the establishment.

People, I am They.

For some reason this amuses me immensely.

Fitness Links!

Craig Ballantyne has some great new fitness content on his blog. Check it out!

Ballantyne's Hotel Room Wokout

Barbell Squat Exercise Form Demonstration

Six Minute Circuit Workout Free Sample - from GrrlAthlete - includes exercise descriptions (Mom! :P)

good stuff!

Battery Recharge

This week has been soooo nice. I've gotten a MUCH needed break from the daily grind. I have not had to ride METRO ONCE (praise and rejoice). And can I tell you I have not looked at the papers once either! (Don't tell my boss...) I have absolutely NO IDEA what either North Korea or Iran is up to, whether the UN has done anything new, whether the Norks have tested another nuke, whether Al Qaeda is finally gone from Iraq, whether another Katrina or tsunami has suddenly hit some poor unsuspecting coastal city... Germany could be communist again and I would be oblivious! It is totally unlike me to not care about these things, but the relief from concern about the problems of the world and the burdensome feeling of duty to do SOMETHING anything to fix them is unbelievable. I don't feel one shred of guilt for turning a blind eye -- unravel world! fall apart into chaos and mayhem, do it quickly while I'm not on watch!

Perhaps I will reconsider my living arrangement, as I think I have identified one of my most HATED aspects of this rat race - the METRO. I could stay in Arlington a bit farther from a metro stop for less rent and spend the offset on parking downtown... hmmm....

Otherwise, I have also only worked about 15 hours total this week. Aside from the minor nervousness before my final test yesterday, it was pretty stress free. I deeply hope that this entire 8 week void will be similarly undemanding and I can return to work full of gusto in October (despite having to work Saturdays). All told, since the cancer experience, I have not slowed down once. I have not had a vacation, save for sick days taken to recover from surgery and in isolation while I was radioactive and could not be around humans. It's like tension on a rope - it only takes so much before the fibers slowly start to unravel one by one till you're hanging by a thread.

I have today off from work and although it's been ghastly hot here, I'm planning to bask by the pool, work out, get a pedicure and browse around the mall at Tyson's.

Day One of Resocialization... um, I mean Passport Training

I survived my first day of passport adjudication training. It was actually kind of nice to be in receiving mode instead of output mode. Class today lasted a total of about 4 hours they let us out at 3:00. Yippee!!! I love passport training. !! passport processing itself may be another story... it takes an average of 2 minutes to process a passport application... that's ... 30 an hour x 8 x 6... ugh, I don't do math, but that's a LOT of freaking passports.

Just so you all know how seriously the government is (now) taking this problem (after the fact), my girlfriend is up at the National Passport Center in New Hampshire (where they sent most of the unfortunate PMF's to do their duty while living out of a hotel for two months) and she is processing passports IN THE GYM. I am not kidding you, her workstation is right next to the fly machine. LOL.

I have learned that my workstation will be in the hall.

Sweet.

Train under simulated race conditions... er... and other youtube hilarity

This is pretty funny -- just saw it over on IronSunshine. Had to share! I've never done a triathlon (hm... new fitness goal perhaps???) but I've seen the race start and it doesn't look fun... lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3S0wu4Zbfk

Also, while we're on the topic of entertaining videos... please stop what you are doing and surf over to Paul's blog right now and click on the "Magical Link". Seriously, go now!! Hahaha.....

everything happens for a reason...

i have to grumble about my foot... i have metatarsalgia, kinda like plantar fascitis except in the ball of your foot, where the middle toe rubs around on the fat pad, mine is inflamed somehow and it makes walking/running painful. it is going away slowly though, feeling better every day. now i just have to not be an a$$ about it and go out and run 5 miles like i want to. i have no idea really how this happened to me - in April i ran a 10 mile race with no problem and suddenly i get foot injury with no real cause evident.

i am feeling super emotional today it is my last day at my real job before passport duty and i must leave my work (that i am passionate about) behind for the next 8 weeks... AND work saturdays for the rest of the summer
AND the last article in Oprah mag that I read this morning was all about one of her golden retrievers dying i was almost bawling but it was about how she realized that her dog's death was a gift just like her life and she learned from it...

i need to think on that one as i have to ask god what i am meant to learn from having cancer so young and the other experiences in my life, they seem to be piling up things not really going how i would like them to and i need to ask god, what are you trying to show me right now?

