Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Nonplussed

I think the baby was draining the life force out of me today. I have had a headache for days, waves of nausea, exhaustion, irritable... ughhhh. What a shitty day too. I felt beseiged all day - like everything in the universe was working against me. I had to get up early this morning to get to work by 5:30 for a meeting, and from the moment I left the house it seemed like everyone and everything was out to get me. By mid-morning I was feeling so raw all I wanted to do was go home. I went in the bathroom and cried twice! I'd like to blame the pregnancy hormones, but they didn't cause all the shitty things that happened to me today. Then to top it all off, on my way home I drove on base to run an errand and I got pulled over at the gate because the "decals on my car were FADED." (Are you kidding me?) After I talked to the asshole MP, I cried again. It was the shitty icing on the shitcake.

I know I shouldn't give any energy to these things when I'm all irritable and hormonal, but today I just couldn't stop thinking about how it seems like everything I am doing right now is crap I don't want to do. My job... Ok, maybe it's mostly my job. There are so many things that annoy me to the point of getting knots in my stomach. I realize there are annoying things about every job, but with this one, it's like 20% stuff I enjoy and about 80% stuff I'm like why, wHY, WHY??? Either things I think are a waste of time or things I flat out don't want to do (like coming in to work at 5:30 am, for example). I miss my job at State Department!

And maybe I also kind of a little bit hate living here. Maybe hate is too strong a word. Dislike. Sometimes strongly. How can you hate living in Hawaii? It's paradise! When you are not a tourist here, there are things that try your patience. I admit I feel isolated and sometimes lonely here. I don't notice as much when Adam is here, but when he's not I realize, um, I have no friends. You know, like girlfriends. It's not like I work with many young women (hardly any), and it's not like I could really see myself hanging out with the femme-bots on the blonde brigade of spouses in Adam's squadron. Anyway we are done with that place.

One of the biggest reasons I fear quitting my job (besides the money thing) is that I worry I will become a complete recluse. I'm introverted as it is and I worry I will end up hermiting with the baby. On the other hand, maybe I would meet other moms doing activities with the baby.

And.... now I'm done with this sad little uptight post. I have Weeds to watch.

3 comments:

Nina said...

Let me give you a big virtual hug and say that there is a reason why I didn't have a blog during my pregnancy...as far as I can tell, nobody really likes being pregnant. As one of my friends said -- I am really product oriented when it comes to this whole pregnancy thing...the process pretty much sucks.

And all of the women who say they loved it? I am going to guess that it has gained its rosy edges with the passage of some SERIOUS time. Hang in there -- the end result does rock your world (in 99.99% good ways!!)

Chris said...

Belleh Pics???

Bisous said...

One must needs hermit with a newborn so don't sweat it. You have enough to worry about!

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