Monday, November 09, 2009

Adam, you need to come home right this very minute, mister!

GAHHHH! I cannot be expected to handle all these domestic responsibilities all by myself! I'm not superwoman! Yesterday I had to take out the trash! All the way to the dumpster! This morning? I ran out of sports bras and now I have to do LAUUUUNNNNDRY!

And worst of all!

Today when I got home, I found THIS waiting for me cheerfully on the carpet:

I cannot be expected to touch that thing, even through 52,769 layers of toilet paper. No. I will not. But it can't just STAY THERE!!! For like 10 more days what am I going to DOOOOOO!!! So you need to COME THE HELL HOME! Now!

Ewwwwwwwww. Ew. No seriously ew.

I suppose I should be happy that it helpfully keeled over all on its very own without me having to jump up on the couch and spray Raid all over the living room.

COME HOME!!!!

+++++++++++++

So. Let's talk about the pig flu. I'm a'skeered y'all. People all around are dropping like flies and every door handle and elevator button looks like a petri dish crawling with germs to me and OMG WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIEEEEEE!!!! I happened to hear on the radio on Friday an announcement that the vaccine is available in Hawaii now, so I decided to call today and find out how to get me some. But it's too LATE!

No sooner had I hung up the phone when my boss came in and said he would be out tomorrow because his daughter has the flu and he is going to take her to the doctor. AND? One of the Generals went home at lunchtime with flu symptoms! This was right after he held a Directorate-wide meeting this morning that pretty much EVERYONE attended! So the flu has landed at PACOM, and it's probably too late for me to get vaccinated, because as I discovered, it takes like 2 weeks to become immune once you get the damn shot.

I can do nothing but wring my hands and pray that I will not be felled in my delicate status.

++++++++++++++++++

All this swine flu hyperventilating actually led to a conversation with my coworker about poop. Hehe POOP.

He told me he was in that meeting and probably got exposed to the pig flu and I was like, but you washed your hands, right, since then? And he gave me a "look" and I was like, WHAT? YOU DID NOT WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER GOING TO THE BATHROOM??? And he told me he had not been to the bathroom all day, since he left home in fact (this was at 4 pm). I fell on the floor and died of shock.

This eventually led him to admit to me that once? He did not poop for TWO WEEKS.

Me: Wow. Wasn't that... uncomfortable? Were you not... concerned??

Him: Well, yeah, I did start to get worried, actually. But MAN! When I finally went? It was like a LOG.

Me: AAAAAAHHHHHHHRRRHHHHZHAHHHH. TMI! TMI!!

Him: I mean! That thing was like... having a BABY or something!! A LOG!

Me: NOOOOO. I do not want to hear any more about this pooping!

Him: Seriously, like, I should have been DILATED for that log of poo.

Me: Dude. STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR LOGPOOP! (Log O' Poop? Pooplog?) Am scarred.

In reality, I love to talk about poop, and I do so whenever I have the chance. It's one of my favorite subjects, and Adam will attest to this. Eating apricots? POOP! Tummy hurts? POOP! Gecko? POOP! That's the thing about Geckos. They eat all the spiders, but they poop on EVERYTHING! They pooped on our couch! AND on the projector inside our TV! They somehow manage to poop ON THE WALLS! It stays there, stuck. A poopsmear on the wall. How do they do that? They have magical pooping abilities.

15 weeks
Teh belleh continues its outward expansion.
Pretty soon I will have my own gravitational pull.



Just in case y'all thought I might be making this stuff up, behold exhibit A. Below is my pre-pregnancy bra, 34C. Above? Yeah. That happened like literally overnight. Like I peed on that stick and WHOOPS! 36DD. To my childless friends: you have been warned.

3 comments:

Lindsey Broere said...

haha...glad to see I'm not alone in my fear of bugs...

Neil laughs, but I won't even pick up a dead bug with paper towels. I get a shovel...I just can't deal. And if they are alive..FORGET IT...the entire area gets covered in two layers of whatever cleaning agent/bug killer I can find.

Yeah, if only we could keep those boobs after breast feeding. That's the magic time for husbands...a couple weeks after delivery when you've lost all the baby weight and are now your normal self but with HUGE boobs. I think that thought helps Neil get through my crazy pregnant wife moments :-)

THE AUTHORS said...

hahaha, you're so funny. another thing we have in common: we both love a good poop story. that belly is coming along! it even looks different after only a week! it's going to be so crazy to see you and lindsey with little newborns!! i can't wait.

Nina said...

Yeah -- the day your milk comes in is going to scare you silly if the DD factor is already blowing your mind. I was a little horrified.

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