Sleeping baby

She occasionally does nap... if conditions are right!

Practicing her range of emotion

Yesterday Adam was holding the Little before he went to work and I have no idea why, but she would smile at him and then stick her bottom lip out in a huge pout, and then a second later smile again! It was so funny, we were cracking up. She must be practicing her dramatization of emotions.

She has that pouty lip DOWN, doesn't she?  She has learned it gets a big reaction when she does it!

Practicing that sitting up Thing!

She has found her fingers, and they are mmm mmm good!

Avery in her "fluff" (cloth dipe)... she no longer looks like a q-tip in them!  They still give her quite a cushy tushy, though.

Baby feet.  Mmmmmm..... nom nom nom.

She's 13 weeks today!

Just gotta sit up!

*YAWN*  :)

Avery is such a curious baby.  Now that she has figured out that sitting up is a "Thing" and that you can see all around really good when you do it, she wants to be sitting upright ALL. THE. TIME. !!!  She loves to pull herself up when you hold her hands and help her.  Sooo... I went and got her a Bumbo chair to help her sit.  She loves it.  I wasn't going to get this thing, but she wants to sit up so badly and she can't quite do it on her own yet! 

She has changed so much in the last couple weeks and she is getting really good at head and neck control.  She also is smiling all the time.  Just give her a reason to smile and she breaks out in these huge grins.  It's really the cutest when she tucks her chin down and smiles... this picture doesn't do the cuteness justice!

Tee!!

Thyroid Cancer Update & Radioiodine Scans on Oahu

I never blog about thyroid cancer anymore.  Not because it isn't still a Thing I have to deal with.  It just isn't a Big Thing anymore.  I'm down to having scans every two years so I didn't even have to think about that this year.  Yes, it was a pain in the rear to worry about my thyroid levels while I was pregnant, but other than that, it's really sort of a non-issue in my life right now.

I have wanted this blog to be a source of information and consolation for anyone diagnosed with thyroid cancer who is surfing for info on the internet.  I know when I was diagnosed, I was on the internet for EVER reading everything I possibly could about it.  And I really loved reading personal accounts because it makes you feel not so alone, and it gives you an idea of what to expect, and you see that you really can get through it.  I hope that people find the stuff I have written to be useful, comforting or inspiring!

Every once in a while I receive a comment from some such person who found my blog looking for thyca info and I feel like creating the record was worthwhile, such as it is.  "M" asked a couple days ago where I did my radioiodine scan here in Oahu.  It was at Queen's Medical Center in Honolulu.  I'm a military spouse so normally I would go to Tripler Army Hospital, and they do RI scans there, but they couldn't take on another patient at the time so they referred me downtown.  My scan there was about the same as the ones I did on the mainland.  Let me know if you have any more  questions!

I did it

I submitted my formal resignation.  Avery is happy.  Bring on motherhood full time!

Pivotal

The Little Elf is 12 weeks old today!  The last of our family left on Wednesday and it's been back to the calm Seiler household I'm used to.  Avery was a real trooper meeting so many new people all at once.  The first day you could tell she was totally overwhelmed, but by the end of the week she was letting people hold her for more than 5 minutes.  She is changing so much recently.  Her face is filling out and she is getting chubbier.  She is also trying so hard to sit up!  When she sits in her bouncy seat, she tries to lean forward and will not rest her head back.  She is also starting to notice that her hands belong to her and she can sort of do stuff with them.  She still can't grab toys on her own, but she is getting so close.  She is finally becoming interested in toys and will stare at one intently if I hold it in front of her.  You can just feel all the neurons in her brain firing!

I am on the verge of quitting my job and I just cannot make myself send the final email that will seal the deal.  I am supposed to end my maternity leave on Monday so it has to be sometime this weekend.  I started talking to my boss in December about possibly returning to work on a part time basis.  I knew when I was pregnant that I would not want to be away from the baby for so long every day.  I've had a confusing back and forth with him over the last month in which he sort of told me no you can't work part time and then at the 11th hour told me ok you can come back part time for a few weeks.  But I think I have pretty much made up my mind to stop working altogether.  I know I don't want to work full time anymore and I know that part time work is only a stop-gap in this job, so I need to just cut my ties now and not drag out the inevitable conclusion.  I don't want to miss out on Avery's life.  And I can't stand the thought of some stranger caring for her.  Plus, she won't take a bottle.  Not even a little.  Sure, maybe she would eventually, after much crying and upset, but I don't really want to put her through that. 