- cancer and all that nonsense
- craziness with having to change bc pills, then stopping them
- my foot injury which seems to take away many things i love (running, walking)
- my work is getting taken away, even though temporarily, and i have to sacrifice my saturdays to do repetitive boring monotonous work (this is not what i studied my ass off in grad school to do!)
- my bf is moving to hawaii in early october, that is coming up fast

it really seems too much for one person in just 8 months to handle, but i know there is a reason these things are coming into my life and i just don't know what yet - am i supposed to do something? do something different? just wait it out, ride the storm and then suddenly i will break through the curtain?? i do not ask god why why me. not even for a minute. because why not me? i feel so lucky that these are my vanilla sufferings and i am not living in a war zone or starving or or or... but this is not the life i imagined at the moment. i nkow it will pass, as all things, this too shall pass (my mom always says), but can't help wondering if it's some karmic thing that needs me to do something that i wish i knew what it was.......

tgif, y'all, that's all i got to say!

Nostalgia

I regularly get really powerful nostalgia. Not sure why I'm sharing this, but it's been on my mind. I think it means I'm not in the right place somehow... something is off in my chi. If I was living fully and passionately, completely absorbed in the present, I would not be overcome by random waves of intense nostalgia. Sometimes small things set it off. Cooking my eggs. The way the light looks at the sunrise. A memory. Or nothing at all in particular. There's not really a specific time I get nostalgic for... sometimes it's moments in my childhood, certain memories... sometimes college or other more recent times. There are times I decidedly do NOT get nostalgic for. Alabama is one of those. I never ever wish I could relive that place. Not for a minute. Nostalgia is it's own sensation. It's not remembering, not even fond remembering, although that is part of it. It's not missing, either... It's a mix of memory, longing, joy, sadness, missing, emptyness... all at once. Lately I have the odd, unsettled feeling like I'm missing out on something... or just missing something. Like life is passing me by... I feel inordinately sad about the simple passing of time.

Crazy is as crazy does...

Ballston Metro is a wacky place. For such a high rent area, there are lots of weirdos and shady characters that hang out there... the drug dealer with the marijuana baseball cap who sits on the stairwell by the little cafe (and his friends), the little Asian man playing that funny instrument, couple homeless guys, posse's of high-schoolers looking for trouble... and lately I have been seeing this lady who looks rather normal, except that she has a bag of birdseed and is FEEDING THE GAWDAM PIGEONS. Who, I implore you, dear readers, WHO? Feeds pigeons? PIGEONS? This is why I must assume that, although she looks like a regular 9-5'er, she's got a screw loose, if you know what I mean... They aren't real "birds" in my opinion, they are PESTS. Like rodents. Or cockroaches. In the category of "Things We Try to Exterminate." They are prolific enough on their own, they certainly don't need to be FED. Shit. Every time I walk by her and she is doling out seed to the crowd of pigeons, I want to shake her.

Ok, oK! I'll post already!

My one and only fan (Chris) is getting restless that I haven't updated my poor neglected blog! Before I forget, my orchid is dying! the leaves are turning yellow and frying off... what do I do??
Seriously, no one reads this blog. My mom and sister check up, Adam clicks on every once in a while to see if the stories I tell about him are true, and Chris... and Paul wanders over every once in a while. Oh, and a shout out to Maxine in Miami, my cancer sister - hey Maxine! And that's it!

I've been blogging over on a fitness forum where I can obsess about my macronutrient ratios and how to perfect my squat form in the gym and it's normal and people actually read what I write!! I suspect it's the cancer flavor of this blog, it probably scares off anyone who wanders in to see what it's about. That and I need a new, better title probably. But the cancer bit, for sure... I don't think I would have dwelled on a cancer blog in my days BC (before cancer) because, you know, if you don't acknowledge it and focus on it, then it's not real. But getting to know someone with cancer, even just through the blogosphere, brings it home - it happens to normal people, just like me, going about their business.

What else can I say?

I've made some recent forays onto USAJobs looking for alternative work situations (i.e.: not in DC) because I'm reaching the breaking point with this city. There are many times during my days when I just think to myself, I can't do this anymore! Like today for instance, I'm riding the metro home and of course the AC doesn't work in the car I happen into and of course it's humid and soggy and crowded as hell in there. The woman behind me has her bulbous bosoms and large belly pressed up against me and I feel violated by these three masses poking into my back and rear end... the guy in front of me is leaning his sweaty back against my arm and someone has b.o. A woman sneezes several times without covering her face. This is my life.

If I didn't have the goshdarn coolest job in the world (IMHO), I would up and quit this place in a heartbeat. My real dream job is, of course, leading rafting tours down the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon, but I don't think those jobs come with stellar health plans and, well, the cancer thing kinda threw a wrench in any plans I might've dreamed up for flitting around nomad-style again. At least in the near term.

I don't mean to sound negative, but I did just get off the metro and these are the things that wear on me... next time I'll try to post from my happy place!

Adam caught a Fish!!

Reeled in a big one... he almost had to put his beer down.

Canoing on the Potomac

I know I've been MIA... not that more than four souls on the internet even know about this little blog! But just since you've waited so long and so patiently, I have decided to reward you with some pics!!

