I ran!

I ran this morning! Outside! It was glorious! It also sucked! I was afraid I wouldn't remember how to do it. Was I creaky? Yep. Was I slow? As cold molasses! My lungs were burning from the cold air. I cannot tell a lie fitness friends. It was hard. And now, at 5 pm, I feel as if I ran at least twice that distance. I am toast. But run I did.

Yesterday was a wash. I had kind of a rough day. I did nothing positive for myself. I didn't even get a shower until about 7 pm. I intended to run yesterday, but instead I did big fat nothing. Literally. I sat on the couch all day and surfed the 'net and read. I didn't drink all my water. I didn't have any of my magic healing tea. I didn't take my supplements - acidophilus, flax oil and astragalus. I didn't eat lots of fruits and vegetables. I didn't exercise.

Instead? I talked myself into finishing off the home made cookies and sitting on the couch ALL DAY. Why I ever let myself talk me into this is beyond my understanding. The conversation is usually the same... yesterday it went something like this:

Rational me: "I'm feeling kind of low. You know. Feeling a little sorry for myself. I just wish someone or something could make me feel better. I need comfort. I know I should go run, but that sounds hard, and I just want to be comfy right now."

Voice in head: "I know. You've been through a lot. You look tired. You have cancer for pete's sake! You should just take it easy. And you deserve a treat too. Like one of those cookies. Those look good, and it'll make you feel better to just eat a warm cookie and curl up on the couch."

Rational me: "Yeah, you're right. That's exactly what I need."

[Voice in head wins out and multiple cookies are consumed while very little movement occurs.]

All you fellow fitness freaks will know before I tell you the obvious and inevitable outcome of these events. Does this make me feel better? Yeah. For about 20 minutes before the sugar high wears off. And then? I feel worse. It never fails! Why Rational Me can't remember that a few hours after committing to the cookie/couch combo, I ALWAYS end up listless, puffy, cranky, weepy and self deprecating is a complete mystery.

By the end of the evening I was feeling really sorry for myself. Doing my best Eeyore. I had a good hard cry - the first since the day of my surgery. And while I don't think I needed to sit in a sugar stupor all day, I will say that I needed a good hard cry...

Despite my firm believe in positive thinking and the importance of attitude to health and wellness, and my deep desire to meet the challenges of this disease with grace and a smile, it is still a grieving process. Grief is a natural response to loss, and cancer is certainly a loss. It changes our very sense of self. At times, we feel empty, unmoored, fragile, like we might spin apart at any minute -- as if a part of our self has been ripped away. The process of grieving takes over our spirits, and crashes around inside us -- in our hearts, stomachs, heads. And there's nothing to do but surrender to it, and experience the depth of whatever emotion takes hold.

Fix your eyes on God and do not talk about what is invisible,
So that he may place another look in your eyes.
It is in the vision of the physical eyes
That no invisible or secret thing exists.
But when the eye is turned toward the Light of God
What thing could remain hidden under such a Light?
Although all lights emanate from the Divine Light
Don't call all these lights "the Light of God";
It is the eternal light which is the Light of God,
The ephemeral light is an attribute of the body and the flesh.
...Oh God who gives the grace of vision!
The bird of vision is flying towards You with the wings of desire..

-Rumi