I have many, many worries about stopping work.  Of course there is our financial situation.  Me no longer working means our income is reduced by nearly 50%.  That is a scary equation!  We are lucky that Adam's job provides enough for us to live on without me working, but still, giving up my salary means giving up significant savings and not having to worry about "having enough" ... ever.  Thinking about losing my salary and not working brings grim thoughts and what-ifs to my mind and I'll just say I guess that is the reason we have insurance and LIFE insurance, dear lord take these thoughts from my mind.

Probably my primary concern about stopping my job is that I will be bored and lonely not working.  What if I go crazy as a stay at home mama?  As much as I love Avery, bearing the burden of parenting her constantly, 24/7 is a big job and often a lonely endeavor.  The week my mom left me was HARD, y'all.  Avery is a much easier baby now, but ....  It is still hard for me to take her anywhere since she screams in her car seat and still needs such constant contact and attention.  Mom is still here but she is going to leave me soon/eventually and I will be alone.  Work is a convenient escape and break from constant parenting.

It's funny because if you know me in real life I am kind of a lone wolf.  I like being by myself and can be happy and entertained for hours or days without any company.  But since Avery's birth, I don't really like being alone.  It's like being shouldered with the sole responsibility of baby-care makes it overwhelming and sad!  I can't remember whose blog it was, but somewhere I read that it's like digging and carrying a huge precious stone out of a deep cave in the earth - it's the most beautiful, precious thing, but it's so hard to carry.

But I know in my heart it's the right thing for both me and for Avery.  I can work any time.  I may never work in my field again; I may find myself completely behind the "power curve" if I ever want to try.  But Avery's infancy and childhood will only happen once.  Her time line goes in just one direction.  As cliche as it is, I know that at the end of my life, I will not be thinking I'm so glad I kept working, but rather, I'm so glad I spent all that time with my Little Elf.

I will let you know when I get the guts to send the resignation email.

The Little Elf is baptized!

Yesterday was the baby's baptism!  She did really well and didn't even cry when the priest accidentally poured water in her face.  She looked like a little angel in her baptism dress.  Our families are still here, but everyone is starting to leave today and tomorrow.  It's been fun having so many people around to love on the baby!

Avery's First Month

Posting is likely to be a bit sparse, if not nonexistent, around here for the next week.  We've got Adam's family - mom, dad, two brothers and a girlfriend - coming to stay with us, as well as my parents and my sister in town!  It's going to be a full house.  We're going to baptize the baby on Sunday and my sister is the godmother, and Adam's youngest brother is the godfather.

In the meantime, check out the slideshow of the book we made of Avery's first month!  I recommend watching it full screen so you can see the text!

Ten Weeks of Avery

My Little Elf is ten weeks old today!  She has been mostly delightful for the past couple weeks.  Thank goodness we passed through the 6-8 week slump of fussiness, nap resistance, wailing and disgruntlement!  Everyone said it would start to get easier around 6 weeks and I was feeling hopeless when it got harder for us!  If there is anything that is true about babies, it's that change is a given.  You never know what each new day will bring.  She is changing all the time.  Sometimes it's a new skill or milestone she hits on a particular day.  Sometimes she has a rough or moody day.  But then the next day it can be totally calm and mellow.

In the past couple weeks, Avery has really become more babyish and less of a newborn infant.  She is much more playful now and will sit and smile at you if you talk to her.  She has also started "talking" herself.  My mom taught her to say "ah-goo" and it's really cute, she will say it!  I'm sure it's just developmentally easy for her to make that noise, and she can't always do it, but when it comes out of her she just about turns herself inside out with excitement.  She also loves getting massaged.  Rub her feet and she will just sit there and bliss out.  Like mother like daughter.

