It could be worse. I guess.

It's silly, really, the fact that I've been weeping on and off since about 10 pm Friday night. I mean, it could be worse. It could be so much worse. But she just won't let me put her down, not even to sleep at night. I spent about 6 hours on Friday night alternately trying to lay her down and walking her down when she woke up each time. And sobbing on the phone to Adam at work because I was just so tired, and I felt so incredibly alone, and I'd been alone with the baby all day already, walking her around for hours, and I knew I was facing another several days of doing this alone. I finally got her to sleep cuddled up next to me in bed, but of course, I don't sleep very well (if at all) like that. Adam came home and took her for a couple of hours so I could get a little sleep.

Yesterday I cried on and off all day. The Little was fussy all day and wouldn't take a nap, and she wouldn't be put down either. I even went to the bathroom holding her at one point because she had fallen asleep on my shoulder and I didn't dare wake her by laying her down and have to start the process of her fussing and me walking her down again. I just felt so, so lonely, and tired, and tired of carrying the baby around, and angry. I felt angry at the poor baby. And at Adam because he gets to lay down every day and sleep without thinking about the baby, and he gets to go work out without having to worry about getting her down for a nap or whether she will stay asleep for an hour, and because he isn't here having to pace around with her for hours and hours, and because he's not here - he sleeps all day and I barely see him for 30 minutes and he's gone all night (not his fault or choosing, but...). It's taken me two days to write this post because I've barely had five minutes of peace to write it.

I guess I feel like this isn't what I signed up for, this de facto solo parenting gig. This isn't how I thought it would be, mothering this baby. I feel way more overwhelmed and more negative feelings than I thought I would. I pictured wearing the baby around the house, taking her for walks, and getting chores done while she napped. I pictured getting sporadic sleep, but sleep nonetheless, at night. Instead, the baby basically needs to be held constantly, even at night. She won't sit in her bouncy seat or swing. She hates the car seat and the stroller and all of the baby carriers most of the time. I can't take her anywhere because she won't sit still half the time, she needs to be walked around.

I know it gets easier. But when? I was looking forward to six weeks as a turning point, and if anything she's gotten fussier in the last week, not better. Three months? Maybe, but it seems so far away still.

Ok... I have more to say, but she just woke up from her five minute nap and she's about to lose her shit if I don't pick her up!