Friday, January 08, 2010

My litany of sorrows

Good grief, this has been a rough week, both pregnancy and work-wise. Only one of our cars was working, so we carpooled, which was great in one sense because I got dropped off at the door to my office building instead of trudging half a mile (no shitting) down a gigantous hill from the parking areas. On the other hand, it means I worked some long days, with getting dropped off super early for random meetings that popped up EVERY DAY this week, and then waiting until Adam finished his normal work day to come back and fetch me. There is just something wrong about driving to work when it's still completely dark outside when you live near the equator. On top of that, we spent several evenings this week loitering around in the auto parts store, getting our alternator tested and replaced.

And for some reason, pregnancy took its toll this week. I was going along, feeling more or less dandy, and then suddenly I wasn't. I didn't sleep well for several days, partly due to the heat and partly due to the discomfort in my belly. My uterus must have been growing because I had a ton of back pain and just general achiness all through my midsection. I woke up every morning puffed up like the Michelin Man - likely also due to the heat and humidity through the night.

Plus, my feet? Started to do this by the end of every day:

Ye Gods. I have cankles. CANKLES. I can hardly even look at this picture it is so horrifying.

They were so swollen a couple of days it was painful! I cannot stand looking down at them like that because I feel like the most gigantic, bulbous, waddling creature on earth - way out of proportion to reality, I realize. I know the heat & humidity are partially responsible. However. I know I also probably need to eat more protein to counter the swelling. I have had little appetite for meat this entire pregnancy and it's been a real challenge for me to eat as well as I would like because I just can't stomach a steak or chicken breast unless it's hidden in something else like a stew or salad. Thank goodness I've been able to eat salads or I would really be in trouble. I'd be eating nothing but crackers and cheese and fruit. And ice cream.

I've been feeling so sorry for myself that it's been really difficult to keep in mind what an amazing and mind-blowing gift this pregnancy is. To be able to carry this little soul around inside me for a time is the most humbling and awesome thing. To feel her little feet and arms testing out their boundaries, feel the lopsided tugging that means she is rolling over. To know that her tiny body, cell by cell, is being made entirely by my own. It's as if by magic she sprouted, was one cell, then two, and then suddenly she had eyes and a tiny heart thrumming away. Before she even looked like a human creature, her heart was beating in my belly. She sparked to life unbeknownst to me, but she was already mine. She was mine years ago, when I began to dream her into being. Or rather, perhaps she is not mine. She belongs to God. He entrusted her to us to love and to care for, and for that we could not be more amazed or grateful. I need to remember to focus on the gratitude I feel when I think of our little miracle, even when my feet look like they are going to explode.

My expanding girth of pregnant glory, at 23 weeks.

1 comment:


Hahaha, that was both hilarious and touching.