The nights are still occasionally killing me.  We are still co-sleeping and I'm growing to like it more and more.  The best part about having her in bed with me is that I often don't have to get up at all during the night.  Yes, she is still waking up to nurse every 2-4 hours depending on the night, but I don't actually get out of bed unless she poops or her diaper leaks (which unfortunately happened TWICE in the last week!).  It's never the sound you want to hear at 3 in the morning - the baby ripping a huge poo in the silence of the night.  It doesn't always happen, though, so sometimes I get to stay in bed all night.  But when it does, or her diaper leaks, or she is having tummy issues, and I only get 4 hours of restless, broken sleep during the night, I start to feel like the days are impossible and the baby is out to get me and there is no way I will ever be able to hack this motherhood gig. 

I love waking up with her in the morning.  I undo her swaddle and her little arms pop up like rubber bands and she starts stretching and squirming.  Then I nurse her and we doze a little while longer and she's so cute with her little belly against mine and her head resting on my boob and she will occasionally stretch out her arm and whack me in the face.

She still loves to be held constantly.  But she is getting more comfortable with sitting in her bouncy seat or her swing.  Now instead of 2-3 minutes, she will sit there for 10 or 15 before she gets frustrated and demands to be picked up.  This would have me exhausted if it weren't for my mom being here.  I think Avery gets bored of me too, because sometimes when I have her and she starts getting frustrated, Mom will take her and she'll be all smiles again.

As much fun as we are having with her, it is still hard for me to fathom how people have multiple children.  I mean, just logistically, how do you handle taking care of a baby when another child also needs to be fed, bathed, dressed, put to bed, etc.???  All of my energy and attention is going to Avery and I can't imagine having to also care for another kid.  I've heard tons of people say second babies are easier...  There are moments when I think I might be in the one and done club!

Finally, I made an important decision this week.  It sounds like my office is not going to let me work part time.  I told them if that is the case I'm going to stop working altogether.  I'm not even sure I want to work part time, but I'm willing to give it a try if they are going to let me do it for more than a few weeks.  I haven't gotten a response from them on it yet.  As much work as it is to take care of Avery, I honestly can't imagine being away from her for 50+ hours per week.  At this point, I don't think I could leave her at all since she won't take a bottle.  Some babies never do!  I think I might have one of those.  But it's not just that.  I just don't want to be away from her.  I mean, yes, I do want space sometimes, and I can't wait until she is able to entertain herself for a spell while mommy eats breakfast or takes a shower, but I don't want to be at work and now knowing what she's up to or able to kiss her chubby little cheeks or see her smile.  I'm addicted!

Eyelashes!

Avery and the Bottle

Oh Hai!  We gon' play now?



Ehhhh, whaz dis?  Is no good.  No good.



Is better on chin.  Is no good in mouth.  Where'd I leave that boob?

Zzzzz.....

Girl talk!

Happy Birthday to my people!

Avery's two month birthday was yesterday, and coincidentally it was also Adam's birthday (Happy Birthday Honey!).  She had her two month pediatrician visit - the first time she's seen a doctor since the day after we were released from the hospital.  Not surprisingly, she's doing great and is right on track for her age.  She weighed in at 11.3 lbs, which means she's gained 4.2 lbs since her birth, and technically even more than that since she had dropped below 7 lbs before we left the hospital.  She's in the 50th percentile, which means half of babies are bigger than her and half smaller.  I really liked her pediatrician, which surprised me since we are pretty much stuck with whatever the military clinic has to offer.  Avery didn't cry at all and only fussed a little when the ped put her cold stethoscope on her, and when she looked in her ears.

I was worrying about her vaccinations because I started doing research and ended up deciding to delay any vaccinations until at least 6 months.  Initially I was thinking I would just go ahead and start them yesterday, but spread them out instead of giving her 6 at one time, but after digging into it more, I decided I didn't want her to have any vaccines yet.  I fully expected the pediatrician to bully me at least a little bit, but when I told her we wanted to delay them, she didn't even bat an eye.  She just said, ok just let us know when you want to do them.  I'm still a tiny bit on the fence about whether I want her to have ANY vaccines.  After all I now know about food politics, where big corporations are in bed with the government agencies that regulate them... you know pharmaceutical companies have an even bigger lobby than ag.  I don't know.  I will probably still get her some of the vaccines, but there are a few I'm really leaning towards no (rotavirus, chickenpox, definitely not flu, and no MMR until she enters school).