Last Saturday was gorgeous and we took a canoe out on the river.... which means I sat in the canoe while Adam paddled us around :) :) :)

The good old days are now, now, now. What I think about is now. This is the moment I have waited for. This is it. These are the good old days.

Aging Well With a Fitness Icon
92-year-old muscle man Jack LaLanne shares his wisdom about aging gracefully.
(You can see LaLanne in action in a short video here.)

Check out this article, photos and video of Jack LaLanne, who won a Lifetime Achievement Award in May. To celebrate his 65th birthday, he swam pulling 65 boats filled with 6,500 pounds of wood pulp in Lake Ashi, near Tokyo. For his 70th birthday, he towed 70 boats with 70 people 1.5 miles against the current in the Long Beach, Calif. harbor. For his 95th birthday, he'd like to swim from the coast of California to Santa Catalina Island, more than 20 miles offshore. But Elaine says, somewhat in jest, that she'll divorce him if he tries.

What the World Eats

This is really interesting. Look how many packaged foods the US families eat. And all the beer and cold cuts in the Germans!

http://www.time.com/time/photogaller...626519,00.html

I always try to hold my breath in a cloud of someone's smoke...

WHO urges smoking ban in public places

May 29, 2007 02:19:28 PM PST

The U.N. health agency on Tuesday issued its strongest policy recommendations yet for controlling tobacco use, urging all countries to ban smoking at indoor workplaces and in public buildings.

"The evidence is clear. There is no safe level of exposure to secondhand tobacco smoke," said Dr. Margaret Chan, director-general of the World Health Organization.

Tobacco use is the world's leading cause of preventable death, accounting for 10 percent of adult fatalities, according to WHO. It is responsible for 5.4 million deaths each year, a figure that is expected to rise to 8.3 million by 2030, the agency says.

Increasing numbers of nonsmokers will also die unless governments take action, WHO said in its 50-page report. It said governments of both rich and poor countries should declare all public indoor places smoke-free, by passing laws and actively enforcing measures to ensure that "everyone has a right to breathe clean air, free from tobacco smoke."

At least 200,000 workers die each year because of exposure to smoke at their offices and factories, according to the U.N. labor agency. The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency estimates that about 3,000 deaths from lung cancer each year occur among nonsmoking Americans.

"This is not about shaming the smoker. This is not even about banning smoking," said Dr. Armando Peruga, who heads WHO's anti-tobacco campaign. "This is about society taking decisions about where to smoke and where not to smoke."

He cited Ireland and Uruguay as governments that have successfully tackled smoking by creating and enforcing smoke-free environments. Legislation of the kind has proved popular among both smokers and nonsmokers, according to WHO, whose policy recommendations set broad goals for its 193 member states but are not legally binding.

Almost half the world's children — some 700 million — are exposed to air polluted by tobacco smoke, particularly at home, WHO says. The agency made its recommendations on the basis of new reports by the International Agency for Research on Cancer, the U.S. surgeon general and the California Environmental Protection Agency.

WHO said in 2005 that it had stopped hiring smokers, as part of what it termed its "public lead" in the fight against tobacco.

Valerie Waugman - inspiration

Check out Valerie Waugman's workout in this video.

Where'd I leave my lifting gloves? I've got a date with some iron!

http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/valerie10.htm

Some day my arms will look like hers.!!!!

Out of the box progress

I have not blogged because I do not think anyone reads here! That and I have some things running through my head that I don't feel like I can talk about here. That and I am boring and have no life besides the gym and my job!!

I am doing 4 lifting circuits and 4 HIIT sessions per week in this phase of my workout. It is hard. If I want to have a whole day off, which I think I need, I have to double up two of those days with lifting/cardio... and after I lift, I just feel too wasted to get anything out of a HIIT session!

I did not get my HIIT session done yesterday after lifting. Once again, I just felt too tweaked, even with a serving of breakfast oats in me before my workout.

Today's workout
I did a treadmill session today: 25 mins, 5 one-minute interval rounds w/ 2 minute recovery.

My speeds were:
6.0/8.5, 8.6, 8.7, 8.8, 8.9!! Which is officially the fastest I've ever gone on the treadmill. And to be honest, this felt a little too easy so I think next time I will try all my intervals at the higher speed, and go up to 6.1 for the recovery.

I walked for a bit after this and did some stretching and some work with the foam roller (calves are knotty!).

Reflections on progress
As I was cooling down, I was thinking about how much progress I have made since January. I tried to keep up with physical activity while I was going through my cancer treatments, but I had to back off the intensity of everything. I still went in the weight room when I could and "lifted" really light weights, just to keep my body moving and my muscles remembering what they are supposed to do. I tried to keep running, then eventually had to stop that too and just walk or pedal on the bike. Before my surgery I was running about 30 miles a week. It was sad to watch myself detrain. I'll never forget going on a walk and my HR being like 175 just walking uphill and my HR monitor was beeping like crazy and I had to stop at the top and bend over to catch my breath and stop myself from passing out.

