Alone

I dropped my mom off at the airport this morning. I cried as I hugged her goodbye, and on the drive home I permitted myself a brief fantasy about turning onto the highway and heading downtown to have lunch and a pedicure and maybe see a movie all by myself. Instead I pulled into the driveway and came inside to face my first day alone. Well, technically I am being melodramatic, as I am hardly alone in the strict sense of the word. Adam was upstairs sleeping, the lucky SOB. However, for all practical purposes, STILL ALONE.

I suppose I have known all along that eventually I would have to fend for myself in this motherhood business. That somehow I would have to figure out how to pee, get some lunch, do laundry, and keep up a modicum of neatness in the house while keeping the baby alive. That the duty of walking the baby around for several hours every evening during her fussy time would fall on me. I am shocked that this moment is upon me already. It's been nearly seven weeks since Avery was born. That was fast. And, weirdly, slooooow. At any given moment, it feels like I'm stuck in an infinite do-loop of rocking and bouncing and patting and soothing and shushing and changing diapers and getting barfed on and nursing and not-sleeping. It's a weird baby time warp where the hours seem to simultaneously drag on and fly by.

I'm sure one day in the future, perhaps when she's crawling all over trying to stick her fingers in the light sockets, I'm going to look back on this time nostalgically and wonder what on earth I thought was so hard about THAT. However. I would very much like to exercise once in a while, or spend a few uninterrupted hours mindlessly watching tv or surfing something on the internet other than "nipple pain pumping" or "normal infant poop", or take a shower or get a pedicure or sleep for more than 3 hours. I try not to wish her babyness away because she's so precious and it's such a fleeting moment in time. But I'd be lying if I said I don't often wish she was a bit more settled, developed and routined, and less unpredictable and just, well, needy. I feel bad even having these thoughts. I love her so much it's impossible to explain! And yet...