Adam was supposed to go with me to the appointment, but he ended up having to work the two days he was supposed to be off, making it 12 out of 13 days!  We miss him around here.  Thank goodness my mom was able to come back early so she was there to help me.  I think I would really be on the verge of institutionalization if I was all alone so much... this baby is still quite the handful!  Although I think we have passed through whatever growth/developmental spurt we were slogging through thank the lord!

Exercise in futility?

It's no wonder my digestive system is malfunctioning.  I barely chew my food anymore; I usually just gulp it down in big bites as fast as possible while jiggling the little on my shoulder.  You would think this inability to cook & eat meals translates into rapid weight loss, but sadly, no, it does not.  When the Little is fussing and won't be put down, do you think I'm going to prepare myself a nice salad and sit and eat it with a fork?  Or grab a handful of trail mix and some cookies to scarf down while I'm pacing the halls?  Hmmm?  I bet you can guess which.

I know I need to clean up my diet if I'm going to lose the baby weight, but I have to admit when I'm tired and hungry or just feeling strung out, I do a fair amount of comfort eating.  I'm getting to where I am figuring out how to exercise regularly even with the Little and even if she doesn't nap - doing it in chunks, taking as long as it takes - but as we all know, that has little to do with whether I will lose the weight!  You can work out till you're blue in the face but if you're still eating too much you'll stay the same.

In a rare moment of foresight, I planned to exercise at home while on maternity leave and bought some hand weights and a stability ball.  You can get a pretty decent work out with body weight exercises and some hand weights!  I have a couple pairs of pre-pregnancy pants that were baggy on me before that fit now (just).  Now if I could only keep my hands out of the cookie jar!

Oddly, though, I actually feel ok with how I look right now.  I'm pretty much in awe of my body after pregnancy - my body created a human, out of nothing! - and I'm feeling a lot more forgiving of it these days.

The Little stirs... blogging time is up!

I still feel like I want to squeeze her too tight

Two steps forward, one step back. We had two good days and then yesterday the Little was in another mood. She was fine in the morning, but she wouldn't take a nap and as the day wore on, she became crankier and fussier! By the time Adam came home I was ready to toss her to him and run out the door!

She says, "Whut?"

He took her while I went up to shower and she screamed her head off the whole time. Poor little biddle. I felt so bad for her, I know she was tired. I was carrying her around as I got my dinner, ate and got ready for bed and she fell asleep on my shoulder. But we had to wake her up to get her pj's on and a fresh diaper. By the time we had her swaddled, she was practically hoarse from screaming so much. But after I got her to sleep again, she was good all night.

The nights I really can't complain about. I think I must be getting used to sleeping with her. Plus she doesn't make as many noises as she did in the beginning, except for the occasional adorable "uhhh?" sound or this little gasp/pant thing she does that is also pretty cute. And she is getting bigger so I worry less that my boob will inadvertently smother her. She feels enormous to me! Anyway, we've been getting into sort of a routine where she gets her diaper/pj's/swaddle and then I nurse her and walk her around until she falls asleep around 8 or 9 o'clock. Then she wakes up to nurse around midnight and again around 2. When Adam's alarm goes off at 4 (he's back on the day shift), it stirs her and she usually starts squirming and grunting until she gets a big poo out. I drag my butt out of bed and change her and bring her back to bed where we nurse and usually sleep again until about 7:30.

She's napping on the couch right now, thank goodness. I hope she stays down a couple hours, she is a much happier baby!

When I get a day where she takes a good nap (nap = break for mommy from holding/carrying baby) and is playful and smiley, I feel like this motherhood thing might not actually drive me to insanity after all. HahahahaHAHA AIEEEEEE!

Report

Well, despite what I wrote yesterday morning, we had a pretty good day around here. Avery *might* be pulling out of her doldrums (knock wooood!). After a good screaming fit yesterday morning when Adam tried to give her a bottle, she unleashed all kinds of cuteness and playfulness on and off the rest of the day. She still had some fussies, but mostly she was all smiles and cuddles. Yay! Of course, she screamed with righteous indignation when she was getting her diaper changed and swaddled up before bed. But then she slept pretty well last night and now she's napping on her tummy (we'll see how long that lasts!). I don't think I slept much last night, though. Yawn.