Before my radiation, I had to stop taking my thyroid hormone altogether and become severely hypothyroid. I won't go into what that was like, but it was not fun. It was hard to get off the couch. I couldn't remember whether I'd cracked one egg or three. Without any thyroid hormone, your body just starts to shut down because your cells can't get any energy! Once pedaling on the bike, I remember looking down at the display and I was pedaling at level 2 and barely like 50 rpm's or something and I felt like I was climbing Mt. Everest. I got off the bike and just cried.

When I started to get better, the first time I tried to do an "interval" on the step machine, I went for 1 minute at a moderate level 7 and then had to get off the machine because my HR just would not come down under 170 and it freaked me out! Of course, I almost passed out b/c all the blood drained out of my head once I abruptly stopped.

Aaannyyway. I don't want to belabor the unpleasants, I just wrote all that so y'all can get a sense of why I'm feeling proud of how far I've come!! It's been almost 5 months and I'm feeling really healthy, and I ran at 8.9 today!

Legs are sore! I'm progressing in my lifts and the single-leg exercises Cosgrove has me doing right now are getting "easier" - LOL.

Gym Faux Pas?!
Oh, I know gym people will appreciate this story...

So I'm at the gym yesterday doing OVERHEAD SQUATS (which I consider to be a pretty hard-core exercise!). I'm holding a bar OVER MY HEAD with my arms locked out, doing squats. And in the middle of my set, this scrawny guy comes up to me TO ASK ME IF I'M USING THE SMITH MACHINE.

Dude.

a) I'm doing overhead squats.
b) I'm doing overhead squats (no, I'm not using the smith machine, genius).
c) I'm doing overhead squats (are you CRAZY?! don't talk to me in the middle of my set! I could get HURT... or you might when I throw this bar at you!!!)

LOL!

Also, another fitness related rant? Can the sports store please employ SOMEONE who knows about lifting equipment??? I'm there looking to buy lifting straps (b/c I can deadlift more than my grip strength allows on some sets) and an employee comes up to see if I need help.

Me: "Sure, I'm trying to decide if I need these padded ones or if I'm fine without the padding... the padded ones seem a little big on my girly wrists."

Guy: "Um, when I used to lift," (ed note: he's maybe 18) "I just used gloves."

Me: blink blink... "Ok, thanks."

Eventually he went off to get his supervisor who didn't know anything either. Nice.

Ok, that's enough ranting for one day!!!

Weird Week

Workouts are going pretty well, even though I've been avoiding the jump squat workout... it's soooo hard! I don't like jump squats, but I only have one more week before I start a new workout. Yay. I've added weight to most of my lifts and it seems like I just keep getting stronger, which is great! Now I need to focus on getting some of this fat off so I can actually wear my summer clothes. It seems like some of them shrunk over the winter in my drawers... And people, I am NOT buying bigger clothes. No. That is not an option. I've been all over the map with my nutrition this week. When I start to feel burned out, I justify poor eating. I'm due for a vacation! I haven't really had a vacation in more than a year! I took a lot of time off with the cancer stuff, but that doesn't really count for a vacation... I need to plan my trip to FL to visit my sister!!! Yesterday I got my hair cut and I think today I will go have a pedicure and manicure. My toes are looking frightful! I still haven't downloaded those pictures from my camera... maybe I will do that this evening.

I'm all out of sorts...

We finally made it out to Sugarloaf on Sunday and did the 5 mile loop. It was so nice! The weather was perfect - a little windy and chilly when we started out, but it warmed up and by the end my t-shirt was soaked. The sky was so blue and clear, the view was amazing. Usually it's a bit hazy. That always wipes me out good though, and I was pretty baked the rest of the day!

And I woke up Monday morning with a serious pain in my right hip. Probably from the combination of jump squats followed by a 5 mile hike the next day. I decided to take Monday off from the gym, but I was still feeling it this morning!

Plus I had a really shaky workout. I kept feeling like I was about to pass out, and had to sit down and take long rests in between sets - definitely the worst workout I've had recently. I think I was dehydrated? My heart was just racing. I made it through. I also had trouble doing the cable rows because my arm is pretty bruised from where I had blood drawn on Monday. Seriously, I think this lady did it on purpose, I really felt it when she jabbed me! Usually you don't feel hardly anything, if the person knows what they are doing. It seemed like she stabbed the needle in harder than necessary and I was like, OW, that hurt!! And she goes, (in this sugary voice) oh, but I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm like, yeah... whatever. Anyway, it actually made the rows really painful to do!

AND, to top all that off? The mother of all zits has taken up residence RIGHT in the middle of my eyebrows. It never ends.