Human pacifier and the velcro baby

No, that's not the name of my new garage band. It's me and Avery. She's been stuck to me, mainly on the boob, pretty much constantly. Little Avery is having a hard time the last week or so. She has been extra fussy, and crying a lot more. And clinging to me! Poor baby. I think it's probably a combination of two things. First, my mom left. I think she formed an attachment to my mom as her second mommy and when she left it threw her little world off kilter. Second, it's possible she is going through another growth spurt. The internet (from which all wisdom comes) says that when they go through growth or developmental spurts, they often get extra fussy and want to nurse all the time for comfort and reassurance. This too shall pass... this too shall pass...

It takes a village

The baby is asleep on my lap. I would love to try to put her down but I don't want her to wake up!

God, I sound like *such* a whiny, ungrateful louse. I know I do. I can't help but wonder, how do people DO this the world over?? Certainly some have easy babies - babies who will sit in strollers or swings, or be carried in a sling through a rice paddy. I definitely didn't get an easy baby. Well... maybe this is just a phase because she seemed somewhat easier in the first few weeks (don't they say fussiness peaks around six weeks?). But some have babies who are harder than mine. I keep thinking about the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" and how true it is in ways that I didn't even consider before. I think about our modern lives and how isolated we are now. How much better it would be to be near family - sisters, parents, aunts - and have the collective help and wisdom of generations. How broken it seems in some sense that in our culture we are all just floating out there like our own little planets.

Adam told me: "I never saw a wild thing feel sorry for itself..." And he reminds me that no one else in the world could be her parents.

My cousin told me about this book by a Buddhist lady who had a baby, and she talks about when she was in a monastery and a bell would ring every hour to summon them to different activities, the idea being that you surrender yourself to the routine of the monastery as a spiritual practice (achieving a state of zen through denial of self and ego). Having a newborn baby is like that - surrendering yourself to the needs of the baby. If you just accept that state of affairs for now, you can avoid feeling resentful about all the taking, taking, taking.

We have a concept like that in Christianity too - "not my will but Thine be done." Conceptually it is the same thing as the zen Buddhist idea: denying your own desires and having faith and acceptance of the will of a greater power. This is not in contradiction to the idea of free will. We are free to choose, and by grace and discernment can choose to be in harmony with God's will or be in disharmony. Suffering is part of the human condition (as illustrated by the crucifixion) and we have the free will to choose our reaction. To accept that which we cannot control, and to strive for harmony with natural law when we can. Not my will but Thine.

I'm telling you all this because I want you to know that I'm not just sitting here pouting. I realize all the many things that we tell ourselves and each other when going through a rough patch. My rational mind can even assign a spiritual nature to what I'm going through. But the sleep-deprived, hormone-addled parts of my brain win out more often than not these days over my rational self.

It could be worse. I guess.

It's silly, really, the fact that I've been weeping on and off since about 10 pm Friday night. I mean, it could be worse. It could be so much worse. But she just won't let me put her down, not even to sleep at night. I spent about 6 hours on Friday night alternately trying to lay her down and walking her down when she woke up each time. And sobbing on the phone to Adam at work because I was just so tired, and I felt so incredibly alone, and I'd been alone with the baby all day already, walking her around for hours, and I knew I was facing another several days of doing this alone. I finally got her to sleep cuddled up next to me in bed, but of course, I don't sleep very well (if at all) like that. Adam came home and took her for a couple of hours so I could get a little sleep.

Yesterday I cried on and off all day. The Little was fussy all day and wouldn't take a nap, and she wouldn't be put down either. I even went to the bathroom holding her at one point because she had fallen asleep on my shoulder and I didn't dare wake her by laying her down and have to start the process of her fussing and me walking her down again. I just felt so, so lonely, and tired, and tired of carrying the baby around, and angry. I felt angry at the poor baby. And at Adam because he gets to lay down every day and sleep without thinking about the baby, and he gets to go work out without having to worry about getting her down for a nap or whether she will stay asleep for an hour, and because he isn't here having to pace around with her for hours and hours, and because he's not here - he sleeps all day and I barely see him for 30 minutes and he's gone all night (not his fault or choosing, but...). It's taken me two days to write this post because I've barely had five minutes of peace to write it.

I guess I feel like this isn't what I signed up for, this de facto solo parenting gig. This isn't how I thought it would be, mothering this baby. I feel way more overwhelmed and more negative feelings than I thought I would. I pictured wearing the baby around the house, taking her for walks, and getting chores done while she napped. I pictured getting sporadic sleep, but sleep nonetheless, at night. Instead, the baby basically needs to be held constantly, even at night. She won't sit in her bouncy seat or swing. She hates the car seat and the stroller and all of the baby carriers most of the time. I can't take her anywhere because she won't sit still half the time, she needs to be walked around.

I know it gets easier. But when? I was looking forward to six weeks as a turning point, and if anything she's gotten fussier in the last week, not better. Three months? Maybe, but it seems so far away still.

Ok... I have more to say, but she just woke up from her five minute nap and she's about to lose her shit if I don't pick her up!

This post is brought to you by Endorphins

Y'all, I just worked out! Wheeee! I feel so self righteously accomplished right now, it's amazing. I feel like maybe I will really not spend the rest of the year in a lumpen sleep-deprived stupor on the couch. Man, it that workout was hard, too, after not working out at all - not even a little - for seven weeks. I had intended to start back at the beginning of this week, but it just didn't happen. Even this morning I was feeling discouraged because I put the Little down for her morning nap and got my weights and stuff all situated and of course she woke up and it took me another hour to get her down for good. It was like she knew I wanted to do something. It took me over an hour to run through the workout because I had to keep stopping in order to not puke a lung up onto the carpet.
Did I tell you guys I was in pain for the better part of six weeks? I don't think I did. I mean, I think I mentioned the infection thing and the pain that nearly surpassed the birthing of a seven pound human, but I don't think I told you how much of a rollercoaster my recovery was. I mention this only because I am really only JUST feeling capable of exercising. I had fully intended on taking six whole weeks off from formal exercise anyway, but I thought it would have been nice to get some long walks in or maybe a hike or something before then (see how naively ambitious I was?!).

The recovery from the birth itself was really not that bad. I was sore for the first few days and then felt fairly good. By the end of week 2, I felt pretty well healed. And then that infection reared its ugly head and oh my lord the pain. DID I MENTION THE PAIN??? Anyway, you all know that landed me a 10 day course of antibiotics, which of course led to a yeast infection and horrifyingly painful constipation, and let me just say that when you spend nearly $30 on various hemorrhoid treatments and then have to send your husband back to the mini-mart at 10 pm to buy an enema, you know you've hit the "worse" in "for better or worse". Until that moment I had been maintaining with Adam that girls don't poop or fart, it just doesn't happen for us. Let us never speak of it again.

After all that, I had to go back to the emergency clinic and have the stitches removed because they didn't fall out on their own (yeowch!) and then developed another inflamed and painful cyst probably caused by my body having a reaction to the internal stitches and an unrelated but weirdly coincidental ingrown hair that the doc actually wanted to do another course of antibiotics for! I told her if they were going to do that, they might as well take me out back and put me out of my misery because I didn't think I could survive it again. See how one thing led to another in a vicious cycle of pain? But I'm finally starting to feel like myself again... um, down there.

Aaaaannd... now you know more about me than you ever wanted to! But seriously, I don't think people talk about postpartum enough. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's gone through wonky recovery hell, but no one talks about it because who wants to admit they had to buy rectal suppositories? Anyone? Anyone?
On a completely different tangent, yesterday I pumped a bottle** and Adam was going to attempt to give it to Avery for her first nighttime feeding so I could get some extra sleep. Would you believe that when I got into bed, I actually felt sad that I wouldn't see the baby for her next feeding? How insane is that?! I get an opportunity to sleep for 6 hours and I almost say no because I will miss her. Even though I would be sleeping and probably not even notice. This does not bode well for my return to work in 5 weeks (*sob*). I am already feeling like I want to cast myself off a rooftop when I think about leaving my Little Biddle and not knowing if she's crying for me and I'm not there. I think Adam wants me to quit my job. I'm still somewhat on the fence about it, but that's a whole 'nother blog post.

**Speaking of pumping, is it supposed to be a little painful? Is it supposed to take a long time? I have a Medela Pump In Style and it kind of hurts and my nipples turn purple or white after using it. And it took me about 30 minutes to get 3 oz out of one boob yesterday. Normal? Suck it up? Or am I doing something wrong?